Partner's possible abusive ex

[Beka]

Hey so it's been a really long time since I've felt the need to come here and post but I didn't know where else to ask for advice really.

So he's not my partner but a new guy I'm seeing. It's been going pretty good, he's in the army so we've only been on one date and it was amazing, I've never felt so relaxed. We've been talking for only about 2 weeks and about half an hour ago I got a message from a girl claiming to be his Fiancée. I did a quick look through her posts (this was on instagram that she messaged me over) and the last post she had him in was last year at christmas. So I had this girl asking me questions, asking if we met and when and where and being overall pretty calm about it.
Anyway, I got angry and messaged this guy asking for an explanation and he basically said that she was abusive and they argued constantly and last time they saw each other they had a huge argument, broke up and she threw the ring in his face but he said she wouldn't/couldn't accept that they were over. He also said she had hacked into all his accounts.

My question is that I have no idea who to believe, I know what people are capable of. I know some people are capable of lying so easily and some are capable of being abusive and controlling.

I want to believe him but I'm finding it difficult because my BPD is out of control a little right now and all the anxious, paranoid thoughts are racing round. I don't know what to do. I like this guy, but on the other hand my mind is whispering to me to cut my losses immediately.

Any advice on this situation?

 

[Shannew]

Hi Beka,
I would raise a few major red flags in this situation.
- The fact that they were engaged and broke up - seems like unresolved business
- The fact that she contacted you - more unresolved business
- The fact that they were together just a few months ago - feelings cannot have dissipated so quickly
- The fact that he's blaming her and making her look so bad - he's possibly feeling guilty, no one is blameless in any situation
- The fact that she's acting so crazy - yes girls can be crazy but there usually is a reason, something that he did that might be a problem in your relationship as well

And girl, its only been one date. I've had a lot of amazing one dates with guys, it really doesn't predict how good they are as a partner or a person.
My advice if you really like this guy, keep him around, but don't depend on him/think he's the one and only - have other options. You're right, you literally never know how people really are.
My real advice is just save your time and move on because more often than not, in these situations, the guy ends up being shady.

Take care x

 

[AlexiMarie7]

I lean more towards the benefit of the doubt. But this "issue" having popped up, I'd say to pay even more attention to his actions.

Did she post a lot of pics with him during last year? If she did, but hasn't at all for this year, that timeline may well coincide with the breakup as he said. It's still very new with you so he may not have brought out his deepest details of past relationships on the first and only date.

I would not answer more questions from her. Just focus on what he says and does, his availability etc. He could be telling the truth, and if he is it would be a shame to let fear get in the way or more magical dates, or whatever else may be in store in the future.

6 months is a fairly short time, so she could still be holding on while he is ready to move on to something new and stable.

Give it a chance, I'd say.

 

[Beka]

Hi Beka,
I would raise a few major red flags in this situation.
- The fact that they were engaged and broke up - seems like unresolved business
- The fact that she contacted you - more unresolved business
- The fact that they were together just a few months ago - feelings cannot have dissipated so quickly
- The fact that he's blaming her and making her look so bad - he's possibly feeling guilty, no one is blameless in any situation
- The fact that she's acting so crazy - yes girls can be crazy but there usually is a reason, something that he did that might be a problem in your relationship as well

And girl, its only been one date. I've had a lot of amazing one dates with guys, it really doesn't predict how good they are as a partner or a person.
My advice if you really like this guy, keep him around, but don't depend on him/think he's the one and only - have other options. You're right, you literally never know how people really are.
My real advice is just save your time and move on because more often than not, in these situations, the guy ends up being shady.

Take care x

I lean more towards the benefit of the doubt. But this "issue" having popped up, I'd say to pay even more attention to his actions.

Did she post a lot of pics with him during last year? If she did, but hasn't at all for this year, that timeline may well coincide with the breakup as he said. It's still very new with you so he may not have brought out his deepest details of past relationships on the first and only date.

I would not answer more questions from her. Just focus on what he says and does, his availability etc. He could be telling the truth, and if he is it would be a shame to let fear get in the way or more magical dates, or whatever else may be in store in the future.

6 months is a fairly short time, so she could still be holding on while he is ready to move on to something new and stable.

Give it a chance, I'd say.

Thank you both for your responses, all I've done is sent him a message saying he needs to deal with this situation before I would feel comfortable talking to him again. Even though I do believe him, I don't want the drama. We do get along very well so maybe one day it can pick up again but I really don't want other girls messaging me especially when she's been hacking into his accounts. As much as I would like to take the risk I can't because I don't want to be involved with someone who may or may not be cheating on their partner. No matter how bad the relationship is/was there's no excuse