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I'm running out of time.

Soda-Voxel

Well-Known Member
#1
I don't feel like I have long left. I don't want to die, theres lots of things I love in life - but the pain is too great for me to keep going. Every time I have even a slight problem, my immediate thought is "Well, I can just kill myself to avoid this". I'm so exhausted. Hating myself every single day and only having it get worse each time I wake up is so painful. It's eating away at my very soul. Suicide feels inevitable to me. The goods are far outweighed by the bads. I just hate everything about myself and my life far too much to continue for much longer. I feel like if things continue the way they are, I'm done for.
 
#2
I don't feel like I have long left. I don't want to die, theres lots of things I love in life - but the pain is too great for me to keep going. Every time I have even a slight problem, my immediate thought is "Well, I can just kill myself to avoid this". I'm so exhausted. Hating myself every single day and only having it get worse each time I wake up is so painful. It's eating away at my very soul. Suicide feels inevitable to me. The goods are far outweighed by the bads. I just hate everything about myself and my life far too much to continue for much longer. I feel like if things continue the way they are, I'm done for.
I understand this so much, especially the suicide to avoid situations - it’s like I feel I don’t have a coping mechanism for anything bad so I ultimately just think / end it and I won’t have to cope.

I’m the same there’s so much I think I have to look forward to and I know I’ll hurt people by doing it - but I think they will move on and I’ll be free of all this

I just wish something would give me a glimmer of hope that if I keep fighting one day I’ll be happy and free of all the bad stuff that seems to surround me.
 
#3
I not sure if this is what you want to hear, but IMO this is directly related to your diet.

I can eat ground turkey and it'll end up depressing the HECK out of me.

It may be the high tryptophan in turkey causing a serotonin/dopamine imbalance,
though the WHY is not nearly as important as realizing that WHAT you're eating is
eating you.

Try eating as simple a diet as possible, taking note of how each food affects you.
Keep a diary, as a food may affect you well after it's been eaten.

And watch out for sea salt and apple cider vinegar. Sea salt alkalizes the stomach
and screws up the digestion. ACV, alkalizes too, even though it's an acid. (lots of
acids do, like ascorbic acid. [i.e. vit. C]


There's definitely a physiological imbalance, probably related to one's diet.
(don't you get a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach when you're down?)

It seems to be an over alkalinity, again, probably caused by eating an alkaline
producing diet. (all those spices everyone loves so much are very alkalizing)

I'd suggest 2 things to acidify yourself. Breath into a bag. The carbon dioxide
from breathing out acidifies. And put as much kosher salt as you can stand
under your tongue so you absorb it quickly.

I think you'll find these 2 simple strategies can be surprisingly helpful, clearing
the fog and lightening the mood. (by acidifying?)

And, if all else fails, then SED. If I'm right, you feed the bad feelings with every
morsel you eat. Just watch out though, fasting can be alkalizing too.
 

Soda-Voxel

Well-Known Member
#4
I not sure if this is what you want to hear, but IMO this is directly related to your diet.
I appreciate it. I don't think it is though. I rather think it's the opposite; the way I eat (Which isn't always great) is directly influenced by my depression. I don't really have any problems with food depression-wise, but I'm sure there's someone this advice will help, so I appreciate it nonetheless!
 

Angel777

Well-Known Member
#5
hi I noticed that you said you dont have a coping mechanism to deal with bad things happening , and that you look to suiside as a coping mechanism as it’s a way out . That truly is a very painfull place to be in , I know what your experiencing because I have the same problem too. With me its if the future gets bad , I can easily leave . Terrible situation to be in . I know I have to get help myself , with a psychologist /counselor , as soon as lock down ends . It might be good for you to get help too, a psychologist , can help you with coping skills, low self esteem , and help make your life a lot bearable than it is now . Please get help .
 
#6
hi I noticed that you said you dont have a coping mechanism to deal with bad things happening , and that you look to suiside as a coping mechanism as it’s a way out . That truly is a very painfull place to be in , I know what your experiencing because I have the same problem too. With me its if the future gets bad , I can easily leave . Terrible situation to be in . I know I have to get help myself , with a psychologist /counselor , as soon as lock down ends . It might be good for you to get help too, a psychologist , can help you with coping skills, low self esteem , and help make your life a lot bearable than it is now . Please get help .
Thanks for the reply ... I do see a therapist once a week and when speaking to her I think yes this will really help ... then when I’m back on my own I still feel exactly the same
I have good things in my life that I love but I just always feel the bad will come along and take that away. I’ve tried to explain it to people but they done get it

I constantly feel something bads going to come along anytime soon so maybe if I’m not here I don’t have to constantly feel this
The only thing I feel keeping me from this is my dog, I’ve not long had her and trained her up, even when we are walking she’s always looks for me and waits and I can’t bare the thought of her wondering why I left. But I don’t think I deserve her love and she will soon love a new owner
I know that sounds pathetic but that’s how jumbled up everything is in my head
 

Jane65

Well-Known Member
#7
Thanks for the reply ... I do see a therapist once a week and when speaking to her I think yes this will really help ... then when I’m back on my own I still feel exactly the same
I have good things in my life that I love but I just always feel the bad will come along and take that away. I’ve tried to explain it to people but they done get it

I constantly feel something bads going to come along anytime soon so maybe if I’m not here I don’t have to constantly feel this
The only thing I feel keeping me from this is my dog, I’ve not long had her and trained her up, even when we are walking she’s always looks for me and waits and I can’t bare the thought of her wondering why I left. But I don’t think I deserve her love and she will soon love a new owner
I know that sounds pathetic but that’s how jumbled up everything is in my head
Oh I so hear you about your dog! I adopted my current dog 2yrs ago. My furry companions are frequently the only reason I have to try to keep going. Right now I'm in bed with my dog in his bed right beside me. Staying here is the only thing from stopping me doing something right now. I hate the thought of my dog ending up back in rescue. Like you I have done a hole load of training. I like competing in various dog sports. My current dog Skipoer was doing really well in sniffer dog competitions, he won his 1st complete between our 1st and 2nd lockdown. Since I have got really bad I have been neglecting him and dont feel it's fair to keep him. Last week I found a dog walker who is coming everyday. That has helped a little with my guilt at not giving him enough but I still feel bad for him.
Your dog needs YOU. Not some new person. I know it's hard to believe because i am struggling with it too. But... it is as true for you as it is for me. Of course dogs are adaptable and will settle in a new home but I'm sure that if we both asked our dogs right now they would say they want to stay right where they are !!
I cant offer any useful help with questions about dealing with depression but anytime you want to talk about your dog feel free to message me directly.

*hug10*shake
 

MarvelFan

Vanity of Vanities
#8
I don't feel like I have long left. I don't want to die, theres lots of things I love in life - but the pain is too great for me to keep going. Every time I have even a slight problem, my immediate thought is "Well, I can just kill myself to avoid this". I'm so exhausted. Hating myself every single day and only having it get worse each time I wake up is so painful. It's eating away at my very soul. Suicide feels inevitable to me. The goods are far outweighed by the bads. I just hate everything about myself and my life far too much to continue for much longer. I feel like if things continue the way they are, I'm done for.
Well since reading your story and reading this I was bullied really bad and mugged and beaten so many times but I can imagine what cyber bullying has done to you. I have a flip phone and no social media since I chose not to have those things.

Its sad that you are 15 and feel this way. We are all on the same path in different ways @Soda-Voxel don't give in or give up Love you
Forever Young
 

Angel777

Well-Known Member
#9
Hi losing Hope , you said that after you have seen your therapist you seem to go back to feeling that everything is bad , which leaves you feeling suisidal. Have you spoken to your doctor about this, the whole neg feelings ,speaks depression , low self esteem .to me . Psychologists are good at changing your thinking styles, and building your self esteem . It’s good that you have a dog,to look after , they can bring a lot of happiness into your life and give you a sense of purpose . I feel it might be good to look around and seek out a good professional who specialises in your condition , you need to feel good about yourself, a lot more than you do now, perhaps a good therapist could suggest options for you to build up your self esteem , college. Uni, a new career . You deserve to be happy , and not to feel as bad as you say . I suffer to emensly with low self esteem , suisidal thoughts , I know their is a solution , and I attend to get the right help too.to get better . I hope you find the right help and support , as you deserve to be well and happy , everyone does
 
#10
Hi losing Hope , you said that after you have seen your therapist you seem to go back to feeling that everything is bad , which leaves you feeling suisidal. Have you spoken to your doctor about this, the whole neg feelings ,speaks depression , low self esteem .to me . Psychologists are good at changing your thinking styles, and building your self esteem . It’s good that you have a dog,to look after , they can bring a lot of happiness into your life and give you a sense of purpose . I feel it might be good to look around and seek out a good professional who specialises in your condition , you need to feel good about yourself, a lot more than you do now, perhaps a good therapist could suggest options for you to build up your self esteem , college. Uni, a new career . You deserve to be happy , and not to feel as bad as you say . I suffer to emensly with low self esteem , suisidal thoughts , I know their is a solution , and I attend to get the right help too.to get better . I hope you find the right help and support , as you deserve to be well and happy , everyone does
I see a therapist and they try to help me build my self esteem etc but I think I’ve felt like this for so long I don’t have any other feelings

I’ve recently just changed jobs and have my dream job, the hours I’m at work are the only time I feel good. The rest of the time I feel empty, I basically have my dog and nothing else. I’ve never had anyone to share things with, I just don’t feel I deserve that.
 

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