I don't feel like suicide is an option. I feel as if it is an obligation of some kind. It became incredibly hard for me to believe that getting better is necessary; I really trust that death is the way - the one and only way. Five years ago I planned carefully my depart, but I believed I had something to stay here for - and I did. All of these years later, I still have the same motivation but the will to die just won't fade. It refuses to. As much as I struggle my way through life and as much as I try to keep that motivation as an internal fire to make me want life and stay alive, everything comes tumbling down at the slightest movement I make. I don't see the life worth living that everyone just wants to lead calmly. Existence is empty for itself, and settling down is disturbing, having seen all of the grief and terror one can go by during a lifetime. Having known pain, it is scary to let go of it and give in to the numbness that "normality" and "comfort" recquires to be achieved. I do picture a common simple life, building a family and having a nice, stable job. But as much as it seems impossible to achieve, my inner demons scream, way too loudly, that even then I won't be hppy - even if I numb myself with pills and other psychiatric and psychologic treatments, because I will still know the terror I had to bear with inside of my mind since I was 7 years old. I've lived more years in despair than have I lived in "peace", and the world just seems too cruel for me to stay in. I want to let go.