Stuck between a rock and a hard place

[Matisse]

Hi everyone

first post and just feel like this is the only place I can be honest.

in short from a very complicated story, I was damaged medically and have recovered massively but now have reactions to all fragrances, glues, smoke which makes living extremely hard.
I’m mainly housebound as being around people is near impossible due to laundry, shampoos containing perfumes. It completely changed my world.

I have planned suicide before and tired a few times but always get scared, especially when I’m about to pass out. I’ve been close.

i sleep on a sofa for the past 2 years as react to the bedroom, my relationship with my partner has been destroyed by my health problems as he has to shower whenever he comes home, and change into safe clothes to help me. He loves me and supports me but I can’t ruin his life.

I have a chance at recovery if I can get into a safer environment and have been saving for my own house. But it feels impossible. I have a very up and down income as an artist but my other health problems means I can’t work to how I need to get more money and be independent.

I could move home but that would be hard. Even though my parents adopted a fragrance free life I react to coffee and that would constrain my dad.
I don’t see anyway out, any future.

it would be different if I had money to do the things I need but I don’t and I don’t want to beg or get my followers to feel pity for me.

<Mod edit - methods>

i just want to be honest and not feel like I’m putting others down, I can barely look after myself for. The stress. I have even tried convincing my body to die and shut down and pray so hard for me to die naturally as not to hurt my family.

obviously that’s living in a dream world but I try none the less.

it’s good to just be honest and talk about this, thanks for letting me talk.
T x

 

[Legate Lanius]

One theory states that even if you had your own house and more money you wouldn't be that much happier than you are now. The partner and having work that you enjoy (I'm guessing) are more stable factors when it comes to producing contentment but not enough to fight off depression in many cases. You simply get used to love and enjoyable work after a few months or years. Then you're back to whatever genes/mindfulness/stoicism/etc that you had beforehand.

Point being; perhaps you can put off at least the material wealth focus until you feel like you want to continue living. I'm also sure that your family and boyfriend would prefer to have you around even if they can't drink coffee around you. We often think we are a burden to loved ones whilst depressed, when we are actually not. Or we at least have some redeeming qualities that make people around us still want us around since the burden we put on them isn't that heavy. Regardless of whether we're a cumbersome burden or a light one in life, we turn into lead when we kill ourselves.

 

[Matisse]

Yes, I have thought about that.

I thought even if I do have the things I think I need it will still be the same predicament. Being depressed from all of this has completely altered my outlook, as it does.

I also suffer with PTSD which makes doing things extremely hard as I have flashbacks.
I’m proud of how far I’ve come and how far I’ve created my businesses.
Thanks so ,I have for listening and replying, means a lot! X

 

[MosesY]

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

[Matisse]

I am sorry you are going through this.

Thank you! Just nice to write things out and appreciate you reading x

 

[Lane]

Hi everyone

first post and just feel like this is the only place I can be honest.

in short from a very complicated story, I was damaged medically and have recovered massively but now have reactions to all fragrances, glues, smoke which makes living extremely hard.
I’m mainly housebound as being around people is near impossible due to laundry, shampoos containing perfumes. It completely changed my world.

I have planned suicide before and tired a few times but always get scared, especially when I’m about to pass out. I’ve been close.

i sleep on a sofa for the past 2 years as react to the bedroom, my relationship with my partner has been destroyed by my health problems as he has to shower whenever he comes home, and change into safe clothes to help me. He loves me and supports me but I can’t ruin his life.

I have a chance at recovery if I can get into a safer environment and have been saving for my own house. But it feels impossible. I have a very up and down income as an artist but my other health problems means I can’t work to how I need to get more money and be independent.

I could move home but that would be hard. Even though my parents adopted a fragrance free life I react to coffee and that would constrain my dad.
I don’t see anyway out, any future.

it would be different if I had money to do the things I need but I don’t and I don’t want to beg or get my followers to feel pity for me.

<Mod edit - methods>

i just want to be honest and not feel like I’m putting others down, I can barely look after myself for. The stress. I have even tried convincing my body to die and shut down and pray so hard for me to die naturally as not to hurt my family.

obviously that’s living in a dream world but I try none the less.

it’s good to just be honest and talk about this, thanks for letting me talk.
T x[/QUO

Hi @Matisse. Thank you for being honest and sharing your story. I'm sorry that you went through the medical damage. It makes me realize how much i take for granted. It must be difficult for you to deal with being so careful and such a life adjustment.

I know that there are others here dealing with chronic health issues as well as mental health issues. I hope you can use the SF forum as a resource to fight urges. Theres many good people here. I find the inner battle can be minute by minute on the harder days. I wish you some peace.

 

[Matisse]

Thank you so much for reading and your support! It means a lot!

I’ve tried to make the most of my life but it’s exhausting. I’m trying to focus on my art and my family and not on all the things I’ve lost. It’s been 5 years now since it happened and my whole world completely changed.

thanks again! Love to ya x

 

[MisterBGone]

I think you're living a life I could only dream of... To be able to create 'Art!' (for a living) is something that is truly inspiring, motivational & downright admirable on the highest level, or order, in my mind! You have something of a magical gift, in other words. . . This magical ability to craft & (to) create such beauty & works of wonder, almost as if out of the ether (or, "thin~air") is remarkable. And a talent to be treasured and adored (to those of us mortals, who can in no way shape or form, ever dream to be so gifted!).

 

[MisterBGone]

I love your profile picture / avatar!
And, in case you didn't know, there is a spot or section (subforum?) for members to share their artistic works if so desired. But I'll be darned if I know where it is?

 

[Lane]

Thank you so much for reading and your support! It means a lot!

I’ve tried to make the most of my life but it’s exhausting. I’m trying to focus on my art and my family and not on all the things I’ve lost. It’s been 5 years now since it happened and my whole world completely changed.

thanks again! Love to ya x

I can imagine, while I cant with the physical part. You can PM me anytime. I'm usually up early and back here after work. My children are grown so I have some time on my hands now. My friend told me the other day, "you're lucky you have your artwork to fall back on". Hes right, it's a gift no one can take away. Even though it's hard when you're not feeling well, physically or mentally. What kind of art do you like to do?

 

[Lane]

I love your profile picture / avatar!
And, in case you didn't know, there is a spot or section (subforum?) for members to share their artistic works if so desired. But I'll be darned if I know where it is?

I can help. It's under Member Contributions. Scroll down to bottom. Maybe someone can share the link or I will later if I can figure it out. 😁🤷‍♀️

 

[Matisse]

Thanks everyone! So super lovely and supportive!

Thank you Lane and MisterBgone!

I’ve been on this forum reading people’s messages and only just wrote my first post and I’m so glad I did as it feels good to actually be myself and not hide the bad stuff.

I’m a contemporary artist and have a lovely following on Instagram. I had a solo exhibition this year and have been in a lot of other exhibitions,
. I only started drawing last year as was able to again so showed my journey on Instagram

before that after university I graduated first in illustration and that’s one of my very old works. I work a lot differently now. It was exhibited at my university for a 20 years of illustration and was honoured to be asked.

Thanks so much again! X

 

[Lane]

Thanks everyone! So super lovely and supportive!

Thank you Lane and MisterBgone!

I’ve been on this forum reading people’s messages and only just wrote my first post and I’m so glad I did as it feels good to actually be myself and not hide the bad stuff.

I’m a contemporary artist and have a lovely following on Instagram. I had a solo exhibition this year and have been in a lot of other exhibitions,
. I only started drawing last year as was able to again so showed my journey on Instagram

before that after university I graduated first in illustration and that’s one of my very old works. I work a lot differently now. It was exhibited at my university for a 20 years of illustration and was honoured to be asked.

Thanks so much again! X

Beautiful work

 

[MisterBGone]

Thanks everyone! So super lovely and supportive!

Thank you Lane and MisterBgone!

I’ve been on this forum reading people’s messages and only just wrote my first post and I’m so glad I did as it feels good to actually be myself and not hide the bad stuff.

I’m a contemporary artist and have a lovely following on Instagram. I had a solo exhibition this year and have been in a lot of other exhibitions,
. I only started drawing last year as was able to again so showed my journey on Instagram

before that after university I graduated first in illustration and that’s one of my very old works. I work a lot differently now. It was exhibited at my university for a 20 years of illustration and was honoured to be asked.

Thanks so much again! X

That is so incredible, @Matisse!!! I can't believe that it was you, who created that great work (of art!). I, myself, am equal parts "baffled," & "astonished!" And what I mean by the baffling-bit, is just how it is that someone can actually do something like that... :^) So, baffled in a good way, if that sounds better - or makes more sense! And I'm so happy to hear of your Instagram success! (= That alone: in & of itself; would be more than plenty to keep me good and happy. . . ; ) but that you're a working artist is extraordinary--you know where I live, they used to have this "starving artist," thing (I don't know if they still do...) but I believe it was some kind of a benefit function, or thing, to help donate, or make donations to the cause. It's such a soul-nourishing thing, I think... Art- whenever I'm at our local University & I can remember to make it a point to go over there, I always walk around and am just in such awe of the talent. They even sometimes have special displays where like a whole room will be devoted to someone's (an artist's, rather) work. Keep up the amazing creations; I find them to be no-thing short of sensational! And I mean that...

 

[LOSTINSIGHT]

Hi matisse ,im in a very similar situation and timeline.
You don't have to say why yourself. I had a bad reaction coming off antidepressants and physicaly pushing myself ,the stress pushed my nervous system to a breaking point .I have issues with noise intolerance and the smell sensitivity, its impossible to live sometimes with it, a living nightmare.
My own relationship looks to be over .I bare deep guilt .there's a massive enersha pressure to live life and the pressure we have to endure is so unfair .I can't even watch another self-help talk .
Take good care .

 

[Matisse]

Beautiful work

Thanks so much! X

 

[Matisse]

That is so incredible, @Matisse!!! I can't believe that it was you, who created that great work (of art!). I, myself, am equal parts "baffled," & "astonished!" And what I mean by the baffling-bit, is just how it is that someone can actually do something like that... :^) So, baffled in a good way, if that sounds better - or makes more sense! And I'm so happy to hear of your Instagram success! (= That alone: in & of itself; would be more than plenty to keep me good and happy. . . ; ) but that you're a working artist is extraordinary--you know where I live, they used to have this "starving artist," thing (I don't know if they still do...) but I believe it was some kind of a benefit function, or thing, to help donate, or make donations to the cause. It's such a soul-nourishing thing, I think... Art- whenever I'm at our local University & I can remember to make it a point to go over there, I always walk around and am just in such awe of the talent. They even sometimes have special displays where like a whole room will be devoted to someone's (an artist's, rather) work. Keep up the amazing creations; I find them to be no-thing short of sensational! And I mean that...

Thank you so much!

art has always been a huge part of my life and I’m just glad I’m able to do it again. I don’t do illustrations anymore but more contemporary drawing and paintings. Very different from that piece ha ha!

will have to share some more of my newer works! A lot of life drawing and I call ‘vintage noodles’. Are you an artist too? There’s nothing better than making marks, creating raw lines and paint strokes! Can’t beat it! He he x

 

[Matisse]

I am sorry you are going through this.

Thank you Moses! X

 

[KM76710]

Sad to hear what is going on but you have joined a fine bunch here and hopefully you will join in and find support from others who are understanding people.

 

[Matisse]

Sad to hear what is going on but you have joined a fine bunch here and hopefully you will join in and find support from others who are understanding people.

Thank you! X