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Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?
- Thread starter Petal
- Start date
I am. I have a particular method in mind and I know that I could sleepwalk my way into doing it. Maybe I'd come to before the final movement was made, maybe not.
It's not that my life is terrible, nor do I hate myself (sometimes). It has nothing to do with logic and everything to do with being tired. Tired of the world, tired of trying, and tired of the pressure to be "successful," when it's seriously a fight for me to get out of bed in the morning. Eventually I do get out of bed, because sooner or later I'll need to go to the bathroom.
I've decided that I will stay home for the rest of the day, which will exclude me from having access to the method. The method itself is what the urges are pointing at, so, just using another method would take planning and willpower, which apparently I don't have enough of right now.
It's not that my life is terrible, nor do I hate myself (sometimes). It has nothing to do with logic and everything to do with being tired. Tired of the world, tired of trying, and tired of the pressure to be "successful," when it's seriously a fight for me to get out of bed in the morning. Eventually I do get out of bed, because sooner or later I'll need to go to the bathroom.
I've decided that I will stay home for the rest of the day, which will exclude me from having access to the method. The method itself is what the urges are pointing at, so, just using another method would take planning and willpower, which apparently I don't have enough of right now.
I've reached a point where my family give so little of a fuck about me, it's no longer a concern. I'd just be mindful to leave things in an organized state for them to pick up the pieces and extract the relatively limited financial value I have tied up in my house and pensions - that is there staring me in the face while I watch my income collapse. I am worth more to them dead than alive. I do worry about the impact on colleagues I support and who look up to me, which is why I'm terrified of being unable to work at some point either because of my health or the market dries up, like it seems to be - take that away, and I have very few reasons left not to do it. I am not feeling dramatic urges, but am planning in my mind because it seems inevitable. Every day I wake up hoping I will feel more positive, and my mind goes straight to planning. Not urges, long term planning because I think it's inevitable. I just keep bargaining with myself to put it off until it really is a last resort. But some days I just think, why go through all that and why not just get it over with? And yes I am tired of every day being a battle - with my body, with systems, with finances, with the world in general, with entropy and change I can do absolutely nothing about.
I'm sorry, that must be really hard. My loving and large extended family is a source of great strength for me. We're not any less dysfunctional than any other large family, but at the end of the day we would drop everything to be with one of us going through a really difficult time. I am grateful that I have this protective factor because I understand that very few people do. I'm starting to understand why a past Surgeon General in the US said that loneliness is a public health emergency. It really is - so few of us have close connections. It's not limited to just the US, of course. People need each other, except in very rare cases. I wish I had more IRL friends because I hardly ever get hugs except at family events.
I get that. It's actually pressuring me right now. The thought is that life is shit, so the sooner I get tf out, the less shit I have to go through.
I think I hold on, though, because of a promise I made to my partner just a week before he died, and the sense that I have that at some point I will be able to access the state again where I could perceive life as precious and meaningful. I've lost it now, but I have seen it so I believe it is possible to get that back.
I get that. It's actually pressuring me right now. The thought is that life is shit, so the sooner I get tf out, the less shit I have to go through.
I think I hold on, though, because of a promise I made to my partner just a week before he died, and the sense that I have that at some point I will be able to access the state again where I could perceive life as precious and meaningful. I've lost it now, but I have seen it so I believe it is possible to get that back.
I feel that way, too. I have the phrase “nobody cares” in my top 10 most frequent intrusive thoughts. Another one is “nobody who can help cares, and nobody who cares can offer help.” I have learned over time that these are untrue, but when I feel so bad I would rather die if I didn’t have to do it myself, that’s how it feels. I have redefined the idea of what counts as help to expand beyond the scope of licensed professionals.
note: I hope this doesn’t come across as advice. If it gives you any ideas for what might help in your own situation, great, but I can’t possibly understand your situation enough to say what you could do from only your posts here. I am not a therapist, and even if I was, I am definitely not your therapist. In fact if I were credentialed it would be a more serious matter because it would be unethical for me to just randomly distribute advice to strangers.
Nonetheless, I wish for you to find peace however that looks for you.
note: I hope this doesn’t come across as advice. If it gives you any ideas for what might help in your own situation, great, but I can’t possibly understand your situation enough to say what you could do from only your posts here. I am not a therapist, and even if I was, I am definitely not your therapist. In fact if I were credentialed it would be a more serious matter because it would be unethical for me to just randomly distribute advice to strangers.
Nonetheless, I wish for you to find peace however that looks for you.
I’m facing a depressive episode again, and this time it’s far more intense than the others. Thoughts of dying have become part of my daily routine: they are the first thing that comes to mind when I wake up and the last before I go to sleep. With each passing day, I feel less desire to keep living. People say they love me and that my life matters, but I simply cannot feel that inside. It’s hard to believe anyone could love a life that I myself no longer see any value in maintaining. I am completely emotionally drained. I cry over anything—no matter how small or insignificant. Sometimes it’s because of an ant, sometimes a strong gust of wind, or just a random noise someone made. It feels like my mind has reached its limit, as if the slightest stimulus could make me fall apart. All I want is for my mind to go silent. I’m tired of fighting it every day. I just want to rest. Crying isn't enough anymore; self-harm isn't enough. My soul is bleeding, and fleeting physical pain isn't enough to match the depth of the agony I feel. Breathing hurts. Living hurts. And opening my eyes the next day hurts even more, because I have to face everything—even though, deep down, I’ve already decided I don’t want to live anymore. I can't find any joy in living.
Thank you @Lostman85. I am rooting for you and that time heals you and the situation.
