I want to commit suicide but not die

[Tiger]

This is weird.

I have my suicide planned out - I have almost everything ready down to the date and time and method.

But I can't figure out if I want to die or not? I just want to be taken seriously, I guess. It is extremely hard feeling valid when you're a teenage girl with depression. Online is so toxic - everywhere everyone seems to be going through one thing or another. If I die then people will know. They will think - she was one of the real sufferers. And they will appreciate me more when I am gone than they ever will while I'm still alive.

Even the countless counsellors, GP's, therapists. They never take you seriously until you harm yourself. I can see why but it really really upsets me.

Another thing that stops me going through with this is that I keep hoping to have some kind of 'experience'. I crave the comfort of religion but I just can't bring myself to ever believe in that. Secretly I'd just love to have a NDE.

But I don't know. Honestly I don't really care if I die or not - I just want to attempt suicide and see what fate chooses for me.

Tiger Skye

 

[Petal]

I understand you wanting to be taken seriously but ending your life is not the answer. You need to try and work out why you are feeling like this and go from there. Don't play with fire because you just might get burned. I have had stomach issues since I was in a coma this time 5 years ago. You need to tell you r GP/Counsellor that you need help and want their attention without having to harm yourself. Please do not harm yourself and if you feel like doing so come on here and talk to us

 

[Unknown_111]

Please stay strong as you are important to us. Life is important and YOU are important as well. You have one life and please from the bottom of my heart, please refrain from doing anything at all.

I know each day is hard but you have to remain strong. Take the virtual hand we offer and let us help you. Keep posting as the ones you understand your pain are the ones who understand your pain.

Take care my friend.

 

[ThePhantomLady]

I am sorry you feel so desperate

But suicide is not the answer, it never is.

Please keep going back to your GP or even go to the hospital and tell them about your plans and how you feel. No matter what, in the end they will take you seriously and give you the help you do deserve.
I am sorry you feel like you're not being heard, but you need to keep reaching out, someone will hear you!

Who have you talked to about these thoughts? Parents? GP? School counselor? Crisis lines?

Please stay strong hun, don't give up the fight!

Keep posting here or in our chat room, and know my inbox is always open!

 

[Tiger]

Thanks. To everyone.

I haven't told anyone my plans. Its an incredibly personal thing and although its suicide plans its ironically what keeps me going. The date and time and method - its all very personal to me and nobody else would understand it. Knowing that that understanding will be lost when I am gone...I am not sure if I am ready to give in yet.

The thing is - why isn't suicide the answer? Why is that so ingrained into our minds? We're going to die anyway so why should it matter?

 

[Bishopgirl]

I get that-whats the point? But there IS one, there is a reason we are not immortal, a reason why our time here is finite. A reason why we only have to live a number of days before we die. There has to be. You seem to have a curious mind, aren't you the least bit curious what your life will look like a month from now, six months, a year? I mean, seriously, you can always decide to end it. It really is in your power to decide whether you live or die . You don't know exactly what the alive you might be in six months, maybe better, maybe not. You do know what world you are in, what you need to face, the best and the worst of that world. You are already ahead of the game since you sound like your going through hell but there you are, still trying, still determined to at least hope. You could be, ironically, happy in 6 months as hard as that is to imagine now, I know. But I DO know one thing- you have NO IDEA what the dead you could end up facing. My mother in law killed herself. I used to comfort myself with the idea that surely with all the pain she suffered in life, and the fact that she was truly a good person had to mean she wouldn't be punished in the afterlife. But the nagging thoughts that she was allowed to be in such pain while alive didn't offer me any assurance bad things couldn't happen to her after death. How unfair would that be-horrible, but look around you, you know what faces you here, so at least here you have a chance of changing the way it is. Sorry if I sound all lectury, I'm here for the same reason you seem to be, I think about ending the pain, I just haven't figured out if killing myself would really accomplish that. I do know theres no do overs in death. So, Im struggling through pain and despair with the rest of them. You aren't alone.