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I just keep digging my grave

Samq

New Member
#1
I don't really know how to start. i don't even know if some of the things i want to say will break the rules on here. i don't even know if i belong on here. All i do know, i need for this pain to stop one way or the other. i have made three serious attempts on my life; once by <method edit > I can't say i will ever be successful because even though i know how to kill myself either to pain shakes me out of it or some random worry makes me put it off. I can't seem to make up my mind. However this time during my usual search to find a quicker and more painless method, i saw the SF post about lies depression can tell you. i think what struck me most was the part about not really wanting to die, just wanting the pain to end. it made sense, it explained why i was still here after all of my attempts; i really didn't want to die. i spend most of my nights having panic attacks about my actually death, but once in awhile i somehow convince myself that is actually the best idea for me; which is it? why can't i follow through on anything?

The things that have been driving me to do these things is loneliness. i met the man of my dreams many years ago and are relationship was very violitile (meaning we used to fight physically and play mind games with each other). i never considered it abuse because i usually gave as good as a i got, i didn't feel like a victim. We got engaged and got pregnant on purpose. A month later, i lost the baby when he hit me with his car by accident, while chasing after me during a particularly bad fight. We had stop being violent after we found out we were pregnant but he wanted me to drop out of college and be a housewife, so i told him i was leaving. A bunch of other medical problems came with the miscarriage and i was told i couldn't have kids. He used that to verbally and emotionally abuse me for a year, before he tried to kill me when i tried to leave again. i got away and moved on to get some other girl pregnant. i felt worthless, i couldn't do what i was out on this planet to do, i little more than a cum dumpster (apologize for the reference, it's what he used to call me). i tried to kill myself after that, but i survived.

A couple of years later, i met the love of my life, we had a lot of things happen along the way, but i will keep it short and say we eventually got married and have two little girls. i hate it. i hate him and i hate them. i hate my friends, i hate my family, i hate being poor, and i hate not being able to be selfish or say no. My husband and i are separated, but we are still intimate. Even though i told him do not love him, he's something to do and with all of my baggage, he's the only person who'll want me anyway. He's not abusive, although he does "subdue" me when he doesn't want to argue with me anymore. But i do think he gaslights me. As for my kids, i don't understand what i feel about them. They weren't supposed to happen, so i feel to a certain extent that they are miracles that should be kept alive and happy, and even though i can't love them like a mother should, i will make sure they are surround at all times with people who will love them and that they'll want for nothing other than the mother's love that i can't give them. My relationship with my elder daughter is the one everyone worries about, i gone to therapy for postpartum, but she's just so annoying. I thought i loved my younger daughter, but she developmentally slower than the other kids and that makes me feel embarrassed. Also, she's a daddy's girl, so nothing i do for her is enough. I don't want them, but their father is not in a position to take care of them on their own. Putting them up for adoption or in foster care, scares me because of all the horror stories, but the idea of my husband not taking care of them properly or letting something to them scares me as well. So i am stuck. Stuck in this life i don't want. Stuck listening to people telling me i am not doing enough and how worthless i am. Stuck in debt that i have no way of getting out of. I am so stressed out that my hair is falling out. i am 80lbs overweight and i have an STD from my marriage. Who's going to want me know? would you trust you kids with me after hearing how i hate mine?

i am just so pathetic.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Woowoo

SF Artist
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
Hi Samq and welcome to SF. I'm so sorry that you've been through so much and are feeling so low, but I'm glad you found us. Everyone on this site is dealing with similar feelings so everyone 'gets' it and you won't be judged here. The site is full of people who genuinely care and support each other so I hope being here will help you. You are not pathetic or worthless at all. Have you had any professional help for the way you're feeling?
 

sassy123

SF hugger
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#3
Hugs hun sorry you have been through so much it sounds like you have been through a lot. I think in your own way you really do love your kids you want what’s best for them whatever that happens to be. I hope you find the support you are looking for here
 

MagickLynx

SF Supporter
#4
I'm sorry for the position you are now feeling so stuck in @Samq but you should know that the ways you feel are all totally valid. You're not alone as many women feel the way you do about their kids and they're getting more brave about saying it, too. Both the men you were with sound very abusive (including the current one who gaslights you. I would trust your instincts on this because it's likely he may be doing that, especially if you are wondering if he is. In a normal relationship, partners don't question if there's such abuse). Are there any support groups you could try going to in your area or even just groups or classes where you could do something you enjoy? Do you have a therapist? I agree the stress will be having the effect on your hair loss, and it's important to try and minimise stress as much as you can.
 

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