• IMPORTANT: Covid-19 can only be discussed on this site in terms of SUPPORT. There is a covid-19 support forum and a covid-19 support chat for people needing support around this topic. There is a thread in Forum News and Announcements explaining this further. Please read it.

The one thing I cannot talk about IRL

Freyja

Not staff. Freyja with a j.
SF Supporter
#1
Hello :)
I will try to keep it moderately short. There is this thing that I never talk about with anyone. My therapist doesn't know (yet), and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to tell my psychiatrist either (who is a man, and I literally cannot). Two or three friends know or suspect the general idea because they asked some "yes or no" question or because they're not stupid and have known me for a long time, but I'm extremely vague about it and I have had trouble accepting it.

I was in my first year of university (so, 7 years ago) and had a relatively peaceful life consisting of studying, reading books and seeing my best high school girlfriends. Nowadays I feel like I was an actual innocent angel back then. That's it. Everything was going to be "perfect". I miss it soo much that I got tears in my eyes just writing this, though that's not the sad part, these are good memories :) I'll rip off the band-aid now. Something happened that year, involving the first word of this forum section, an almost-stranger, a concussion, a broken tooth and lots of bruises. Instead of going to my parents' place, I remember coming back to my college dorm as if nothing happened, completely emotionless. I don't think I've cried afterwards.

I don't remember much of the following 3 months, it's kind of "black" in my mind when I think about it, but I think I didn't go to many lectures, I was sick for 3 weeks with some lung infection (and depression?) which felt like I was dying because of the coughing, and maybe that's when I first wanted it to happen (but I honestly don't remember). My friends couldn't really be there for me either back then, so I felt pretty much alone. I failed almost all my exams and my first year, I don't even know what I was doing during the sessions, but probably not studying much (sleeping?). I had never failed a thing in my life, to this day my mother doesn't understand why and sometimes still looks for an explanation that I can't give her.

Then I started changing. I studied again and got "better", but also started drinking (not excessively, still less than average students here) and socializing, which was very new to me. I got a "boyfriend" who was abusive in all ways you can imagine, but I didn't feel like I deserved any better. I remember I was convinced that no good person deserved the kind of complicated crap I was - depressive, careless, disgusting... I felt better by making my life more miserable. It wasn't long (1-2 years), but sometimes I think this self-destruction period of my life was even more traumatizing than the first event. Also got diagnosed for the first time with some depressive disorder in the meantime.

I've had a bit of anxiety when it comes to some intimate physical acts, like hugging or holding hands are very difficult, but it could be much worse. I haven't thought about this event for years. I don't know how to explain this but I truly forgot it ever happened. Never ever have I thought about any word like the one in the title of this forum section to talk about myself. But I know I consciously avoided it as well. I kind of remembered one year ago, when a friend asked me if I'd ever had a concussion. It was as if this huge part of my past life suddenly appeared in my mind.

Now I don't really know what to do about this. I didn't post this in "My story" because it is only part of my story. I never connected my MDD and suicidal thoughts (that were still much more rare during university than nowadays) with that, but it seems like the beginning of everything. When I talk to my therapist, I avoid it completely, we have a lot of other topics to talk about, but the more she asks about my past the more difficult it is to avoid. I know I should be honest, but I really really don't want to talk about this. Not IRL. The idea of this thing defining me in some way, changing my whole life and starting something (the end?) makes me incredibly sad and not well at all...

Okay, huge failure on the "keeping it short" part, sorry. I don't know what to say about this... Thank you A LOT for reading. I know I will cry after posting it, but at some point I will feel good, so that'll be my accomplishment for the day I guess.
Have a very nice day/evening/night :)
 
#2
Hi Freyja,
First off, I'm so sorry. But, surprised you elected to share your story with us. There's nothing that can change that part of your past unfortunately. Your mind has decided to block that memory and build a steel wall to keep others from getting to it, for your protection. In the meantime, it seems to have regenerated to pushing on and keep you going. Yet, there is still that wall that exists. You got yourself a boyfriend that abused you, because in your mind that's all that you were good for. You continue on. Yet, that wall still keeps making itself known. I think it's time to make it known to your therapist. It's not going to be easy. Because your exposing your most deepest secret. And that, will make you vulnerable in your mind. Though it makes you feel sick now. If you make it known. It may feel like a thousand bricks are removed from your mind. Not saying you should. Because, only you know you. You will know when the right time will be. If you choose not too. Then, just remember you worth more than what happened. You are still an individual with feelings and pride. And. You deserve better than abusive situations. Whatever you decide. We will always be here for you. And, you can do so much to helping others that are and have been through the same. ((Hugs))
 

Sunspots

★☆ Every Kind of Awesome ☆★
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#3
Hey Freyja

I'm so sorry this happened to you. This shit just shouldn't happen. People who do this are pure evil and rotting in hell for all eternity is too good for them.

I understand you not feeling able to talk to your therapist about it. I've been seeing mine every week for a year and still haven't told her. If I tell her about it, it will make it real and I don't know how I'll cope with that. I'm scared it will make it worse.

I wish I knew what to say to you. I know you really should try to talk to your therapist about it but I know how hard it is to find the courage to do so.

Always here if you want to talk.
((((Hugs))))
 

1964dodge

When a 1965 Dodge just isn't enough
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#4
first It took a while to read your book:). seriously you don't know how brave you actually are for posting this. I agree with the others that if you can your therapist should know and discuss it, but you have to be ready to do it and be prepared to deal with the negative feelings that come with bringing it up. although it may hurt when you deal with it eventually it will help getting it out of that dark closet. i'm not sure if it can help but have you thought about writing everything down for your therapist to read later not the day you give it to her but the next appointment. whatever you decide is up to you and what you can handle, and we are always here to support you when you need it and of course you can talk to me anytime I do care about you
 

Freyja

Not staff. Freyja with a j.
SF Supporter
#5
Hi Freyja,
First off, I'm so sorry. But, surprised you elected to share your story with us. There's nothing that can change that part of your past unfortunately. Your mind has decided to block that memory and build a steel wall to keep others from getting to it, for your protection. In the meantime, it seems to have regenerated to pushing on and keep you going. Yet, there is still that wall that exists. You got yourself a boyfriend that abused you, because in your mind that's all that you were good for. You continue on. Yet, that wall still keeps making itself known. I think it's time to make it known to your therapist. It's not going to be easy. Because your exposing your most deepest secret. And that, will make you vulnerable in your mind. Though it makes you feel sick now. If you make it known. It may feel like a thousand bricks are removed from your mind. Not saying you should. Because, only you know you. You will know when the right time will be. If you choose not too. Then, just remember you worth more than what happened. You are still an individual with feelings and pride. And. You deserve better than abusive situations. Whatever you decide. We will always be here for you. And, you can do so much to helping others that are and have been through the same. ((Hugs))
Hello and thank you for your kind message. In general I feel much more comfortable writing than speaking so posting here is not much compared to having to open up to someone IRL. I still don’t see that happening, I would die of shame in front of my therapist... And to be honest, I don’t know how talking can do any good to me. It was so long ago... It’s just something I need to live with and I’ve accepted it. I don’t know... I will consider it next week when I see her and see where her questions lead me.
But yes, I know that I tell others to do things I don’t really do myself. Humans are strange... I definitely understand the feeling when I read some posts =)
Thank you again for caring.
 

Pennylane-

Well-Known Member
#6
Hey Freyja X

Sadly this is more common than you'd think, I was raped twenty years ago by a stranger. It's strange because that is the first time I have ever said it in that way, so 'matter of factly'.

I, like you, didn't tell a soul, it happened on a night out with friends when I was being drunk and belligerent, I didn't want to go home yet and so stormed off alone. I was also very dressed up and was ignoring my husband's advice about dressing less provocatively and staying with my friends.

All of these things made me feel like it was my fault. I know now of course that it wasn't. It is never our fault. The man who raped me was an opportunist, I was just very unlucky storming off in the vicinity of a predator.

I kept it to myself for years and years, I thought it would effect the way my husband thought of me and my friends to a lesser extent. One night completely out of the blue when talking to my close female friends, the subject came up and I just told them. They were incredibly supportive and one of them had actually had a similar experience. I eventually opened up to my husband and he was horrified but he was just as horrified by the thought that I couldn't tell him at the time and that this stopped me from reporting it to anyone.

I would like to say that here I am twenty years later and it doesn't haunt me anymore, I'm not sure if my mind has found a way of protecting itself by making me feel nothing but a dull sadness when I think of it or whether time has healed me.

If you can open up to someone about it, it does kick start the healing process, but in your own time xx

Sending love and hugs x
 
#7
Hello and thank you for your kind message. In general I feel much more comfortable writing than speaking so posting here is not much compared to having to open up to someone IRL. I still don’t see that happening, I would die of shame in front of my therapist... And to be honest, I don’t know how talking can do any good to me. It was so long ago... It’s just something I need to live with and I’ve accepted it. I don’t know... I will consider it next week when I see her and see where her questions lead me.
But yes, I know that I tell others to do things I don’t really do myself. Humans are strange... I definitely understand the feeling when I read some posts =)
Thank you again for caring.
I understand. I support you, whatever your decision may be. I commend you for coming forward, as well as others here. Hopefully, you'll find some peace. Just remember, like I said you're worth more than you know! ❤
 

Freyja

Not staff. Freyja with a j.
SF Supporter
#8
Hey Freyja

I'm so sorry this happened to you. This shit just shouldn't happen. People who do this are pure evil and rotting in hell for all eternity is too good for them.

I understand you not feeling able to talk to your therapist about it. I've been seeing mine every week for a year and still haven't told her. If I tell her about it, it will make it real and I don't know how I'll cope with that. I'm scared it will make it worse.

I wish I knew what to say to you. I know you really should try to talk to your therapist about it but I know how hard it is to find the courage to do so.

Always here if you want to talk.
((((Hugs))))
Hey, thank you a lot for your message, Lulabelle. I'm sorry something like that happened to you, I understand why you won't talk about it. I mostly feel like even after putting soooo much effort into telling my therapist, everything would suddenly become about this thing, while I have so much going on in my current life, and I don't see how it would help me to make it real like that. All my sessions will be crying about something in the past, while my present and future seem more important... Though I also know dealing with the past is super important for mental health, so I don't know... It will probably take even more time for me as well.
Thank you a lot for sharing and caring <3 *love and hugs to you*

first It took a while to read your book:). seriously you don't know how brave you actually are for posting this. I agree with the others that if you can your therapist should know and discuss it, but you have to be ready to do it and be prepared to deal with the negative feelings that come with bringing it up. although it may hurt when you deal with it eventually it will help getting it out of that dark closet. i'm not sure if it can help but have you thought about writing everything down for your therapist to read later not the day you give it to her but the next appointment. whatever you decide is up to you and what you can handle, and we are always here to support you when you need it and of course you can talk to me anytime I do care about you
Thank you so much for your message. It doesn't really feel like bravery to me, but I appreciate it. As I said, I'm afraid that even after putting effort and dealing with the shame of telling my therapist, I would be overwhelmed by all those negative feelings again, and I don't feel like I need this in my current situation.
Yes, writing is much easier for me, but eventually she will still mention it. Though it would certainly be less difficult if she just asks questions and I only have to answer in the shortest way possible. My way of talking... I will see next week where the conversation goes, but as brave as I could feel one minute, it never lasts.
Thank you a lot for caring, always.
 

Sunspots

★☆ Every Kind of Awesome ☆★
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#9
I mostly feel like even after putting soooo much effort into telling my therapist, everything would suddenly become about this thing, while I have so much going on in my current life, and I don't see how it would help me to make it real like that. All my sessions will be crying about something in the past, while my present and future seem more important... Though I also know dealing with the past is super important for mental health, so I don't know
You've summed up the thoughts in my head perfectly and far more articulately than I could.
 

Freyja

Not staff. Freyja with a j.
SF Supporter
#10
Hey Freyja X

Sadly this is more common than you'd think, I was raped twenty years ago by a stranger. It's strange because that is the first time I have ever said it in that way, so 'matter of factly'.

I, like you, didn't tell a soul, it happened on a night out with friends when I was being drunk and belligerent, I didn't want to go home yet and so stormed off alone. I was also very dressed up and was ignoring my husband's advice about dressing less provocatively and staying with my friends.

All of these things made me feel like it was my fault. I know now of course that it wasn't. It is never our fault. The man who raped me was an opportunist, I was just very unlucky storming off in the vicinity of a predator.

I kept it to myself for years and years, I thought it would effect the way my husband thought of me and my friends to a lesser extent. One night completely out of the blue when talking to my close female friends, the subject came up and I just told them. They were incredibly supportive and one of them had actually had a similar experience. I eventually opened up to my husband and he was horrified but he was just as horrified by the thought that I couldn't tell him at the time and that this stopped me from reporting it to anyone.

I would like to say that here I am twenty years later and it doesn't haunt me anymore, I'm not sure if my mind has found a way of protecting itself by making me feel nothing but a dull sadness when I think of it or whether time has healed me.

If you can open up to someone about it, it does kick start the healing process, but in your own time xx

Sending love and hugs x
Hello Pennylane,
Yes it is very common, and I hate that you actually understand it once you've been through it because nobody talks about it :( I'm so sorry you've been through that, it's terrible... It is not your fault indeed and you have the right to dress as you wish, they don't have the right to touch you. The issue is not how women dress, but how some men aren't educated enough to understand they don't have that right at all.
Thank you for sharing with me <3

I think I've reached some point when I don't feel much when I think about it except the dull sadness you're talking about, but there are still things to be improved, like the little bit of anxiety regarding physical touch, and some words that trigger panic attacks when someone throws them at my face, I get hurt.

I told it to some people I trusted in a very vague way, this is the longest and most explicit I've ever been about it, but I've always ended up hurt by it. Always, and even this morning, when my partner had a serious anxious episode and violently threw at me : "You're the one who got r... and didn't tell anyone about it, don't tell me to get help.". People always look at me differently or use the information for their benefit, so I do feel pretty much alone about it. My therapist would understand of course, it's her job, but I'm afraid it would become the main topic of our sessions, when I have much more urgent issues I need to deal with (my partner being one of them as you see).

Thank you so much for your message, for caring. I wish you the very best. *love and hugs*

I understand. I support you, whatever your decision may be. I commend you for coming forward, as well as others here. Hopefully, you'll find some peace. Just remember, like I said you're worth more than you know! ❤
Thank you a thousand times :)
 

Pennylane-

Well-Known Member
#11
Thank you Freyja,

I'm so sorry I misunderstood as I read your first post, I too didn't tell anybody all of the details (I felt too disgusting and disgusted as though it was something I did and not something that someone did to me) until I met my current partner. I told him everything, without any shame.

Your boyfriend should never throw that in your face, I don't think I can give you any advice that you haven't already heard or are already trying to follow.

I do always tell my children that on those nights when you can't sleep because everything you ever did wrong or every bad thing that's ever happened to you goes around and around your head, pick one of those things, let yourself think about it, inspect it, face it and keep doing that until your brain stores it away for good and it no longer has any power over your emotions. Maybe opening up to your therapist might help you do that fully? It may not, as we all find our own way through these things, in our own time.

I'm sorry for rambling and I'm sorry if I've said anything in either of my messages that has seemed insensitive or patronising. I had good intentions but I know that I can be too hard and direct at times, I hope I haven't and I wasn't with you x
 

Freyja

Not staff. Freyja with a j.
SF Supporter
#12
Thank you Freyja,

I'm so sorry I misunderstood as I read your first post, I too didn't tell anybody all of the details (I felt too disgusting and disgusted as though it was something I did and not something that someone did to me) until I met my current partner. I told him everything, without any shame.

Your boyfriend should never throw that in your face, I don't think I can give you any advice that you haven't already heard or are already trying to follow.

I do always tell my children that on those nights when you can't sleep because everything you ever did wrong or every bad thing that's ever happened to you goes around and around your head, pick one of those things, let yourself think about it, inspect it, face it and keep doing that until your brain stores it away for good and it no longer has any power over your emotions. Maybe opening up to your therapist might help you do that fully? It may not, as we all find our own way through these things, in our own time.

I'm sorry for rambling and I'm sorry if I've said anything in either of my messages that has seemed insensitive or patronising. I had good intentions but I know that I can be too hard and direct at times, I hope I haven't and I wasn't with you x
Oh noo, you really haven’t, I appreciate everything you told me and it made me feel better rather than worse, don’t worry. Thank you so much for your messages, they’re important.

I will see with my therapist next week if the conversation leads us to that, I’m still not sure about opening up to her but I will keep it in mind :)
Thank you also for your advice about the thoughts, I will think about it next time I feel awful.
Thank you!
 

1964dodge

When a 1965 Dodge just isn't enough
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#13
@Pennylane- @Freyja I am so sorry this happened to you, I have no advice that you don't already know. all I can say it's never the victims fault and almost all men would never even consider doing something like that. I think people who rape should be turned free as soon as arrested after they get neutered. I hope you can eventually completely recover even though I know you can't forget. again i'm sorry for all men that this happened
 
#14
Hello and thank you for your kind message. In general I feel much more comfortable writing than speaking so posting here is not much compared to having to open up to someone IRL. I still don’t see that happening, I would die of shame in front of my therapist... And to be honest, I don’t know how talking can do any good to me. It was so long ago... It’s just something I need to live with and I’ve accepted it. I don’t know... I will consider it next week when I see her and see where her questions lead me.
But yes, I know that I tell others to do things I don’t really do myself. Humans are strange... I definitely understand the feeling when I read some posts =)
Thank you again for caring.
I'm really sorry to read what happened to you. I think you're really brave to speak up about it here. If you have a good therapist who you trust, it can help to talk about trauma like this. But only you know if it's right or not for you. There's no written rule that says you must talk about it. If you did want to, you don't have to say the words, some people will write what happened, even briefly, and hand that to their therapist, some can email their therapist too.

The most important things to know are that you did not deserve what happened to you. No one deserves that to happen, ever. It was not your fault. It's quite common for the trauma to be blocked out/suppressed/repressed. Such trauma can have a massive impact on people's lives, and it can really be helpful to talk about it. (I personally had some very good help from a rape crisis centre a few years ago, and it was easier to talk there because they are specifically trained in the subject of rape and sexual abuse). It's a normal response to try to act like it was not significant, and people have all different ways of coping. It's important to deal with it however you feel best, and also to do plenty of self care.
 

Shush

Well-Known Member
#15
Hi Feyja
So sorry to hear that you have had to live with this. And your boyfriend throwing it into your face at any time is terribly wrong. It was never your fault.
As for talking about that incident with your therapist - perhaps there are some unresolved emotions and trauma from the incident and they are complicating things in your life now. I don’t say that to blame or shame you, simply stating the fact that unresolved trauma can pop up in unexpected ways. It is not your fault - it is just human nature.
And sadly - just “forgetting” or pushing the memories away is only a short-term solution.

I do encourage you to talk to your therapist about this - once you are ready. My experience has been that therapists don’t just focus on this issue. For sure you will do some work together to help process the trauma, but this is only a part of you, not all of you. Your therapist knows this and you will not stop looking at current problems and future goals.

Just remember to be gentle and take care of yourself whatever you decide.

Hugs
Melissa
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#16
Hi to you
Very good job for having the ability to come post here if you find that to be so difficult. You are far from alone, unfortunately.
This is the thing about not being able to talk with your therapist though, you see -- they've asked you before if you have any sexual assault in your past and you've said no (seemingly) so they're not able to factor that in when talking with you about things going on now. You are here downplaying the hell out of this incident (you are and I think you know that) when its really affected you over a long period and continues to do so. So, therapy isn't giving you everything it could be.. which is OKAY.. because at least you are rocking up there and going and getting something out of it.
Do you think it's possible to write your therapist a note? You could literally just print this thread out and give it to them. A general idea of what happened to you and how you are sketchy about even so much as holding hands and hugging how is a great step in the right direction. You made a giant leap posting here, right? Maybe you could also do it there. You could say "I'm not ready to talk about this yet - but wanted you to know". It's just a thought, ok? We're here for you.
 

Freyja

Not staff. Freyja with a j.
SF Supporter
#17
I'm really sorry to read what happened to you. I think you're really brave to speak up about it here. If you have a good therapist who you trust, it can help to talk about trauma like this. But only you know if it's right or not for you. There's no written rule that says you must talk about it. If you did want to, you don't have to say the words, some people will write what happened, even briefly, and hand that to their therapist, some can email their therapist too.

The most important things to know are that you did not deserve what happened to you. No one deserves that to happen, ever. It was not your fault. It's quite common for the trauma to be blocked out/suppressed/repressed. Such trauma can have a massive impact on people's lives, and it can really be helpful to talk about it. (I personally had some very good help from a rape crisis centre a few years ago, and it was easier to talk there because they are specifically trained in the subject of rape and sexual abuse). It's a normal response to try to act like it was not significant, and people have all different ways of coping. It's important to deal with it however you feel best, and also to do plenty of self care.
Thank you for your kind words. It is a strange feeling, because I know that truly no one deserves that of course, I really do... but when applied to myself, there is a mixture of guilt or shame and blaming myself for absolutely no rational reason. I think people in similar situations will understand. I relate a lot to the acting like it was not significant indeed though I also know the impact it had on every aspect of my life, my original post only gave an idea, but it was much more significant that I'd like it to be...
I'm sorry you've been in some similar situation once. Thank you again <3
 
#18
Thank you for your kind words. It is a strange feeling, because I know that truly no one deserves that of course, I really do... but when applied to myself, there is a mixture of guilt or shame and blaming myself for absolutely no rational reason. I think people in similar situations will understand. I relate a lot to the acting like it was not significant indeed though I also know the impact it had on every aspect of my life, my original post only gave an idea, but it was much more significant that I'd like it to be...
I'm sorry you've been in some similar situation once. Thank you again <3
It's very common for survivors of trauma (and not just sexual trauma) to blame themselves and feel ashamed like you have stated, and that's sometimes a thing a therapist can help with too, I guess. You're not alone and I wish you the best in healing from this, in whatever you feel is the best way. Take good care and know that we're always here to support you too and there's other organisations etc who can also help x
 

Freyja

Not staff. Freyja with a j.
SF Supporter
#19
Hi Feyja
So sorry to hear that you have had to live with this. And your boyfriend throwing it into your face at any time is terribly wrong. It was never your fault.
As for talking about that incident with your therapist - perhaps there are some unresolved emotions and trauma from the incident and they are complicating things in your life now. I don’t say that to blame or shame you, simply stating the fact that unresolved trauma can pop up in unexpected ways. It is not your fault - it is just human nature.
And sadly - just “forgetting” or pushing the memories away is only a short-term solution.

I do encourage you to talk to your therapist about this - once you are ready. My experience has been that therapists don’t just focus on this issue. For sure you will do some work together to help process the trauma, but this is only a part of you, not all of you. Your therapist knows this and you will not stop looking at current problems and future goals.

Just remember to be gentle and take care of yourself whatever you decide.

Hugs
Melissa
Hello Melissa,
Thank you for your message, it means a lot. I know, my partner has issues, they were hurtful words indeed. But that's another huge topic.
I understand, that day certainly affects my life now to a certain extent, I won't deny it... I will keep that in mind on Monday when I see my therapist, though I'm pretty sure it will take some time. I'm the kind of person who took 6 months of seeing her every week to talk about nonsense before even mentioning that I was "sad". When I open her door, I instantly put my smile on my face and pretend I'm okay, I can't help it. Now it's been a year and she doesn't know I have suicidal thoughts yet, so I obviously have a lot to say... :(

Hi to you
Very good job for having the ability to come post here if you find that to be so difficult. You are far from alone, unfortunately.
This is the thing about not being able to talk with your therapist though, you see -- they've asked you before if you have any sexual assault in your past and you've said no (seemingly) so they're not able to factor that in when talking with you about things going on now. You are here downplaying the hell out of this incident (you are and I think you know that) when its really affected you over a long period and continues to do so. So, therapy isn't giving you everything it could be.. which is OKAY.. because at least you are rocking up there and going and getting something out of it.
Do you think it's possible to write your therapist a note? You could literally just print this thread out and give it to them. A general idea of what happened to you and how you are sketchy about even so much as holding hands and hugging how is a great step in the right direction. You made a giant leap posting here, right? Maybe you could also do it there. You could say "I'm not ready to talk about this yet - but wanted you to know". It's just a thought, ok? We're here for you.
Hi, thank you for your kind message and for caring.
Actually, my therapist never asked about anything like that. I'm sure I wouldn't say no, probably not say anything which would be enough to understand. But she often asks if "there is something in my past that could make me feel that way", that's when I lie and never bring that up... I like going to therapy and I would say half of the time I get out with some positive feelings, which is good. But I know I could get much more from it if I put more effort into it. There is so much I have never talked about yet.
Thank you for your thoughts, it's nice. I've never thought about writing to her, I would feel a bit silly asking that but I know I shouldn't. Maybe I will write something and give it when I feel like I'm getting closer to the topic and in a brave mood :) Right now I'd die of shame and pain once she would have read it and mentioned it to me...
 
Last edited:

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$280.00
Goal
$255.00
Top