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itmahanh

Senior Member & Antiquities Friend
#21
Bro it's gone!!!!!!!! This was so important to me. It felt like if I could finish it, I would of faced many of my demons and maybe even won over a few. But more important when I finished it, others could read it and see they are not alone!!!!!! But like everything I put my heart and soul into, it turns on me or walks away. Losing my novel feels just like that. People do it to me all the time. But my own heart and soul???? No nothing can fix this.
 

Stranger1

Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend
#22
Sis big bear hugs to you!! You know we love you and you are in many hearts here..Take some time and calm down.. You have all the time in the world to start over.. Right now you need to look out for you..l care what happens..
 

itmahanh

Senior Member & Antiquities Friend
#23
You dont understand. That novel was more than mere writing on some pages. It was my last ditch effort to get things out of my head, hjeart and soul. To try and rid myself of the pain from people. The ultimate closure that I have been denied on so many things. Now it's gone. If that doesnt shout failure then I dont know what does. I cant start it over. Too many painful memories to open yet again. I have nightmares again about what he did to me. Words that were said. All of it. I just cant anymore. The one thing I was doing that was giving me something to work towards gone. Yeah I maybe over dramatic but I dont think anyone can understand how important that novel had become to me. I just cant anymore. I want to be gone like that novel.....poof!!!!! In the blink of an eye......gone!!!!
 

doityourself

Well-Known Member
#24
Wow your writing a book, how great is that. I know you may think its nothing but it really is huge. I bow to you and are a little jealous that you can put your words down on paper.

I do understand how it could bring up memories or negative thoughts, ever try writing in a peaceful atmosphere, like at a park or by the water, somewhere you can focus and be able to look up and bring yourself out of that memory and realize your not living it anymore that it is what it is a memory.

If your like me, then your probably overthinking life, overthinking why this and that happened or didnt happen. Stop doing that to yourself, BS happens in life and that doesnt mean you deserved it or brought it on yourself, it means that your living and hopefully that you learned something from that experience that you can teach others, like you writing your book.

I will repeat what everyone else said and say dont feel ashamed that you post or think that you dont deserve help or a kind word, YOU DO, we all do and sometimes we just need someone to say I CARE ABOUT YOU and YOUR LIFE IS WORTH LIVING.

Well I can say that and I dont even know you, but I understand the pain and the torture that you feel, and wish and hope and maybe even pray that someday you will open up your mind to living and not dying. I hope that made sense cause Im not trying to hurt your feelings or make it sound like I know everything cause I dont just want you to know that I care.
 

itmahanh

Senior Member & Antiquities Friend
#25
I know your words are nothing but all support and care. Thank you. But my head isnt letting any of those in today. I just feel done. Things are all lined up just have to find the energy to make that "jump" and get things going. So trying to keep that pushed away somewhere by posting around here. Can tell you though it isnt going to work for long. Been here at this point too many times before.
 

Dave_N

Banned Member
#29
Carla, I think that you really should write that novel, because it would be something that your children could read one day and know of the hardships that you've had to deal with in your life. :hug:
 

itmahanh

Senior Member & Antiquities Friend
#30
I've had a lot of time to think since I came back here. And it all leads back to the one thing that I've been desperately trying to fight. I asked myself why do I keep fighting? I couldnt find a single reason why. So..... I'm not fighting it anymore. If I fight it then once again I am giving myself hope. Hope for something that is never going to happen for me. In this last year I have been hurt terribly by people that I loved and trusted completely. I have had hopes for my health taken away. There is nothing worth the pain I seem to keep finding. I will no longer bother or be a bother to others. The need to isolate is overwhelming. I cant help others here nor myself. This is a support site and I cant seem to give or take that support lately. I'm sorry.
 

doityourself

Well-Known Member
#31
sometimes all we can see is the pain, nothing else can break through it, please dont leave, let us continue to tell you that we care, bc I know I do.

I know its just words and you say you dont even know me, but I do care that your hurting and hate to hear that your in so much pain because Ive been there and I would never wish that on anyone, really...not even my worst enemy.

I wish and hope that you dont give up on yourself, I know this is a looooonnng battle, but Im hoping that one day you will wake up and tell yourself what the hell do I keep beating myself up over things that I cannot change and worry and focus on the ones that you can.
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#32
But you have been helping others giving support to others and i hope you know i care right i am just fighting those emotions again too just trying to find strength sometimes it hard so what you do is look after you you because your health is what matters you matter C to alot of us hugs
 

Stranger1

Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend
#33
Hey Sis, Didn't you say you emailed your novel to a friend?? Why don't you have him/her email it back to you and put it in a different file.. Just a thought!! Love You Mucho Grande, Bro
 
#34
i'd have a computer tech come and look at your pc and at the corrupt files. i had a problem with my master's thesis (a year's work lost) and they were able to retrieve most (but not all) of it. what a relief. it's worth the cost. get an expert in.
 

itmahanh

Senior Member & Antiquities Friend
#35
Hey Sis, Didn't you say you emailed your novel to a friend?? Why don't you have him/her email it back to you and put it in a different file.. Just a thought!! Love You Mucho Grande, Bro
I only had about the first 15 pages when I sent her that. I had done about another 45-50. And it was all random stuff. That's how it's being written. Written just like my mind is operating. So I cant recall what I said or how I put it out in print. It's gone. I'm in tears over this.

I wish my frickin brain worked like a normal person. So many things all at one time always going on in my head. Same with noises. People go out they hear a din in say a mall. I hear every little noise individually. Then throw in the anxiety and panic attacks well lets just say I dont go out very often.

And never to someplace I havent been before. Someplace new, someone has to take me or I cant function. Tuesday is the surgery to have 18 teeth pulled. I'm a wreck over this and have been for about a week. I cant do it yet I cant stand the pain from the multiple absesses either. Only good thing to come from it is I have been able to stock pile meds.

It's saturday night I'm sitting alone in my house with everything shut off. The noise from my CPU is droning in my head. I hear the fridge running in the other room. I hear the pilot in the furnance in the basement burning. I hear the mouse running in her wheel upstairs. I hear the stacticy noise of nothing ringing in my head. I'm lonely. Scared. And suicidal. Someone please tell me how to make it all stop. I know what I want to do. I know what I can do. Tell me what I should do. And not the book or bath thing. Something really concrete. PLEASE!!!!! Quite honestly this is getting urgent.
 
#37
ok i won't suggest the book and bath thing... sometimes it's beyond that, i know.

can you have a friend come and sit with you for a while? to comfort you and distract you? or could you go to a friend's house?
 

itmahanh

Senior Member & Antiquities Friend
#39
I'm so freaked about tomorrow. Vomitting my nerves are so shot. I wont be in any form of control tomorrow. The pain whatever doesnt scare me at all. But being knocked out? I would rather suicide tonight then face tomorrow. No sanctuary or safety of my home. I'm a wreck. Wreck = booze = pills = ????? I would really appreciate some distraction please????
 

lightbeam

Antiquities Friend
#40
C,

I know how you are feeling. Sometimes the loneliness sucks the life right out of you. But you are strong, and I know that deep down all you want is help. Help from being knocked out in a dentist's chair, to silencing every little noise in your home.

I haven't talked with you much, but know that we are here to help you in whatever way possible.

I am unable to make suggestions on what to do. I hope that you find what you are looking for.
 
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