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My sister hates me and I don't know what to do

Najona

New Member
#1
hello everyone,

This is actually my first time posting (a very long post too) and I hope I'm not making any mistakes here. In case this thread should be posted somewhere else please let me know. Plus, I'm not a native English speaker but I'm trying my best to explain my situation as well as possible as I really don't know what to do anymore. Also I don't know if it's safe to post here because if any of the people I am referring to in my thread are in here, everything will probably get worse.

So basically I messed up big time almost three years ago. My sister (she was a minor back then) and I both fell for the same man whom we've been friends with for a couple months. At first she didn't know that I was attracted to him until I told her a few weeks later. She got mad at me back then which made me feel worse because I thought we could talk about it. But I had come to the conclusion that it would be better to grant my sister some happiness and give up on him. A few days later he asked my sister out and she accepted. Of course I gave her my consent and wished both good luck even though I was hurting. The first night had been so awful that I had to seek shelter at my friend's place to have some distance. The man (lets call him S) called me that night and asked if I'm okay. He then found out that I was in love with him too. He was shocked because he thought I kept on being distant because I didn't like him like that. He silently asked me to stay friends because he didn't want to lose me as being friends would be all he can offer now. So I went back home the next day and chatted with both him and my sister. One month went by of them dating and it was horrible for me. I asked my sister to not being as affectionate when I'm around so I can get over it easier. She didn't. She boasted how he made her presents and drew stuff for her. I sometimes asked her to stop talking about it and that I can't take it anymore but it didn't stop. We easily got into arguments and things were tense. A couple times S messaged me and asked for dating advice regarding my sister because even when they were alone she wouldn't want to hug him and was rarely nice to him (a problem of her, she has a really hurtful humor and doesn't like human contact). I tried to solve things between both occasionally in that month with my sister not wanting to be nice to him, saying sorry, or keeping promises she made to him. It was sometimes so bad that he messaged me because some things started to be confusing to him. So the more he and I talked, the more we found out that she made stuff up about me so he would like her more and that she didn't tell him her actual age. He then confessed to me that he liked me more at first but because he knew my sister longer he believed everything she said. So a few weeks went by and he told me he fell for me after all. I didn't know what to do because I didn't want to hurt my sister. That is what i told him back then as well "i can't say yes to your confession. You need to talk to my sister first and try to solve things. I don't want to hurt her." And he talked to her and she got mad, even turning my mother and my best friend against me by saying I had already agreed to dating him and that I am a slut. So, a couple days went by full of fights, my (now former) best friend turning against me completely making me lose most of my friend circle. It even happened that I had no one but S to talk to. I had no one anymore. The worst day was when my mother had to be brought to the hospital and my sister and I needed to help her packing her bag. Things escalated and my sister dragged me to the ground, punching and kicking me. I lost a bunch of hair, my arm was scratched and bleeding, and I couldn't walk properly as my leg was bruised. I made the worst mistake in my life and seemed for help online, saying how my sister hurt me and that I needed help from anyone. I couldn't have gone to S obviously and I didn't want to tell him about this either at first. I ended up being all alone at home, my sister and my ex best friend tried to make me take my request for help down as it could damage my sister's future. I ended up going to S after all and he was shocked and tried to talk to my sister without success. In the end I started dating S too. Shitty idea I know.
At that time i also had a ask.fm account (a site where people can ask you questions) and during that time where I lost my best friend and my sister, i kept on getting questions about the situation, one even wishing death to my best friend. I ignored them at first but they got weirder and weirder and repetitive and i felt stressed out. So I answered a few in hopes to make it stop. Little did I know that my former best friend screenshotted everything and sent it to my sister. Both said I sent the questions myself so I had something to talk about. But it wasn't me. I don't know who it was but it wasn't me. I ended up deleting my profile there completely although I had a lot of stuff I had wished to keep but I felt like whoever it was was trying to drag me down further and further.
So a few months went by, my mom came out of hospital and was finally willing to listen to my story. She was on my side then. Then my sister came back a few days later, she was staying at a relative's house. Things kept on escalating, when I got out of my room I was afraid of meeting my sister somewhere in the house so I scarcely ate. Leaving the house was possible too because I often met people who were acquaintanced with my best friend who tried to ruin my reputation (i had already a bad reputation because I was bullied at my last school). Sometimes when I did join my family for dinner, things escalated again and she kicked me. I had a really bad bruise on my leg and couldn't walk properly for weeks then. My mom had tried to hold her back but she attacked me, calling me whore and slut and everything. Even when I asked my sister to stop being associated with S she said she'd still hate me and I can't change anything. Things got so worse that when I went to S and his family for a month, she sent me the screenshots from ask.fm and threatened to sue me. I know she was hurting, but even when I had tried to stop talking to S, she still hated me. This went on for a year until Christmas. No matter what I did she hated me, but i still wanted to change that. I bought her her favorite sweets and she hugged me and cried in my arms during Christmas. We made up then and she agreed that i could date S but keep it a secret from her. Which he and I did of course, I didn't want to lose her after all. My sister then found a therapist for herself and was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and social phobia. Things kind of went down from there too. First our cat died which, according to what my sister said, was the only one that really mattered to her. It was a horrible thing to see our cat die, we had to put it to sleep because of cancer, my sister didn't want to do that but we needed to do it. It was torture to let our cat go through its disease. My sister didn't take it well at all and even quitted her job due to our cat's death, because the authorities at her workplace had problems with her and overall they were horrible to my sister. But she turned against me again which made me flee to S again. I came back a month later and we made up, I tried my best to be there for her because she didn't have it easy. I then tried to help her find a new job. I did my best to be of help to her but it strained me a lot, together with my sister I had to convince my parents to pay the university for her. But the whole secret keeping strained me, I was scared to leave the house and tell her where to go. She already thinks I'm a liar. Which is justified, I made a few mistakes when I was a teenager and I had to lie a lot to stay safe but I ended up hurting others. I'm not a good person either, I know that.
Now since she has a therapist she became even more rude. She talks rudely and sarcastically to my parents and me, though more to my parents. She's unappreciative and takes everything for granted and is even too spoiled to look for a part time job as no part time job is good enough for her. When my mother buys something for her she goes "are you dumb? That's not what I need". When she has money, she spends it without thought. Even though we had gotten along quite well unless I leave to visit S, things started to escalate again. We got into a fight yesterday due to a financial situation regarding me (the bank kept on deducting money from my account and yesterday it turned out that my dad made that mistake years ago when I was a minor and forgot to transfer the costs to his account) and her sudden rudeness and pushy behavior stressed me out so bad that I raised my voice and made her leave the room even though I had asked her to be with me for the conversation itself. I feel bad that I did that but the topic itself had been straining me for a while and her putting even more stress on me made me snap. Of course I felt bad. I made her cry. And I made her think I'm a liar. Even though she had seen the receipts and how the bank deducted money from my account, she thought I'm a liar. I tried to talk to her now and apologized for having acted like that but she said she doesn't want to see me anymore. That I'm a liar, that I've always been a liar. That I'm a slut. That I probably have stolen my money to visit S (which is not true, whenever I have a part time job, I save every single cent and spend it for little presents, necessities or visits). She went on how pathetic I am that I had lent S some money once (he gave it back to me, and twice as much. I have no receipts but it is the truth, even my mother knows that). S was sick once and i visited him when he was in hospital, she brought that up as well and said it was a pity he survived. She said unlike her, I don't know what working is (I worked at two different companies while being a student. Of course it's just part time jobs but I did work). She said unlike her I am a filthy liar. She doesn't want me as a sister anymore. I was confused and asked her why she had been nice to me for months then. She laughed and said that she was only nice so she can avoid fights. She said she only has a therapist so she has a shoulder to cry on and get out of the house sometimes, but she doesn't take advice from the therapist. She added instead of spending money on visits, I should pay off the education services that my parents gifted me "even I gave them some money when I started university so why not you" (I asked my parents about that, they never received money from her). I started crying too because I didn't want to lose her and she laughed again and said i should stop the fake tears. She said she wasn't in the mood to talk. I asked if I should stop by later or if she would come and talk so we can make things up. She said she never wants to talk to me again. She also said I posted on ask.fm how ugly she was "your best friend showed that to me". I asked her to show me the proof because I know what I said and I never said things like that. She said she doesn't have them and she'd need to look them up on her notebook, to which I said she should look it up with me then. She refused to do so and said that they might be on an Sd card on her broken mobile phone, she threw the card on her bed and said I should check it on the family's PC. I demanded for her to come with me but she kept on refusing and said "they're the first pictures probably, you can't miss them". I said it's no use for me to check it alone because in case I didn't find it she'd accuse me of lying again. She changed the topic completely and said "oh, you said once S let you read our full conversations from back then in our chat right? And you haven't seen how he asked for money and our financial status?" I said no. "He must have deleted it then. You know you can delete messages right?". i asked if me dating him is still such an issue after almost three years. She laughed again and said "jealous? I couldn't even care less. All you've ever been good for was spreading your legs after all. Why don't you stay with his banana planting family and live your poor life and leave me alone already?" I left then but I've been crying ever since. I was suicidal before but now for the first time in forever i am thinking about it again. I know I could move to S but that will need to wait until I graduated from my college. I just want to be happy. I don't want to lose my sister. i really don't know what to do. I have already heard from so many people that it would be better for me to just stop existing. That's why I'm asking for help here. I know some of you may agree that I'm a slut. That is fine. But any advice on how to make my sister stop hating me would be really appreciated. In case i left some holes in my story, I'll try to fill them with as many details as possible. Thank you all in advance.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Staff member
Safety & Support
#2
*hug* I'm sorry there are so many hard feelings between you and your sister.

I don't think you are slut.

As for the rest of the situation? It seems like your sister was very hurt and is still very angry and mistrustful. If you have apologized sincerely and have promised not do something like that again, that's really all you can do. Then it's up to your sister to figure out if the apology helps her to forgive you and if she wants a relationship with you again. It might take some time for her to move beyond this tangled situation.

I hope you are able to move on from this yourself. We can't change the past. We can handle ourselves in the present moment so that we are dignified and don't hurt others by our words or actions. If your sister learns to see you as a caring and non-threatening friend and sister in her life again, I hope she will let go of her hurt.

Sending you good wishes that all goes well and settles down soon.
 

Najona

New Member
#3
*hug* I'm sorry there are so many hard feelings between you and your sister.

I don't think you are slut.

As for the rest of the situation? It seems like your sister was very hurt and is still very angry and mistrustful. If you have apologized sincerely and have promised not do something like that again, that's really all you can do. Then it's up to your sister to figure out if the apology helps her to forgive you and if she wants a relationship with you again. It might take some time for her to move beyond this tangled situation.

I hope you are able to move on from this yourself. We can't change the past. We can handle ourselves in the present moment so that we are dignified and don't hurt others by our words or actions. If your sister learns to see you as a caring and non-threatening friend and sister in her life again, I hope she will let go of her hurt.

Sending you good wishes that all goes well and settles down soon.
Thank you so much for the advice! I have already tried to apologize to her and although she didn't accept it she went back to talking normally to me again. This happened quite often so I don't know where I stand.
But once again, thank you a lot for being kind to me and giving me advice! That already made me feel better :)
 

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