Despite the guidelines, I'm not sure if this forum is now about all family, friends and relationships or just LGBT (given that there is now a separate forum for the community). I happen to be gay, but that's really quite irrelevant. This could apply to any relationship...
Wow. That was a hellish weekend. And perfectly of my own making. My unacceptable behaviour hurt the person I love the most. Again. They didn't shout or scream. We didn't fight. We talked for hours, throughout which he was more calm and reasonable than anyone should be under the circumstances. And we are fine. Maybe even stronger. I don't get him. I shouldn't knock it, but I can't help thinking that anyone in their right mind would have / should have left a long time ago. Part of me says I mustn't overanalyse, the other part thinks it's healthy not to take such support for granted or be complacent - that's when you put relationships at risk.
He keeps telling me it's because he loves me, but Christ knows I've pushed him to the limits often enough. I bring him a great deal too, I recognise that. But my mental health and occasional behaviour put a tremendous strain on things. And I can't always blame my behaviour on being ill. Sometimes, I'm just a bad person. He deserves so much better. Does he just stay with me out of moral obligation? Is he trapped? I love him so much that all I ever want is for him to be happy, even if that means not being with me. But then I looked at it from another, far more selfish perspective...
I'd had a few drinks and expressed these thoughts. I asked - begged - him to leave so that I could take my life without a conscience. That's cold, hard, cruel and indescribably self-centred. I know that. What a position to put anyone in! But I'm desperate. So utterly tired and so very, very desperate. He won't. He's not going anywhere. And as much as I try to understand him, everything he did and said suggests it is love. True, genuine and very powerful love. I don't deserve it, but I should have enough respect to stop questioning or challenging it and accept that I am incredibly fortunate.
And so I let him read the latest psychiatrist assessment and told him everything. I try to be as honest and open about my mental health as I can be - he doesn't judge and he doesn't freak out, but I still try to protect him from the worst of it. But now he knows how serious it really is.
He has always known about my mental health; I warned him within the first week of us meeting and gave him an escape route! Eleven years later (six married) and we're still going strong. There have been ups and downs - 2013 gave him more insight than he ever imagined. And now we're in much the same place again, so it's tough.
He knew about the self harm too - he's even bandaged my wounds. And while that seems to have got worse as I get older, I went to him on Sunday morning for the first time ever, to ask for help in not doing it again. It worked. I haven't.
He knows about the excess drinking. I'm not an alcoholic by any stretch. I drink to relax or numb the pain but in recent months I've been drinking - even if just a little - every day. My mood can then go either way and lately it ends badly, so common sense dictates it's just downright stupid. So together we have agreed to only consume alcohol socially (rather than when I'm alone) and no more than one day a week, if not less. It'll also help shift a few pounds!
He didn't know that in some vain attempt to feel better, I tried cocaine for the first time ever a few months ago. I've never even smoked a cigarette let alone tried drugs. I know the dangers. But if it made me feel euphoric rather than blacker than black on the inside, I figured it was worth a shot. Like I say - I'm desperate. If anyone cares: I wouldn't recommend it. Sniffing anything up the nose is pretty nasty, it tastes like chemical soil and it did sod all. I'm kinda glad of that; the last thing I needed was a drug habit on top of all this shit! Besides, even if it did work, it's just papering over the cracks.
He didn't know that in November I'd gone to the effort of establishing a Bitcoin account to buy resources online, with a view to ending it all. That was far more hassle than you'd think - it's not exactly Paypal! So I was clearly very determined. Were it not for the fact that it was a dodgy website that screwed me over and kept my money, I could be dead by now. I guess everything happens for a reason.
He didn't know I had plans. Loose ones, but plans none the less. February, when the weather is coldest. I won't go into detail because it'll get moderated. Suffice to say the temperature was relevant. I knew where and how, just not precisely when. Would I have gone through with it? I honestly don't know but I haven't started planning like that since my late teens. It really is at crisis point.
I'm sure some of these revelations didn't come as a surprise, but they do worry him, understandably so. We worked it out and he can recall an incident back in September, which highlighted that I was going downhill again. So it's now been at least four months. four months of the greatest risk to your personal safety being your own hand. How much longer can I endure this? It doesn't sound long, but let's clarify that - the suicidal ideation is ALWAYS there and has been for decades. This is just when it gets to the point where I'm more likely to act upon it.
And the longer it goes on, the more self-destructive my behaviours are. Reckless escapism. While once upon a time a games console or good book was all the break I needed, I've been stepping it up. Driving too fast, hang gliding with a dislocated shoulder, recreational drugs, excessive drinking, disrespecting our relationship. It's all sabotage. Partly because I don't care if I come to any harm - I even invite it. Partly to escape or feel better. But most of it is risky. And stupid. I do know that.
Anyway, his philosophy is that circumstances dictate our marriage is (and I quote) "upgraded from the Gold standard to Platinum, with all the additional love, support and interventions that requires. Three month trial, 14 day money back guarantee and option to extend in three month blocks as necessary, until such time as you're better." Can't really ask for more than that can I?!
Wow. That was a hellish weekend. And perfectly of my own making. My unacceptable behaviour hurt the person I love the most. Again. They didn't shout or scream. We didn't fight. We talked for hours, throughout which he was more calm and reasonable than anyone should be under the circumstances. And we are fine. Maybe even stronger. I don't get him. I shouldn't knock it, but I can't help thinking that anyone in their right mind would have / should have left a long time ago. Part of me says I mustn't overanalyse, the other part thinks it's healthy not to take such support for granted or be complacent - that's when you put relationships at risk.
He keeps telling me it's because he loves me, but Christ knows I've pushed him to the limits often enough. I bring him a great deal too, I recognise that. But my mental health and occasional behaviour put a tremendous strain on things. And I can't always blame my behaviour on being ill. Sometimes, I'm just a bad person. He deserves so much better. Does he just stay with me out of moral obligation? Is he trapped? I love him so much that all I ever want is for him to be happy, even if that means not being with me. But then I looked at it from another, far more selfish perspective...
I'd had a few drinks and expressed these thoughts. I asked - begged - him to leave so that I could take my life without a conscience. That's cold, hard, cruel and indescribably self-centred. I know that. What a position to put anyone in! But I'm desperate. So utterly tired and so very, very desperate. He won't. He's not going anywhere. And as much as I try to understand him, everything he did and said suggests it is love. True, genuine and very powerful love. I don't deserve it, but I should have enough respect to stop questioning or challenging it and accept that I am incredibly fortunate.
And so I let him read the latest psychiatrist assessment and told him everything. I try to be as honest and open about my mental health as I can be - he doesn't judge and he doesn't freak out, but I still try to protect him from the worst of it. But now he knows how serious it really is.
He has always known about my mental health; I warned him within the first week of us meeting and gave him an escape route! Eleven years later (six married) and we're still going strong. There have been ups and downs - 2013 gave him more insight than he ever imagined. And now we're in much the same place again, so it's tough.
He knew about the self harm too - he's even bandaged my wounds. And while that seems to have got worse as I get older, I went to him on Sunday morning for the first time ever, to ask for help in not doing it again. It worked. I haven't.
He knows about the excess drinking. I'm not an alcoholic by any stretch. I drink to relax or numb the pain but in recent months I've been drinking - even if just a little - every day. My mood can then go either way and lately it ends badly, so common sense dictates it's just downright stupid. So together we have agreed to only consume alcohol socially (rather than when I'm alone) and no more than one day a week, if not less. It'll also help shift a few pounds!
He didn't know that in some vain attempt to feel better, I tried cocaine for the first time ever a few months ago. I've never even smoked a cigarette let alone tried drugs. I know the dangers. But if it made me feel euphoric rather than blacker than black on the inside, I figured it was worth a shot. Like I say - I'm desperate. If anyone cares: I wouldn't recommend it. Sniffing anything up the nose is pretty nasty, it tastes like chemical soil and it did sod all. I'm kinda glad of that; the last thing I needed was a drug habit on top of all this shit! Besides, even if it did work, it's just papering over the cracks.
He didn't know that in November I'd gone to the effort of establishing a Bitcoin account to buy resources online, with a view to ending it all. That was far more hassle than you'd think - it's not exactly Paypal! So I was clearly very determined. Were it not for the fact that it was a dodgy website that screwed me over and kept my money, I could be dead by now. I guess everything happens for a reason.
He didn't know I had plans. Loose ones, but plans none the less. February, when the weather is coldest. I won't go into detail because it'll get moderated. Suffice to say the temperature was relevant. I knew where and how, just not precisely when. Would I have gone through with it? I honestly don't know but I haven't started planning like that since my late teens. It really is at crisis point.
I'm sure some of these revelations didn't come as a surprise, but they do worry him, understandably so. We worked it out and he can recall an incident back in September, which highlighted that I was going downhill again. So it's now been at least four months. four months of the greatest risk to your personal safety being your own hand. How much longer can I endure this? It doesn't sound long, but let's clarify that - the suicidal ideation is ALWAYS there and has been for decades. This is just when it gets to the point where I'm more likely to act upon it.
And the longer it goes on, the more self-destructive my behaviours are. Reckless escapism. While once upon a time a games console or good book was all the break I needed, I've been stepping it up. Driving too fast, hang gliding with a dislocated shoulder, recreational drugs, excessive drinking, disrespecting our relationship. It's all sabotage. Partly because I don't care if I come to any harm - I even invite it. Partly to escape or feel better. But most of it is risky. And stupid. I do know that.
Anyway, his philosophy is that circumstances dictate our marriage is (and I quote) "upgraded from the Gold standard to Platinum, with all the additional love, support and interventions that requires. Three month trial, 14 day money back guarantee and option to extend in three month blocks as necessary, until such time as you're better." Can't really ask for more than that can I?!
