I messed up. I was thrust out of the friend group. I got into an argument with someone, long story short, I was way out of line.
When everyone got mad at me I didn't respond with rationale I responded in even more anger.
This spiralled quickly. However this guy I argued with, I stopped considering him a friend a long time ago. It was purely an emotional reason. Maybe thats bad too.
The line "we'll talk later after you calmed down and take back some things." Or something maybe worded a little different but thats the gist was a line that made me irrationally mad.
100% of discord got mad at me.
There's also been stuff at home ans work and like frustration trying to prepare for holidays and work drama because I realized that working in healthcare wasnt the kind and selfless job with good willed peers.
Its drama. A whole nother can of worms. I dont even want to think about now.
and I felt irritable and useless.
Frustrated and helpless.
And I turned on my allies.
And then there were none.
I'm posting this here because what I feel is grief. I recognize it. This is what it feels to lose someone dear to you. I've felt it many a time. I'm very bad at keeping friends. I always fuck up, not thinking.
I couldnt truly apologize. No one glanced at it twice.
My sorries are a meme, because i say them too much. And the two people I cared about above all else blocked me.
I shouldve stepped back.
I shouldve let it go.
This hole in my chest...I want to let go. Grief is a powerful thing. I think more than anger or sadness or depression grief is the most tempting emotion to try and convince you to do the act of suicide.
Or it is for me. I hope thats ok to say.
I had alot of hope. Actually. I passed the top of my class in cna. I felt hopeful, for the first time in 12 years I felt geniunely hopeful.
Recently it's all gone to hell. And it's all my fault.
I havent stopped crying. Since 430 this morning. Its 1.30pm now.
I always do this.
I'll never try again. The grief is the hardest emotion to combat.
I actually talked with a friend of a friend. He said just give that one a week or two to calm down. Then maybe we can talk, maybe he'll unblock me. That one we will call purple. Im holding on as hard as I can hoping he'll unblock me, and I cant properly apologize, and not lose what is my best friend. One of the two most precious people to me. That is my single flame in this ocean of a mess.
The other one is yellow. We will call him yellow.
Ive spoken about him before in these rants. How I loved him from years ago.
But yellow abhors me. He sent me a very long message. I dont believe he'll ever forgive me. For what I've done.
I want to copy the text.
I wonder if it's ethical.
It wasnt wrong, what he said
Its probably right.
Maybe read. It is the worst feeling. The sharpest knife. Yet I begged for it.
No names. I dont want anything to go back to him.
"Look, I don't know why you still bother. As harsh as it sounds, I've never cared about you, and you know that. I've kept you at arm's length pretty much right from the start. What makes you think I'm going to come around now, after everything that's happened between you and everyone else? "I'm sorry" is all you know how to say, but you never actually reflect on anything you did wrong, and instead you blindly self-flagellate, making everything about you in an obvious ploy to garner free sympathy. You never improve, you never make amends, you just keep making the same mistakes again and again with not a mote of self-awareness to your name.
Quite frankly, we're all done with you, and if you don't want this to happen again in the next community you become part of, learn to reflect on your mistakes. Realize what you actually did wrong and exactly how you wronged someone. Don't just hide behind a wall of "I'm sorry"s and beat yourself up, because that's just a defense mechanism and doesn't make you look repentant at all. All you're saying is "I'm sorry I'm such an awful person", rather than "I'm sorry I did xyz".
As for me personally, I have several things I'd want to say, but at this point I no longer have the time or energy to care. Just leave me alone, now and forever. Don't ever talk to or about me again."
Perhaps its bad then that im talking about him. Its agianst his wish.
Its probably undesirable. But this is unbearable.
I was actually not feeling suicidal for about a week, and then alot of things suddenly became very stressful. Then the exhaustion returned.
I fucked up.
I lost all my friends.
Again.
I'm trying to hang on tightly, for the one friend who may forgive me. For Purple.
But if that doesnt happen...
I dont know how I'll be able to keep hanging on.
Ive lost all my friends. Again.
I feel so out of place.
Ive started dissociating again.
Ive lost my mind.
Im so pointless.
I hate this.
I hate this emptiness filled only with grief and self hatred.
When I start dissociating I start switchin, which has been its own kind of madness.
I can't keep doing this.
I dont think I can at all.
I pray Purple will forgive me.
Please.
When everyone got mad at me I didn't respond with rationale I responded in even more anger.
This spiralled quickly. However this guy I argued with, I stopped considering him a friend a long time ago. It was purely an emotional reason. Maybe thats bad too.
The line "we'll talk later after you calmed down and take back some things." Or something maybe worded a little different but thats the gist was a line that made me irrationally mad.
100% of discord got mad at me.
There's also been stuff at home ans work and like frustration trying to prepare for holidays and work drama because I realized that working in healthcare wasnt the kind and selfless job with good willed peers.
Its drama. A whole nother can of worms. I dont even want to think about now.
and I felt irritable and useless.
Frustrated and helpless.
And I turned on my allies.
And then there were none.
I'm posting this here because what I feel is grief. I recognize it. This is what it feels to lose someone dear to you. I've felt it many a time. I'm very bad at keeping friends. I always fuck up, not thinking.
I couldnt truly apologize. No one glanced at it twice.
My sorries are a meme, because i say them too much. And the two people I cared about above all else blocked me.
I shouldve stepped back.
I shouldve let it go.
This hole in my chest...I want to let go. Grief is a powerful thing. I think more than anger or sadness or depression grief is the most tempting emotion to try and convince you to do the act of suicide.
Or it is for me. I hope thats ok to say.
I had alot of hope. Actually. I passed the top of my class in cna. I felt hopeful, for the first time in 12 years I felt geniunely hopeful.
Recently it's all gone to hell. And it's all my fault.
I havent stopped crying. Since 430 this morning. Its 1.30pm now.
I always do this.
I'll never try again. The grief is the hardest emotion to combat.
I actually talked with a friend of a friend. He said just give that one a week or two to calm down. Then maybe we can talk, maybe he'll unblock me. That one we will call purple. Im holding on as hard as I can hoping he'll unblock me, and I cant properly apologize, and not lose what is my best friend. One of the two most precious people to me. That is my single flame in this ocean of a mess.
The other one is yellow. We will call him yellow.
Ive spoken about him before in these rants. How I loved him from years ago.
But yellow abhors me. He sent me a very long message. I dont believe he'll ever forgive me. For what I've done.
I want to copy the text.
I wonder if it's ethical.
It wasnt wrong, what he said
Its probably right.
Maybe read. It is the worst feeling. The sharpest knife. Yet I begged for it.
No names. I dont want anything to go back to him.
"Look, I don't know why you still bother. As harsh as it sounds, I've never cared about you, and you know that. I've kept you at arm's length pretty much right from the start. What makes you think I'm going to come around now, after everything that's happened between you and everyone else? "I'm sorry" is all you know how to say, but you never actually reflect on anything you did wrong, and instead you blindly self-flagellate, making everything about you in an obvious ploy to garner free sympathy. You never improve, you never make amends, you just keep making the same mistakes again and again with not a mote of self-awareness to your name.
Quite frankly, we're all done with you, and if you don't want this to happen again in the next community you become part of, learn to reflect on your mistakes. Realize what you actually did wrong and exactly how you wronged someone. Don't just hide behind a wall of "I'm sorry"s and beat yourself up, because that's just a defense mechanism and doesn't make you look repentant at all. All you're saying is "I'm sorry I'm such an awful person", rather than "I'm sorry I did xyz".
As for me personally, I have several things I'd want to say, but at this point I no longer have the time or energy to care. Just leave me alone, now and forever. Don't ever talk to or about me again."
Perhaps its bad then that im talking about him. Its agianst his wish.
Its probably undesirable. But this is unbearable.
I was actually not feeling suicidal for about a week, and then alot of things suddenly became very stressful. Then the exhaustion returned.
I fucked up.
I lost all my friends.
Again.
I'm trying to hang on tightly, for the one friend who may forgive me. For Purple.
But if that doesnt happen...
I dont know how I'll be able to keep hanging on.
Ive lost all my friends. Again.
I feel so out of place.
Ive started dissociating again.
Ive lost my mind.
Im so pointless.
I hate this.
I hate this emptiness filled only with grief and self hatred.
When I start dissociating I start switchin, which has been its own kind of madness.
I can't keep doing this.
I dont think I can at all.
I pray Purple will forgive me.
Please.
