I'm remembering my sexual coercion and it's too much to handle atm

[I_waste_everything]

As a child, I let myself be coerced into chronic sexual abuse by a "peer" that I was disgustingly stupid enough to think was my "friend" and that I had to agree to it as a condition of, now I know, non-existent friendship.

I have lost decades and decades of my life feeling disgusted ever since. Confused, distracted, unable to grow.

But I'm not going to make this my main outpour. For that I'll wait until I have time to type a lot and I'll post in the sexual abuse forum proper.

Right now, I'm having another attack- this one about an act of abuse in process in what was supposed to be "my" room at the time. Specifically I'm remembering that during this, the abuser's sister- who I had a crush on at the time, and thought I had a good rapport with- opened the door, saw the abuse in progress, alerted the coercer of departure, and turned away in disgust. Apparently neglected to inform anyone.


A gigantic cyst in the larger cancer that is this unresolved ruinous cancer on what could have been my life. Remembering this in particular, the combination of shame, disgust, and embarrassment, abandonment, and expectation shattering - especially at myself, for letting it happen and agreeing to it often enough that it came to this - is wrenching me so badly I can't even handle it. I've been slowly trying to pursue closure, and I've been making progressive victories, but this is one giant part of it is too much for me right now and I can't begin to grip with it.

I have to drive someone out, and I can't do it with this ruining my mind.

 

[I_waste_everything]

self-correction acknowledgements:

-I acknowledge that I should have put "trigger warning" in the thread title. I will do if I learn how to edit the title of the thread.

-"Friendship" should be in quotes.

-I typed "is" twice in the same sentence, the first one of which is ungrammatical with the rest.

 

[Unenthusiastic]

I think I can empathize with you, having dealt with a lot of regret which has even spiralled into the realm of revenge fantasy at times.

Do you ever find yourself fantasizing about inserting your current, more assertive and less vulnerable self into these situations in order to rectify them in some way?

 

[may71]

I'm sorry you've gone through and are going through so much.

especially at myself, for letting it happen and agreeing to it often enough that it came to this

It's common for survivors of abuse to blame themselves, but it's not fair. It's only the abuser who is responsible for the abuse.

 

[I_waste_everything]

I'm sorry you've gone through and are going through so much.

It's common for survivors of abuse to blame themselves, but it's not fair. It's only the abuser who is responsible for the abuse.

Thank you. For each and all three of these sentences.

 

[capitalism]

Imagine it happened to someone else in their childhood, would you blame them? Likewise you don't deserve blame, little children are not adults, they can't stand up for themselves like adults, they don't even have a concept of boundaries. It's adult's responsibility to keep children safe and the blame for abuse lies on the abuser. You had the least amount of responsibility and blame in this situation, not the most

 

[seabird]

I hope you're feeling a bit better.
I wish it could but it can't be erased from your life. From your post, you seem strong and smart despite the struggle you're having with these circumstances and memories. Shame is the one to be banned as it's the one that opens the door to so much other suffering. It can take a lot of time, but hopefully you can be persistent in working on getting rid of the shame. Nobody deserves what happened to you, it isn't fair and that person was entirely wrong and at fault.

 

[I_waste_everything]

I am just walked into the room where this specific event occurred to force myself to face it.

I am surged with self-disgust, nihilism, and the no-retry delusion. I have to suspend a room rearrangement project because I can't think or find worth in living out this failure.

That decision I made, letting that happen and not telling anyone, ruins my life so much and so irreparably that I want to kill myself right fucking now.

 

[I_waste_everything]

I just opened up to my Mom about it.

She gave me comfort in my pain, but also supports me pushing until it has no power over [me]".

I hadn't heard it this way before. I feel reassured and strengthened.

I would not recommend this to anyone else, at least when the disgusting is sexual coercion and the ruination of one's life by keeping sexual coercion a secret for decades, or in my case "decades", and missing out on what could be alleged youth.

This talk, however, happens in the context of having been talking about it and her knowing my fight for years. This is an empowering support, not a cruel one.