Hello
I will try to keep it moderately short. There is this thing that I never talk about with anyone. My therapist doesn't know (yet), and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to tell my psychiatrist either (who is a man, and I literally cannot). Two or three friends know or suspect the general idea because they asked some "yes or no" question or because they're not stupid and have known me for a long time, but I'm extremely vague about it and I have had trouble accepting it.
I was in my first year of university (so, 7 years ago) and had a relatively peaceful life consisting of studying, reading books and seeing my best high school girlfriends. Nowadays I feel like I was an actual innocent angel back then. That's it. Everything was going to be "perfect". I miss it soo much that I got tears in my eyes just writing this, though that's not the sad part, these are good memories I'll rip off the band-aid now. Something happened that year, involving the first word of this forum section, an almost-stranger, a concussion, a broken tooth and lots of bruises. Instead of going to my parents' place, I remember coming back to my college dorm as if nothing happened, completely emotionless. I don't think I've cried afterwards.
I don't remember much of the following 3 months, it's kind of "black" in my mind when I think about it, but I think I didn't go to many lectures, I was sick for 3 weeks with some lung infection (and depression?) which felt like I was dying because of the coughing, and maybe that's when I first wanted it to happen (but I honestly don't remember). My friends couldn't really be there for me either back then, so I felt pretty much alone. I failed almost all my exams and my first year, I don't even know what I was doing during the sessions, but probably not studying much (sleeping?). I had never failed a thing in my life, to this day my mother doesn't understand why and sometimes still looks for an explanation that I can't give her.
Then I started changing. I studied again and got "better", but also started drinking (not excessively, still less than average students here) and socializing, which was very new to me. I got a "boyfriend" who was abusive in all ways you can imagine, but I didn't feel like I deserved any better. I remember I was convinced that no good person deserved the kind of complicated crap I was - depressive, careless, disgusting... I felt better by making my life more miserable. It wasn't long (1-2 years), but sometimes I think this self-destruction period of my life was even more traumatizing than the first event. Also got diagnosed for the first time with some depressive disorder in the meantime.
I've had a bit of anxiety when it comes to some intimate physical acts, like hugging or holding hands are very difficult, but it could be much worse. I haven't thought about this event for years. I don't know how to explain this but I truly forgot it ever happened. Never ever have I thought about any word like the one in the title of this forum section to talk about myself. But I know I consciously avoided it as well. I kind of remembered one year ago, when a friend asked me if I'd ever had a concussion. It was as if this huge part of my past life suddenly appeared in my mind.
Now I don't really know what to do about this. I didn't post this in "My story" because it is only part of my story. I never connected my MDD and suicidal thoughts (that were still much more rare during university than nowadays) with that, but it seems like the beginning of everything. When I talk to my therapist, I avoid it completely, we have a lot of other topics to talk about, but the more she asks about my past the more difficult it is to avoid. I know I should be honest, but I really really don't want to talk about this. Not IRL. The idea of this thing defining me in some way, changing my whole life and starting something (the end?) makes me incredibly sad and not well at all...
Okay, huge failure on the "keeping it short" part, sorry. I don't know what to say about this... Thank you A LOT for reading. I know I will cry after posting it, but at some point I will feel good, so that'll be my accomplishment for the day I guess.
Have a very nice day/evening/night
I will try to keep it moderately short. There is this thing that I never talk about with anyone. My therapist doesn't know (yet), and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to tell my psychiatrist either (who is a man, and I literally cannot). Two or three friends know or suspect the general idea because they asked some "yes or no" question or because they're not stupid and have known me for a long time, but I'm extremely vague about it and I have had trouble accepting it.
I was in my first year of university (so, 7 years ago) and had a relatively peaceful life consisting of studying, reading books and seeing my best high school girlfriends. Nowadays I feel like I was an actual innocent angel back then. That's it. Everything was going to be "perfect". I miss it soo much that I got tears in my eyes just writing this, though that's not the sad part, these are good memories I'll rip off the band-aid now. Something happened that year, involving the first word of this forum section, an almost-stranger, a concussion, a broken tooth and lots of bruises. Instead of going to my parents' place, I remember coming back to my college dorm as if nothing happened, completely emotionless. I don't think I've cried afterwards.
I don't remember much of the following 3 months, it's kind of "black" in my mind when I think about it, but I think I didn't go to many lectures, I was sick for 3 weeks with some lung infection (and depression?) which felt like I was dying because of the coughing, and maybe that's when I first wanted it to happen (but I honestly don't remember). My friends couldn't really be there for me either back then, so I felt pretty much alone. I failed almost all my exams and my first year, I don't even know what I was doing during the sessions, but probably not studying much (sleeping?). I had never failed a thing in my life, to this day my mother doesn't understand why and sometimes still looks for an explanation that I can't give her.
Then I started changing. I studied again and got "better", but also started drinking (not excessively, still less than average students here) and socializing, which was very new to me. I got a "boyfriend" who was abusive in all ways you can imagine, but I didn't feel like I deserved any better. I remember I was convinced that no good person deserved the kind of complicated crap I was - depressive, careless, disgusting... I felt better by making my life more miserable. It wasn't long (1-2 years), but sometimes I think this self-destruction period of my life was even more traumatizing than the first event. Also got diagnosed for the first time with some depressive disorder in the meantime.
I've had a bit of anxiety when it comes to some intimate physical acts, like hugging or holding hands are very difficult, but it could be much worse. I haven't thought about this event for years. I don't know how to explain this but I truly forgot it ever happened. Never ever have I thought about any word like the one in the title of this forum section to talk about myself. But I know I consciously avoided it as well. I kind of remembered one year ago, when a friend asked me if I'd ever had a concussion. It was as if this huge part of my past life suddenly appeared in my mind.
Now I don't really know what to do about this. I didn't post this in "My story" because it is only part of my story. I never connected my MDD and suicidal thoughts (that were still much more rare during university than nowadays) with that, but it seems like the beginning of everything. When I talk to my therapist, I avoid it completely, we have a lot of other topics to talk about, but the more she asks about my past the more difficult it is to avoid. I know I should be honest, but I really really don't want to talk about this. Not IRL. The idea of this thing defining me in some way, changing my whole life and starting something (the end?) makes me incredibly sad and not well at all...
Okay, huge failure on the "keeping it short" part, sorry. I don't know what to say about this... Thank you A LOT for reading. I know I will cry after posting it, but at some point I will feel good, so that'll be my accomplishment for the day I guess.
Have a very nice day/evening/night