I don’t know whether to judge the effectiveness of my antidepressant by my mood or my actions. If I’ve improved my life, and I’m willing to continue, could my medication be helping even if my mood suggests otherwise? I’ve tried numerous antidepressants that have done nothing more than numb the sadness temporarily before I adjust and inevitably suffer another bout of obsessive suicidal ideation. Even now after taking esketamine for about a year and having gone back to school, I still think I’m better off dead—no longer painfully aware of my thoughts, emotions, individuality, and identity, but I’m hopeful at least!