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Pushing away those that love you

Battlecry

Mad as a sack of ferrets!
#1
Despite the guidelines, I'm not sure if this forum is now about all family, friends and relationships or just LGBT (given that there is now a separate forum for the community). I happen to be gay, but that's really quite irrelevant. This could apply to any relationship...

Wow. That was a hellish weekend. And perfectly of my own making. My unacceptable behaviour hurt the person I love the most. Again. They didn't shout or scream. We didn't fight. We talked for hours, throughout which he was more calm and reasonable than anyone should be under the circumstances. And we are fine. Maybe even stronger. I don't get him. I shouldn't knock it, but I can't help thinking that anyone in their right mind would have / should have left a long time ago. Part of me says I mustn't overanalyse, the other part thinks it's healthy not to take such support for granted or be complacent - that's when you put relationships at risk.

He keeps telling me it's because he loves me, but Christ knows I've pushed him to the limits often enough. I bring him a great deal too, I recognise that. But my mental health and occasional behaviour put a tremendous strain on things. And I can't always blame my behaviour on being ill. Sometimes, I'm just a bad person. He deserves so much better. Does he just stay with me out of moral obligation? Is he trapped? I love him so much that all I ever want is for him to be happy, even if that means not being with me. But then I looked at it from another, far more selfish perspective...

I'd had a few drinks and expressed these thoughts. I asked - begged - him to leave so that I could take my life without a conscience. That's cold, hard, cruel and indescribably self-centred. I know that. What a position to put anyone in! But I'm desperate. So utterly tired and so very, very desperate. He won't. He's not going anywhere. And as much as I try to understand him, everything he did and said suggests it is love. True, genuine and very powerful love. I don't deserve it, but I should have enough respect to stop questioning or challenging it and accept that I am incredibly fortunate.

And so I let him read the latest psychiatrist assessment and told him everything. I try to be as honest and open about my mental health as I can be - he doesn't judge and he doesn't freak out, but I still try to protect him from the worst of it. But now he knows how serious it really is.

He has always known about my mental health; I warned him within the first week of us meeting and gave him an escape route! Eleven years later (six married) and we're still going strong. There have been ups and downs - 2013 gave him more insight than he ever imagined. And now we're in much the same place again, so it's tough.

He knew about the self harm too - he's even bandaged my wounds. And while that seems to have got worse as I get older, I went to him on Sunday morning for the first time ever, to ask for help in not doing it again. It worked. I haven't.

He knows about the excess drinking. I'm not an alcoholic by any stretch. I drink to relax or numb the pain but in recent months I've been drinking - even if just a little - every day. My mood can then go either way and lately it ends badly, so common sense dictates it's just downright stupid. So together we have agreed to only consume alcohol socially (rather than when I'm alone) and no more than one day a week, if not less. It'll also help shift a few pounds!

He didn't know that in some vain attempt to feel better, I tried cocaine for the first time ever a few months ago. I've never even smoked a cigarette let alone tried drugs. I know the dangers. But if it made me feel euphoric rather than blacker than black on the inside, I figured it was worth a shot. Like I say - I'm desperate. If anyone cares: I wouldn't recommend it. Sniffing anything up the nose is pretty nasty, it tastes like chemical soil and it did sod all. I'm kinda glad of that; the last thing I needed was a drug habit on top of all this shit! Besides, even if it did work, it's just papering over the cracks.

He didn't know that in November I'd gone to the effort of establishing a Bitcoin account to buy resources online, with a view to ending it all. That was far more hassle than you'd think - it's not exactly Paypal! So I was clearly very determined. Were it not for the fact that it was a dodgy website that screwed me over and kept my money, I could be dead by now. I guess everything happens for a reason.

He didn't know I had plans. Loose ones, but plans none the less. February, when the weather is coldest. I won't go into detail because it'll get moderated. Suffice to say the temperature was relevant. I knew where and how, just not precisely when. Would I have gone through with it? I honestly don't know but I haven't started planning like that since my late teens. It really is at crisis point.

I'm sure some of these revelations didn't come as a surprise, but they do worry him, understandably so. We worked it out and he can recall an incident back in September, which highlighted that I was going downhill again. So it's now been at least four months. four months of the greatest risk to your personal safety being your own hand. How much longer can I endure this? It doesn't sound long, but let's clarify that - the suicidal ideation is ALWAYS there and has been for decades. This is just when it gets to the point where I'm more likely to act upon it.

And the longer it goes on, the more self-destructive my behaviours are. Reckless escapism. While once upon a time a games console or good book was all the break I needed, I've been stepping it up. Driving too fast, hang gliding with a dislocated shoulder, recreational drugs, excessive drinking, disrespecting our relationship. It's all sabotage. Partly because I don't care if I come to any harm - I even invite it. Partly to escape or feel better. But most of it is risky. And stupid. I do know that.

Anyway, his philosophy is that circumstances dictate our marriage is (and I quote) "upgraded from the Gold standard to Platinum, with all the additional love, support and interventions that requires. Three month trial, 14 day money back guarantee and option to extend in three month blocks as necessary, until such time as you're better." Can't really ask for more than that can I?!
 

QuantumLeap

Firing with all synapses!!
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#2
Anyway, his philosophy is that circumstances dictate our marriage is (and I quote) "upgraded from the Gold standard to Platinum, with all the additional love, support and interventions that requires. Three month trial, 14 day money back guarantee and option to extend in three month blocks as necessary, until such time as you're better." Can't really ask for more than that can I?!
Woah! :o that's some pretty damn special relationship you have there... :)
 
#3
He wants to be there because he loves you, and that's nothing for you to feel guilty about. You have an illness that you fight with every day, what he has to go through as a result of being with you will never really come close to what you have to deal with. I'm certainly not trying to say that it's not hard on him, as it would be, but on balance he's getting more out of the relationship than he's losing to your illness, so don't be hard on yourself about the impact you're having on him, use his love to try and make you feel better about you, that someone values you so you should to.

Take care
 

Battlecry

Mad as a sack of ferrets!
#4
He wants to be there because he loves you, and that's nothing for you to feel guilty about. You have an illness that you fight with every day, what he has to go through as a result of being with you will never really come close to what you have to deal with. I'm certainly not trying to say that it's not hard on him, as it would be, but on balance he's getting more out of the relationship than he's losing to your illness, so don't be hard on yourself about the impact you're having on him, use his love to try and make you feel better about you, that someone values you so you should to.

Take care
Thank you. You know when you kinda know something but when someone else says it it's suddenly true?! It is so difficult for any relationship, but I think we owe it to those we love and that love us in return to be strong and fight the motherf**ker that is MH. Forgive the language, but seriously - am I not right, lol?!
 
#5
No need to forgive any language @Battlecry , just shows your passion and willingness to fight for what you love, no matter how hard it is.

It's nice to have someone to fight for but remember you do also owe it to yourself, you have a right to be happy, that will be your loved ones reward, to see you happy.

Hang in there and don't beat yourself up too much, your illness is taking enough of a toll on you with you helping it out.
 
#6
He can clearly tell what an amazing person you are. Please believe me when i say this you are special!. I don't know you at all. We have never met yet the advice you have been giving me and the messages have shown me that someone cares and that is a big thing to someone that feels like a worthless ugly POS. Your hisband cleary sees you hurting and wants to be with you and help you. I k ow what you mean though, iv often wondered why my other half has stuck around with me being such in my words "freak".

Your also very intelligent, clearly shown in the way you express yourself and the way you word things which is also something to be proud of. If someone on a forum thats never met you can see your special then your husband must see an even bigger angel x
 

dugga

Well-Known Member
#7
Wow... I'd give everything to have a partner like yours. Every time I lose the plot, which is more and more regularly, I get threatened with the CAT (crisis assessment team) who are well known for just calling in the police which in my country usually ends in death by rapid lead poisoning. Seriously man - he's a keeper. Having an understanding and supportive partner is something we all dream of but like you said the monster of self-sabotage loves to derail the train. I think you owe it to him and yourself to keep fighting the good fight... don't let the mental health leech win.
 

Walker

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#8
hi Mark
Glad you're still wandering around, even if you're not answering my messages. No, I'm totally fucking with you. :cool: Don't feel compelled.
Hey so you're the "you" in your relationship but you're the "wife" in mine. You sound like you've got a lot of the traits of how she is with me. You have the insecurity of him staying out of pure unconditional love and can't understand it. You have unresolved MH issues that aren't getting taken care of over decades of time. You drink; she smokes pot every day. You think he "deserves better" than you and can't understand why he's sticking around and wasting time with you. Fact is, this guy loves you and is standing by you because you guys are a team and you can overcome all this crap. It's been 11 years! Don't you think you owe it to him to stick around and work things out WITH him instead of AGAINST him? You've got to have *some* will to live if you've got a great guy like this, right? (I do realize that only goes but so far but he sounds pretty cool)
What else is going on that makes you so terribly suicidal? If it's not the man, then what is it for you, Mark? Innately suicidal ideation that comes from inside for "no apparent reason" really really needs meds more than anything. So tell us a story, eh.
 

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