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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Please read THIS THREAD about a rebrand for SF.
Probably
- Thread starter itmahanh
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I have nothing left to hang on or fight with. And it isnt bad enough that I"m where I am but having the old game played again. I'm so fucking stupid. I just want to close my eyes and never open them again. I dont even remember any of it last night. I know I was talking to a friend on the phone. That's it. I thought I talked to her when I had taken just my normal meds. Thought I started shoveling them in after we hung up. I DONT KNOW!!!!! I dont care. You are right my kids need their mom. I'm not her.
The hell you aren't YOU are so their mother and you cannot be replaced in their hearts do you understand you will always be their mother so don't even say that I know you are hurting dam it so deep but you have to pull yourself up okay get past the dam pain and get angry get so angry and you fight C you fight.
*Look this is what I have been up against since Tuesday last week. Tuesday had 18 teeth pulled in a 2 hour surgery then dentures slapped in there before I came to. I had to pay $2600 the day of the surgery or they dont do it. Wednesday no therapist session. Thursday find out my little one is being abused by his foster parents. Saturday my 15 year old is arrested and charged with sexual harrassment by his girlfriend. Monday back to the dentist to have my upper jaw frozen to try and remove the dentures that are too tight. I owe him almost $1000 for all the pre and post op things he has done and for the dentures. Tuesday get to see my little one for about 10 whole minutes while I take him to an ear, nose and throat specialist then turn him over to CFS once again and watch him cry while they drive away. Now I'm in the heart of downtown alone and the anxiety and panic is taking over completely. Pass out Tuesday night at home, wake up in the hospital Wednesday morning. No therapist again on Wednesday and then Thursday a meeting with cfs about my 15 year old ( he is in their care because he was living with my ex, he didnt want to live in the country any longer with me and his father was finally caught physically abusing him) and how to prepare for the hearing. Now to finish it all off coming home lost control of my truck on the ice covered highway and take the ditch. Throughout it all intense pain from my gums and new teeth. Havent had solid food since Monday before the surgery. Now today my back and neck hurt from the accident. Bruising up pretty bad on my arm and leg that slammed into the door of my truck.
Gonna have to come up with $245 for the tow. Dont know if there was any damage to my truck havent had a chance to look her over yet. Probably about $200 for the ambulance. I have no income. NONE. What I was living off of was the child benefit tax of $249 a month. But cfs has taken it because my little one is in their care. Care that's a joke. He's being abused. But he was taken away because I'm battling suicidal thoughts. I would never harm any of my children. Their father did that enough. I would never attempt and leave my child in any harm. All my attempts have been when my children where save somewhere else.
There that's a bout a week in my life. Through it all hoping for a call that I am stupid enough to believe is going to happen. It's always that crazy. Now tell me again why I have no right to suicide. Everything is a wreck including my head filled with thoughts of killing myself to stop all the commotion and confuse and pain. Tell me how to fix any of this. I cant I've been trying for years. I'm tired, worn out physically and emotionally done. I just want death and th peace I'll receive. Please just a frickin hug. A hug that tells me I'm not the horrible mom and person I believe I am. That tells me there is something besides suicide. I wait and wait but it never comes. So I say I dont want to die but I need to. I've set the date and everything is ready. It will happen because there is nothing I can change. There is no hug at the end of a hard day or week.
I wish I could get angry. But I'm too afraid to show anger. I was badly abused emotionally and physically in my past. So now I just keep the anger tucked inside. I self harm as my way of letting anger out. But I cant show anger. The odd time I have, it has always been thrown back in my face or turned against me or even used against me. Too scared to do it sorry.
I'm sorry this is long, but others want to know why I'm isolating and not being very supportive and caring of others. I am truly sorry to let others down. I never do that. I'm not in anyway trying to say my problems are worse or greater than anyone elses. Just wanted to share what I'm battling each day. And then others give me shit saying that I'm not trying to get better. But it's all so much. Honest to God, it's hard enough just to make it from morning to night each day. Take a week like this, which for the last 10 years (honestly)is what I'm battling. Where do I find time to work on problem solving for my mental health issues? Where do I find the time to take some for me? I hate me. I'm not a good friend, Mom or person.
Gonna have to come up with $245 for the tow. Dont know if there was any damage to my truck havent had a chance to look her over yet. Probably about $200 for the ambulance. I have no income. NONE. What I was living off of was the child benefit tax of $249 a month. But cfs has taken it because my little one is in their care. Care that's a joke. He's being abused. But he was taken away because I'm battling suicidal thoughts. I would never harm any of my children. Their father did that enough. I would never attempt and leave my child in any harm. All my attempts have been when my children where save somewhere else.
There that's a bout a week in my life. Through it all hoping for a call that I am stupid enough to believe is going to happen. It's always that crazy. Now tell me again why I have no right to suicide. Everything is a wreck including my head filled with thoughts of killing myself to stop all the commotion and confuse and pain. Tell me how to fix any of this. I cant I've been trying for years. I'm tired, worn out physically and emotionally done. I just want death and th peace I'll receive. Please just a frickin hug. A hug that tells me I'm not the horrible mom and person I believe I am. That tells me there is something besides suicide. I wait and wait but it never comes. So I say I dont want to die but I need to. I've set the date and everything is ready. It will happen because there is nothing I can change. There is no hug at the end of a hard day or week.
I wish I could get angry. But I'm too afraid to show anger. I was badly abused emotionally and physically in my past. So now I just keep the anger tucked inside. I self harm as my way of letting anger out. But I cant show anger. The odd time I have, it has always been thrown back in my face or turned against me or even used against me. Too scared to do it sorry.
I'm sorry this is long, but others want to know why I'm isolating and not being very supportive and caring of others. I am truly sorry to let others down. I never do that. I'm not in anyway trying to say my problems are worse or greater than anyone elses. Just wanted to share what I'm battling each day. And then others give me shit saying that I'm not trying to get better. But it's all so much. Honest to God, it's hard enough just to make it from morning to night each day. Take a week like this, which for the last 10 years (honestly)is what I'm battling. Where do I find time to work on problem solving for my mental health issues? Where do I find the time to take some for me? I hate me. I'm not a good friend, Mom or person.
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fluff i do understand C i do but dam it all the more proof you need to stay to take care of your kids they are not being looked after and you have to get them the care they need. Your mouth will heal in time and they can't get blood from a stone can they If you do not have the money you don't they will just have to wait Just look after you now okay sleep if need be call hospital if need be but look after you. i know you fffff tired of it all i do get that but there is no out for us okay not when we have kids hugs
Wow, I never realized how bad things had become Carla. I'm so sorry that life is so difficult for you and your children right now hon. I wish I could give you a real hug, but Canada is such a big country, so a virtual hug is all I can do. Please don't give up Carla. Take time and allow yourself to heal. :hug: :cheekkiss:
Anxiety is so bad. Trying so hard to fight the thoughts. Not going to anymore. FIght them for what? Still alone. Cant get it out of my head what some think of me even though they have no reason or cause to. I feel like such a failure with everything. It's like i need to prove I dont fuck up everything. I can do this. Let me prove I dont screw up every time.
What is the use of hanging on everyday? Trying to keep myself too busy throughout the day so that I can manage battling the thoughts and urges. So that I can sit and face the loneliness every night and struggle even harder against the thoughts and urges? I breathe because my body doesnt know better. That's all I am. Empty. Already dead on so many levels. Hold on because that's what everyone wants me to do? Please it's time to let go. Time for me to finish what has been a long time of pain and hurt and abuse. Time for me to tell my body it's okay to stop breathing now. It is so the time.
I hope others understand..... when I post here, it's not me anymore. It's the urge to suicide and the constant thoughts of dying as a way to find some much needed peace. I cant think for my own sake to stay safe. People might be confused because I'll post here saying I want to die then respond to someone elses post. Replying acts as a distraction of sorts. I have to stop and think really hard to get a reply out so it stops the thoughts for those few moments. I am chronically suicidal. It is a horrible way to try and live each day. I fight for every moment of non-suicidal time I can find. I'm sorry that I post and it wastes others time and efforts. Please understand that I know I have many people here that care, but when I'm suicidal I'm not really able to understand that. I think personally I post because I am so afraid of being alone in life and in posting if I attempt, I feel like I wont be alone when I die.
Bunch of rambling. Dont know what I'm trying to say. Just sorry.
Bunch of rambling. Dont know what I'm trying to say. Just sorry.
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