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I'm very low

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Jazlyn

Well-Known Member
#1
Hi everyone hope your doing well. I'm not today. Everyone says its ok to go through the motions of depression but I hate it. I hate living with this parasite that takes over my brain. I try my hardest to be a good hearted person to put others before myself but why is it no one would ever do what I do for them for me. I'm used by everyone I don't mind if I guess it makes them happy I just don't know what I do wrong. I'm there at a drop of a hat if you need me. I'll give you my last penny I know I shouldn't be like that. I just don't want anyone to hurt or feel how I do all the time. I try to make friends but Idk maybe they know I'm broken. I hate me and my body and just feeling like this. The meds made me worse talking to therapist don't work. It just isn't personal. Idk what to do anymore. But living in misery just isn't for me
 

Kiwi2016

🦩 Now a flamingo, not a kiwi 🦩
Forum Pro
#2
I am so sorry that you are struggling right now...I know all too well how frustrating dealing with depression can be as it seems so all consuming at times but please take to heart that you do matter and that you aren't alone as we're all here for you. So I encourage you to keep posting. I wondered if you'd considered looking for another therapist as sometimes like meds it takes some time to find the right one whom you feel that you can really talk to and whom can provide you with the support that you need. Know it's not easy to do but believe that it is worth it to explore other options till you find the right fit. Sending you hugs.
 

Jazlyn

Well-Known Member
#3
I would look for another but I've had 4 already. I've given couple a year the other 2 I just was so uncomfortable I went to 2 sessions. I just feel like all they want to do is drug me up. I'm already a zombie in real life i don't need more drugs to make it worse and they get mad about it. I will definitely keep posting. I just wish this feeling would go away. Thank you so much for responding. I really appreciate it
 

Kiwi2016

🦩 Now a flamingo, not a kiwi 🦩
Forum Pro
#5
I know that it can be frustrating to find the right fit for a therapist as well as the right balance of meds sometimes it may seem like the balance will never be found but hold onto the belief that it is possible. I too struggle with putting others before me (which has impacted my job and personal life) as that was how I was raised to be and slow but surely my therapist is helping me to realize that it may be that sometimes it is ok to think of my needs and be a bit selfish if that makes sense---but it isn't easy as it is so ingrained in my psyche. Just be gentle on yourself and so glad that you will keep posting. Sending you peaceful thoughts and hugs.
 

Jazlyn

Well-Known Member
#7
I know that it can be frustrating to find the right fit for a therapist as well as the right balance of meds sometimes it may seem like the balance will never be found but hold onto the belief that it is possible. I too struggle with putting others before me (which has impacted my job and personal life) as that was how I was raised to be and slow but surely my therapist is helping me to realize that it may be that sometimes it is ok to think of my needs and be a bit selfish if that makes sense---but it isn't easy as it is so ingrained in my psyche. Just be gentle on yourself and so glad that you will keep posting. Sending you peaceful thoughts and hugs.
Thank you kiwi. Yeah I just have been so emotionally beatdown for trying to put myself first. Both of my past relationship's were like that. I know that plays with my mind a lot too. I just hate meds at this point. Idk I'm just a lost case right now
 

Petal

~*Mod Extraordinaire*~
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#8
You need to make yourself your #1 priority. Treat yourself with the kindness you fill others hearts with. I think personally you should give medication another try as sometimes it can take a few medicines to find the best one that suits you. I know you are hurting but please know we ARE here for you. You are cared for and valued :)
 

Brandon123

Well-Known Member
#9
Hey Brandon. I'm really struggling. How are you
I'm OK, thanks. I second @Petal, you need to make yourself your #1 priority. When you are stronger and feel better, you can start caring about helping others. Also, it is very common that people do not reciprocate kindness, it's just how people works, unfortunately. When we accept this fact, and stop expecting to get anything back from people we help/support/are kind to etc., we lower the chance of getting all disappointed when they do not reciprocate. It is wrong, I know, but it is just how it works because people can act how they want :/
 

Jazlyn

Well-Known Member
#10
You need to make yourself your #1 priority. Treat yourself with the kindness you fill others hearts with. I think personally you should give medication another try as sometimes it can take a few medicines to find the best one that suits you. I know you are hurting but please know we ARE here for you. You are cared for
I'm OK, thanks. I second @Petal, you need to make yourself your #1 priority. When you are stronger and feel better, you can start caring about helping others. Also, it is very common that people do not reciprocate kindness, it's just how people works, unfortunately. When we accept this fact, and stop expecting to get anything back from people we help/support/are kind to etc., we lower the chance of getting all disappointed when they do not reciprocate. It is wrong, I know, but it is just how it works because people can act how they want :/
it to me isn't about expecting anything in return. Its just you would think hearing your supposed friend is admitted to the hospital not one person visited me or a text or a phone call. I could have died but no one cared. My family was there but that's it. I just thought they were my friends but I was wrong. I rather have no friends. I have my family and pets. I just wish people were more kind.
 

Jazlyn

Well-Known Member
#11
You need to make yourself your #1 priority. Treat yourself with the kindness you fill others hearts with. I think personally you should give medication another try as sometimes it can take a few medicines to find the best one that suits you. I know you are hurting but please know we ARE here for you. You are cared for and valued :)
I'm definitely trying that now. I'm so burnt out from everything I have no choice. I've been on at least 8 different meds and all but one have made me suicidal. The only reason why I stopped this other one is because with my gastroparesis I just throw up everything so it waste at this point. If I get a feeding tube I can get meds hopefully that can be syringed into the tube
 

Kiwi2016

🦩 Now a flamingo, not a kiwi 🦩
Forum Pro
#12
I am so sorry to read that you have tried so many different meds and that with your gastroparesis it affects the one med that helped. As I can't imagine how hard it is to deal with gastroparesis and trying to take meds but as you said maybe a feeding tube could be a viable option. Do your dr's think this would work? Yes putting oneself first when you've always put others first is so hard. I've been trying to do that but seems to be I'm only able to take baby steps in that direction as always have feelings of guilt when I do...but what I've started to do is try to do that perhaps once a week where instead of acquiescing to other's wishes/wants I voice my thoughts/feelings and instead do one thing for myself-however small if that makes any sense. Sending you hugs and encourage you to keep posting.
 

Jazlyn

Well-Known Member
#14
I am so sorry to read that you have tried so many different meds and that with your gastroparesis it affects the one med that helped. As I can't imagine how hard it is to deal with gastroparesis and trying to take meds but as you said maybe a feeding tube could be a viable option. Do your dr's think this would work? Yes putting oneself first when you've always put others first is so hard. I've been trying to do that but seems to be I'm only able to take baby steps in that direction as always have feelings of guilt when I do...but what I've started to do is try to do that perhaps once a week where instead of acquiescing to other's wishes/wants I voice my thoughts/feelings and instead do one thing for myself-however small if that makes any sense. Sending you hugs and encourage you to keep posting.
I see my PC doctor Monday so we'll go over the best treatment options and meds that I can take. It is a really hard adjustment. I feel lie I have an eating disorder and it is screwing with my mind. I feel so ugly losing weight. My bones are starting to show more. I finally hit a good weight where I finally was happy and now I am getting to how I looked before being diagnosed with celiacs. I just feel like the universe really hates me. I am proud of you for making baby steps. That's awesome. I still am struggling with putting me first. I try really hard to please too. I hope you're doing well
 

Brandon123

Well-Known Member
#16
No one. I've never had a real friend. I guess maybe I'm not worth it. But I don't care. I have my pets and family.
Of course you're worthy of real friends! Unfortunately, too many people freak out when friends get sick, and start avoiding them. I'm sure you will find real friends in the future. In any case, it's great that you have a caring family and your pets. That's really valuable.
 

Kiwi2016

🦩 Now a flamingo, not a kiwi 🦩
Forum Pro
#17
I am sending you positive thoughts for your dr's appt on Monday that she/he will have some viable options for you both for your meds as well as helping you with your weight. I know that this sounds like a platitude but just take it one day at a time and be gentle on yourself as it sounds like you are doing all you can do to find the best ways to manage this.

I too feel as if I don't have many friends as I've commuted 1 to 1 1.2 hours to work for close to 20 years so there seems to be no time to develop friendships either at work or at home. But what I have been thinking about/wanting to do is to find something which interests me for volunteerimg where I live and maybe then through that will meet people who have a common interest and that may lead to friendships. One of my baby steps I'm trying to work on. You are definitely worthy of friends so don't sell yourself short. I too am so glad that you have a supportive family and there is nothing that can replace the unconditional love of pets in my mind at least. Take care and sending you hugs.
 

Jazlyn

Well-Known Member
#19
I am sending you positive thoughts for your dr's appt on Monday that she/he will have some viable options for you both for your meds as well as helping you with your weight. I know that this sounds like a platitude but just take it one day at a time and be gentle on yourself as it sounds like you are doing all you can do to find the best ways to manage this.

I too feel as if I don't have many friends as I've commuted 1 to 1 1.2 hours to work for close to 20 years so there seems to be no time to develop friendships either at work or at home. But what I have been thinking about/wanting to do is to find something which interests me for volunteerimg where I live and maybe then through that will meet people who have a common interest and that may lead to friendships. One of my baby steps I'm trying to work on. You are definitely worthy of friends so don't sell yourself short. I too am so glad that you have a supportive family and there is nothing that can replace the unconditional love of pets in my mind at least. Take care and sending you hugs.
Thank you! !! They did the botox injections. Hopefully it works. I'm staying positive. I know animal shelters always need help. And you get to play with animals that is a great stress reliever and a good way to make friends I bet. My brother keeps telling me I'm worthy of friends you both are right. I just have to really keep that in my mind
 
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