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I feel like I NEED to die.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sisyphus, Apr 13, 2018.

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  1. sisyphus

    sisyphus Active Member

    I don't feel like suicide is an option. I feel as if it is an obligation of some kind. It became incredibly hard for me to believe that getting better is necessary; I really trust that death is the way - the one and only way.

    Five years ago I planned carefully my depart, but I believed I had something to stay here for - and I did. All of these years later, I still have the same motivation but the will to die just won't fade. It refuses to.
    As much as I struggle my way through life and as much as I try to keep that motivation as an internal fire to make me want life and stay alive, everything comes tumbling down at the slightest movement I make.

    I don't see the life worth living that everyone just wants to lead calmly. Existence is empty for itself, and settling down is disturbing, having seen all of the grief and terror one can go by during a lifetime. Having known pain, it is scary to let go of it and give in to the numbness that "normality" and "comfort" recquires to be achieved.

    I do picture a common simple life, building a family and having a nice, stable job. But as much as it seems impossible to achieve, my inner demons scream, way too loudly, that even then I won't be hppy - even if I numb myself with pills and other psychiatric and psychologic treatments, because I will still know the terror I had to bear with inside of my mind since I was 7 years old. I've lived more years in despair than have I lived in "peace", and the world just seems too cruel for me to stay in.

    I want to let go.
  2. Mr 2004

    Mr 2004 Well-Known Member

    You're not alone. Much of that mirrors how I'm feeling
    sisyphus likes this.
  3. LonelyHiker

    LonelyHiker Waitering for Godot

    I understand 100%

    I had the "perfect" life. A wonderful wife, both of us had good jobs, a big house on three acres in the country, loving family and friends, money in the bank, vacations, etc. None of it made a difference... depression still sucked out my soul.

    I could meet the woman of my dreams and win the lottery the same day and it wouldn't change anything. Chronic depression just doesn't give a shit.
  4. Mr 2004

    Mr 2004 Well-Known Member

    If I won the lottery I think I could get by. I could afford to not have to function
  5. Paul1234

    Paul1234 Well-Known Member

    I was like that. Exactly like that.

    But then I was picked up by God & He gave me a life that I hardly ever knew existed before.

    Now, there’s light everywhere. My hopelessness turned to hope. My pessimism turned to optimism. There’s no anxiety of anything. I have no fear of anything. No suicidality. I have no idea why I was picked.
    sisyphus and SillyOldBear like this.
  6. RainingCatsandDogs

    RainingCatsandDogs There's no meaning to life , Just do the dishes

    in moments like those, I just do something crazy, something mad to throw my own hormones and thoughts off back at them

    you seem very trapped and feel like this is out of your control

    what helps me in those times is just to do something unheard of, if you've never swum, just jump in a pool at a somewhat safe depth, if you never biked, get a 2nd hand one and try it, if you've done it all, go skydiving, sometimes life is exceedingly dull

    I know that wasn't much help but I think you need to trigger a 'fight or flight' response or adrenaline rush naturally to feel what life can be life sometimes despite the void of all consuming darkness and dullness it seems to always envelope you in
    sisyphus likes this.
  7. sisyphus

    sisyphus Active Member

    I'm really thankful for all of you who took your time to remind me I'm not alone... It feels better to know I don't live alone in my despair, even though I don't wish feelings like those to the worst of my enemies. It's just it feels better to know that other people are aware too... Of how much it is for us to bear. I hope all of you get better soon and leave this pit of sorrow we're currently trapped inside.
  8. sisyphus

    sisyphus Active Member

    Thats's what hurts the most, right...? Having it all good and not being able to detach from the Darkness brought by this sickness
    LonelyHiker likes this.
  9. sisyphus

    sisyphus Active Member

    I'm afraid that doesn't work for me... I REALLY wish I could. But fact is, I am a Roman Catholic and have not only been raised in church but I have also been a strong believer. I believe, live and profess my faith with my every deed... And yes, God is a comfort. But not even my faith cleanses my mind from the Darkness controlling me. I can't get rid of it, unfortunately.
  10. sisyphus

    sisyphus Active Member

    Oh how I wish I could do something like that... I really wish. Unfortunately, I am trapped in my routine and various habits which I can't get rid off. My family would go crazy if I ever stopped playing by the "perfect doll-robot-like-behavior" I created in order to be treated as a human being instead of an animal. I live in a viciously violent and abusive environment, but it all only affects the psychological field, so no one can see what happens and try to help me...
    But I really love your idea... If I ever find myself free... That's one of the first things I am going to do. I am going to do something "crazy" enough to shift my mind from my sadness. Thank you!!
  11. I get how you feel. I recently posted a thread of my own, which was basically an existential crisis that has not gone away for the longest time. I don't seem to get fulfillment out of the normal things people get fulfillment from either. I hope you are okay. If you need to talk, I'm here.
  12. Lola 2018

    Lola 2018 Well-Known Member

    I do know how you feel I was raped and beat by my stepdad from age 6 I kept it hide for many years and it ate at me then I married I was numb but i could fuction had 2 beautiful kids but not a good husband but i was taught to just deal with it now at 56 I broke down everything came out and with theses great people at sf to be by you dont wait like I did get help now you can have your dream life I have no regrets of having my kids I do regret the man I picked but he is out of my l
    I know what your saying I have been there at 6 my stepdad started raping me but i was never to tell at 12 he left and i pushed everything away no one knew i had the 2 beautiful kids a good job a husband who ended up being so mean but i was numb as long as he didn't tough the kids I felt I couldn't be hurt anymore but hes gone I kicked him out but please don't wait as long as I did you can get help at 57 im getting help now and wished I had reached out sooner you can have your dream life dream job don't give up I almost did and now I'm glad I'm here hugs to you
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