something maybe relatable....on being "fake"

[Tana]

Some days are better than others...but when I say better, I mostly just mean "you're" numb or distracted....sometimes actually "fine", as you'd say after any casual "how are you" questions would pop up...but you've forgotten what being "happy" feels like, and you can't even recall if you ever were...what does it mean to be happy anyway? You don't know...but you try to act in a way you think happy people do...and maybe they even find you fun or funny...your "friends", but would they still be around if you weren't fun anymore? Most people would say "yeah, true friends would bla bla", but I'm pretty sure people usually take care of themselves first, and being around someone who has a "bad vibe", is depressed or whatever and you know they are, is "killing it"....but you're still too scared to be completely isolated, so even if you know your friends aren't really your friends, and it's all an act, a pathetic cling to something entirely fake, you keep in contact when you can, because the opposite is scary ...plus...you enjoy their company at times...the debates, maybe some fun moments... It's better than nothing.

Idk...I know some of you...maybe a lot of you would rather be alone then that, but felt like sharing anyway...even as a kid, I even prefered to be in bad company, then not have anyone to hang with, since it's not just about not being lonely, there's some weird sense of security that comes from it...at least the way I saw it...I wish I could have a real friend irl to confide in though... :/ But then again, I'd be too awkward with it anyway...

Meh...random. But if you can relate and/or plain want to talk about it...sure. Share your thoughts/experiences below.


..btw, it really kind of "hurts" sometimes though, lol...to have to fake it, and you/I still have this strange feeling/idea I'm giving myself away somehow, and my pal had a bad time because of it (a feeling of literally sucking out energy, and appearing tired when you're trying not to and such? did anyone have this feeling before?), just the pal is too nice/polite to mention it, and is letting it slip "this time"....idk. like I said once though, maybe, probably my imagination...unsure.

 

[may71]

I wonder if even some of your friends feel the exact same way, but no one ever says anything

 

[Tana]

I wonder if even some of your friends feel the exact same way, but no one ever says anything

I doubt it...life turned up really great for them....unlike me...I'm somewhat envious at times to be honest....even get moments when I'm hateful because someone got something I've always wanted or thought I should have, and they randomly got it by "luck" and better conditions (help of others) not hard work (published a story trough bf who's rich and has own companies...)...that's the worst though, that feeling of being spiteful and hating someone you hang out with (who you've called your - and thought he was once - best friend, even), even if momentarily....I just don't think it's "fair" sometimes....what did I do to deserve this anyway? Meh...

It's late and I'm rambling...one thought leads to another....and none is pretty. Just can get petty and really pathetic from my part.

 

[may71]

I guess it's unfair that people get things through the connections that they have, but connections seem to be important for getting a lot of things. No one really just gets born in the wilderness, or raised by wolves or something, and then comes out and has some great success. Pretty much anything someone achieves, they got that because of all of things other did to help, or didn't do that would have gotten in the way.

Your friend's story probably didn't have zero merit, just not any more merit than the 10,000 other stories that got rejected.

 

[Tana]

It got published and even got an audiobook because his bf did that...even though the story seemed exactly like some old popular story just with different animals...plus, he also got an english native editor to make it sound good, since he can't even type in english well..not just saying that because I'm jealous lol...

You know...there was a time where I really loved him (non-romanticly...) and was 100% sure I'd do anything for him...share all the money in the world, help him bury the body even...no joke...back then he was a normal cook though, and didn't have much to offer either...

I guess I feel betrayed? Since I knew I'd do so much, and he doesn't even lend me an opportunity for a job he knows I'd love and do well...why? I know he doesn't owe me anything and maybe had no idea even but...idk...yeah, I actually feel bad about gaining nothing while he has everything since I'd give him everything back then...does that make sense?

Obviously it's not reasnoble, but it's just how I felt and feel...i really hate myself for those moments I was hateful and not thinking he "deserved it", and wish I could help it, but I can't control how I feel a lot of the time.

 

[Tana]

I guess it's unfair that people get things through the connections that they have, but connections seem to be important for getting a lot of things. No one really just gets born in the wilderness, or raised by wolves or something, and then comes out and has some great success. Pretty much anything someone achieves, they got that because of all of things other did to help, or didn't do that would have gotten in the way.

Your friend's story probably didn't have zero merit, just not any more merit than the 10,000 other stories that got rejected.

^ forgot to quote...

 

[may71]

maybe had no idea even but.

It could be that you've got a dynamite connection. Maybe your friend could help you, and you'd also be able to put all of the resentment that you feel behind you.

 

[Tana]

I just wish I had a real friend...

or I wish he'd turn out a real friend...or maybe I'm just using my own ideas of what a "real friend" is, so it doesn't matter, since people have a different opinion on it...maybe I don't deserve a real friend...heck...what am I saying? I can't even have one since I'm too uncomfortable with personal talk..and freeze/avoid it like the plague...and without that, you probably can't make a real connection with anyone...which sucks...but then again, what if you'd admit something and they'd reject you, or think badly of it, abandon, or even then tell other people about it without your consent? Ideally, you'd form a new bond but so much could go wrong...save it for a gf/bf I guess...they have them too...so I guess that's where people get support from and make emotional bonds...I don't have that though....another point here though is that people tell EVERYTHING to their gf/bf so you can't even trust your friend who's in a relationship to keep something quiet...i mean...he loosly knew i had social anxiety and when i meet his bf, the bf randomly mentioned it...wtf??! I've never told him a secret since.

Sorry, I'm just gonna go back to *try to sleep*, lol..random ranting, whinnying done with...

 

[mfor]

It can be normal to resent your friends when you feel like you're down the drain. You often end up thinking 'why not me, what am I lacking?' You also feel like you're getting 'left behind' and have 'no place with them', and that increases your resentment further.

You may try one thing. Imagine cutting yourself off from them for days, maybe even try it. Would you, at any point, end up missing them? That means that, even outside your depression, they do matter to her. Not just an 'I'm alone' mindset, but that you miss them, those people.
As for friends sticking around even after you've hit rock bottom, they do exist. It takes life-shattering circumstances to find out, and you honestly don't want to ever find out if you really have them or not, but they do exist. If you place some more trust in the ones around you and the care they have for you, that can help you keep a better hold on your mind.

 

[Tana]

It can be normal to resent your friends when you feel like you're down the drain. You often end up thinking 'why not me, what am I lacking?' You also feel like you're getting 'left behind' and have 'no place with them', and that increases your resentment further.

You may try one thing. Imagine cutting yourself off from them for days, maybe even try it. Would you, at any point, end up missing them? That means that, even outside your depression, they do matter to her. Not just an 'I'm alone' mindset, but that you miss them, those people.
As for friends sticking around even after you've hit rock bottom, they do exist. It takes life-shattering circumstances to find out, and you honestly don't want to ever find out if you really have them or not, but they do exist. If you place some more trust in the ones around you and the care they have for you, that can help you keep a better hold on your mind.

Yeah...many thoughts pop up, and I don't think I actually wish they didn't have what they got, I just wish I didn't get the short end of the stick...I don't really want everyone to be miserable, just wish I wasn't either, and we could all be happy...thanks for understanding where I'm coming from. I know it still sounds petty to feel/think this way.

I don't go out much...I hang out with one of them maybe once a month, or in two...I can enjoy my friend's company, and want to see them at times...since I ask if one of them wants to hang out usually, though, it seems like I really am getting left behind (i usually initiate)...they have their own lives, and maybe I don't even fit into it anymore...I mean, they probably know a lot of better/funner people by now and I have nothing more to offer, or even much more to say....at times, I'm pretty sure that when anyone hangs out with me, it's because they feel a weird sense of obligation, and just can't wait till I leave, usually...so they can do their thing. But then, it's not only stupid of me to keep hanging out, but selfish as well. But again, I'm not 100% that's the case. It's not like I asked...I don't know...it's a small town...and if I told one of them about my issues they'll tell it to their gf/bf, because "of course" they will...maybe even gossip about it, which bothers me to think about...anyway, thanks again for your response. But I don't think I'm even close enough for anyone to care, or not take it lightly.

 

[mfor]

A part of you thinks its wrong that they're ok and not you, and you regret that. You feel like a terrible friend because of those thoughts and it drags you further down.

Hmm. This is a risky gambit, and may have... detrimental effects. But stop trying. Don't initiate for a while, and let them come to you instead. The way you're putting it, you, it feels like you, yourself, are seeking their company out of obligation in a way. So stop doing it. May help get your own thoughts in order as well. However, depending on the results, it may also just isolate you further, which is why I've called it a risky gambit. But try to clear yourself from that, and figure what you truly want regarding your friends, and whether it is possible. Otherwise, that 'letting go' may also help you make new friends, as you may be forcing yourself to cling to the ones you currently have.

 

[Tana]

A part of you thinks its wrong that they're ok and not you, and you regret that. You feel like a terrible friend because of those thoughts and it drags you further down.

Hmm. This is a risky gambit, and may have... detrimental effects. But stop trying. Don't initiate for a while, and let them come to you instead. The way you're putting it, you, it feels like you, yourself, are seeking their company out of obligation in a way. So stop doing it. May help get your own thoughts in order as well. However, depending on the results, it may also just isolate you further, which is why I've called it a risky gambit. But try to clear yourself from that, and figure what you truly want regarding your friends, and whether it is possible. Otherwise, that 'letting go' may also help you make new friends, as you may be forcing yourself to cling to the ones you currently have.

I can't make new friends that easily, the people I hang out with I've known from at least 10 years back...
I'm not feeling secure with being isolated...at all...I only go out once a month or in 2, then It'd go to 0, and I'd be stuck in my house forever...but I mean...yeah, if they're just hanging out with me since they "have to", they shouldn't, so...I'll do that...that full realisation though, I mean...I don't think I'll be able to bear I was right. But it's the reasonable thing to do.

 

[Anonymous ID]

Sometimes something is harder for one person to achieve than another. You have to remember you are gunna feel much better at the end of the day knowing you had to do things the hard way. Doing things the hard way builds character and your gunna be a better person for it. Don't hate your friends because they had it easy, instead pity them that they did not have the opportunity to grow as a human being

 

[mfor]

Is it reasonable? Is it wise? Maybe you're trying to keep something that's already died alive. Or maybe you're just trying to rekindle a fire. Both options are the case. That is why I called it a risky gambit. However, you should not do it because 'you're a burden on them'. If that is the reason, don't. My suggestion was for you to look inwards, and not to cut yourself off out of self-loathing. To stop trying, because you may be wrong. However, it may also turn out that you were right all along. And you're too afraid of that situation, so you force yourself into the mindset that 'this is the situation', so that you don't feel so... unprepared if it turns out to be the case.

 

[Tana]

Is it reasonable? Is it wise? Maybe you're trying to keep something that's already died alive. Or maybe you're just trying to rekindle a fire. Both options are the case. That is why I called it a risky gambit. However, you should not do it because 'you're a burden on them'. If that is the reason, don't. My suggestion was for you to look inwards, and not to cut yourself off out of self-loathing. To stop trying, because you may be wrong. However, it may also turn out that you were right all along. And you're too afraid of that situation, so you force yourself into the mindset that 'this is the situation', so that you don't feel so... unprepared if it turns out to be the case.

I'm pretty sure it's the case, and it's a pain already...
But yeah, at least I'll be prepared for it...the hard-cold fact answer though, and what it'll lead to, I mean...my state is fragile enough as it is, I don't think I'll be able to bear it, maybe...probably...do you think it's okay if I do this after I'm a bit "better off"? I mean, made some sort of step forward, or maybe actually found someone new to hang out with? This isn't really fair on them if it's the case though...but, I don't know...I mean, it's not like they'd be affected greatly by it but it would really help me ...do you think that's fine? Seems shi**y though...obviously is...meh, I don't know...It's using people to your advantage.

 

[mfor]

I mean...my state is fragile enough as it is, I don't think I'll be able to bear it, maybe...probably...do you think it's okay if I do this after I'm a bit "better off"?

I am not your father, boss, teacher or whatever authority figure to tell you when it's ok to do such a thing. It was a suggestion that, as mentioned, is also a double-edged sword. It is your own decision if, for your own self, you decide to take it, if you want and feel ready for it, when you want and feel ready for it. However, I can tell you that the way you're looking at it is rather... unwise. My suggestion was to get your own feelings in order, and not to cut away from them because 'you're sure you're a burden on them'. Given one's state of mind, your perception of how people view you can be rather negatively skewed, and rushing such an action can have detrimental effects as well. So you shouldn't really trust that voice in your head that tells you how worthless you are, and how the others are better off without you. Rather, it's more sensible to think of what you have, and what you can do. Look at your hand, and, rather than thinking of what cards to discard, think of what cards to keep.

 

[Tana]

I am not your father, boss, teacher or whatever authority figure to tell you when it's ok to do such a thing. It was a suggestion that, as mentioned, is also a double-edged sword. It is your own decision if, for your own self, you decide to take it, if you want and feel ready for it, when you want and feel ready for it. However, I can tell you that the way you're looking at it is rather... unwise. My suggestion was to get your own feelings in order, and not to cut away from them because 'you're sure you're a burden on them'. Given one's state of mind, your perception of how people view you can be rather negatively skewed, and rushing such an action can have detrimental effects as well. So you shouldn't really trust that voice in your head that tells you how worthless you are, and how the others are better off without you. Rather, it's more sensible to think of what you have, and what you can do. Look at your hand, and, rather than thinking of what cards to discard, think of what cards to keep.

Yeah, I'll think about it later...I'm not really in the right mind right now.
I know you meant well, thanks.