What is the point, really?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NotFeelingWell, Mar 22, 2016.

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  1. NotFeelingWell

    NotFeelingWell New Member

    I'd like to unload a bit, if that's okay. I'm about 2.5 years into a depression that feels like it's just taken over my life. It sucks to put it mildly.

    I'm nearing my 40's and on the outside, have a good thing going on. Married with 2 kids, nice house, good job etc etc. It's on the inside where none of it feels good. I've not been honest with myself all along.

    I've been married for 16+ years, and have come to realize that I got married because that's what I was "supposed to do". Because I was afraid I'd not find better... so settled for good enough. It's never been ideal and I've known that for a long time. Before having kids, the thought "I should get a divorce" crossed my mind many times, yet I stayed. When we had kids, I honestly thought it would make our relationship stronger, but instead my wife has become a great mom, and I feel like a shit dad and a worse husband. To make it tougher, we've had our share of medical troubles with the kids, and I feel incapable of coping with these disappointments.

    Over the years, sex & intimacy went from not-great, to worse, to nothing at all. My outlet turned to self-gratification, which led to fantasies that are not the "norm". I think my wife has an idea, but it's never been discussed. It's like the elephant in the room (but it may be the elephant in my mind). Eventually I cheated, thinking that it's not cheating if there's no sexual relationship that you're cheating on. WRONG, I cheated on my wife and hurt her. I did it to make myself feel better, and it only made it worse.

    Then there's a lack of out-of-marriage relationships. Friendships. I have a long pattern of losing friends... and eventually realized I no longer make new friends. Frankly, I wouldn't want to be friends with me. I have little to add of value. I'm not interesting. I even stopped drinking. Despite those boo-hoo's, I have an awful memory, which makes being a good friend possible. Remember when??? Nope. I do not. The friends that I do have are work related or college friends who I see 1-2 times per year. It's sad. I don't have guys to get a drink with, watch the game with... nothing like that. I am lonely:( I chose work over friends... and now I'm left friendless.

    Speaking of work, that too has become a huge stress. I like my job.. but I've had it for 15+ years, and have realized many times over I should leave (sound familiar?) but I stayed for the money. Raises turned into a great salary that my lifestyle now depends on. I can't make less but I make more than I deserve (and could make elsewhere). We have a single income home (no pressure there), and I spend everything I make. OVEREXTENDED The problem is I took my work for granted and let myself coast. Instead of building relationships & networking (much like my lack of friends) I rode my bosses coattails. I did the work, rather than got the work. Now all these years later, I'm expected to keep the business going by getting work, and have very few connections, limited experience (just the one job) no confidence and no motivation. I delegated so much I don't feel I know how to do my job well anymore. I am rapt with ANXIETY about this... which exacerbates the depression. I am finally trying to fix it, but because of my mental state, it's next to impossible. I waited too long, and I fear every day that I will lose my job, which means I'll lose my house, and ruin my family further. Why would I lose my job? Because my company is becoming less financially viable as I'm not bringing in the work. I was supposed to be the future, but instead Ive become the problem, and I don't have the tools to fix it.

    A few years ago, I had a major breakdown. It was work related. I suddenly couldnt do my job. My brain wouldn't allow me to... I couldn't concerntrate, or perform. I took a month off, in bed, feeling like I wanted to kill myself. Out of nowhere. It just came on after a conversation with a work-friend who was doing things with his life. Building his carreer... doing what I knew I should have been doing and didnt' It FREAKED me out. Prior to this, I didn't really think these things. I just coasted and collected my paycheck. Suddenly I got stuck being fixated on the bad... being jealous of others successes... being fearful of pending doom. That break made me a different person for sure. A weaker person. I'm now receiving therapy & psychotherapy, am on meds for clinical depression and just feel very lost. The first therapist I met with referred to my life (as I described it) as a big pile of shit... that I had to scrape away at it... but it would not go easily. I was so offended I went elsewhere, but was he right?

    The truly frustrating part is that I've done all of this to myself. I do have a history of depression in my family. One grandparent had clinical depression and the others were all pretty removed from friends etc. So maybe it's not all me. Maybe I'm becoming who I was destin to become. But that shouldn't be... I should be in control of my own decisions & outcomes. I always believed that... so what happend. I think what happened is that I coasted. I went with the flow, without having direction. I now look back at decisions I've made and mistakes that seem so stupid. So wasteful, and I can't recover from them (financially or emotionally). I feel like I'm always looking back. Looking to past mistakes that dictate my current state and my future. I feel stuck because I chose poorly in the past.. that there's no overcoming the past.

    I've realized that there are so many things that I don't like about my life, and have come to ask WHAT IS THE POINT, REALLY? Sure there are good spots here and there, but they are coming much less frequently than they once did. And they feel far outweighed by the bad. I've become a bad husband in a damaged marriage. I've isolated myself from friends and haven't made a single new friend in years. I feel inept in parenting and work. I don't really "enjoy" doing anything anymore. I don't laugh, and find smiling harder each day. I have no disposable income to even try to do thinks I might enjoy. I truly feel trapped.

    So here's the real question. I'd love to understand why people think suicide is bad. It sounds like a nice out... being done worrying, done angsting, done being disappointed. Suicidal thoughts seem logical to me. It's the fear of how, and the though of disappointing & hurting loved ones that have kept me from seriously exploring it. This thinking sounds greedy, I know it does, but I feel like others would be ultimately better off. My life insurance policy is an 1M umbrella for my family, so I know my wife can figure things out and eventually find a new husband... one that treats her better, and really loves her. My kids are young enough that they'll move on. If I can't support my family financially or emotionally, what good am I?

    I realize this is all said in my dark thoughts... but it's where I am. At this moment, I feel like I truly am lost.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Wow, what a story. You have a purpose in life where you are important. Ok, you suffered a breakdown just like me. It takes time to recover and you have find the inner strength to live.

    It's very difficult to comment on your situation but life is important and that includes you. We all wear a false mask but you must stay strong. Doing the final commitment is hard but from the bottom of my heart please stay strong as we here for you. The only people who understand are the ones who suffer and understand your pain everyday. Use me as an example, I survive on a day by day basis as when you are at a lowest point of your life, you have to dig deep to live your life.
    bobbob likes this.
  3. NotFeelingWell

    NotFeelingWell New Member

    Thanks for your reply, Unknown_111. I'd not know how to comment either, but thanks for your "welcome". I met with my doctor for a medical re-eval. Hoping I'll get back out of this hole, so I can see things from a less clouded perspective. But jeese, being down is tough stuff (as I assume everyone here knows). I just want out.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry for all of this; and how you feel now. I think it's a very good idea that you're getting your meds re-evaluated though... perhaps something is out of whack there? I am happy you're allowing yourself to be helped. You deserve as much!

    I was thinking about you saying you didn't have many friends? Would it be possible to join some sports or hobby teams where you could 'hang out' with some guys your own age? Building relationships are hard, but if there's a shared interest... perhaps that could help?
    My boyfriend also suffers from bad memory after his brain damage, he gets by with writing down everything he thinks is important and that he doesn't want to forget... Perhaps you could keep a little note book like that? I don't know if that helps you.

    Be kind to yourself. *hugs* You really do deserve that! It gets better, you know? And you're already working on it! Kudos!
  5. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    I'm sorry about how you're feeling, everything seems bleak in the midst of depression. I'm glad you went to see your doctor. Has therapy helped at all? Sometimes you might have to try different medication or therapies to get better, CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) might be useful in dealing with negative thoughts. Even with the problems, from an outsider's standpoint, you still have some good things going for you like having a well paying job, house, and family. Self reflection is helpful, but rumination, dwelling on the past excessively is really detrimental and unproductive. The past can't be changed but you have the opportunity to make changes in the present. Can you get some advice from your bosses? Find free enjoyable activities to do with the family?

    As for your specific question, "the point" is going to be unique to each individual. I think if you can alleviate your depression, things will seem a lot better. I don't think of suicide as being "bad" necessarily, but more of an extreme measure, a last resort, and very risky as a failed attempt may leave you alive but worse off. Your wife and children would probably feel abandoned, traumatized, and guilty, but I don't think you should just live for them but for yourself as well to find some happiness again. My friend's dad committed suicide, and even though he was divorced and the children weren't that close, his ex-wife and children still were very affected and blamed themselves. As far an life insurance, usually there are clauses regarding suicide and mental illness that may prevent benefits being paid out or being contested.
  6. NotFeelingWell

    NotFeelingWell New Member

    Thanks for the reply. I hate to rely on meds, but I had much better luck when on a seratonin boost... but after 6months of feeling good, I got the idea that I mustnt need it anymore. WRONG. For some reason, my Dr. switched me off that pill, and I've been worse for the wear. Moving back towards that thinking in hopes it helps:)

    Thanks for the friends advise. It's not that I'm never around people. I am. I've been part of mens leagues etc, but never felt right there. Something was always off... I recently came across this quote from Roald Dorh and thought "wow, maybe this is how people see me... perhaps I'm not hiding it, as well as I thought."

    “If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

    A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

    If positive thoughts help how you appeal & appear to new people, I've got some work to do, clearly. But then again, there's the memory part too. I don't mean to say I have no memory... but i have a poor memory for sure. For instance, I have a co-worker who's a vegetarian, and I NEVER remember. "you're a vegetarian, did I know that"? Now put that social-ineptitute to work in a work environment.... Good times indeed.

    ps. if you can tell from my writing, I'm feeling a bit better at the moment. Nights (after everyone has gone to bed) is best for me lately. Shocking.
  7. NotFeelingWell

    NotFeelingWell New Member

    Hi Jenumbra. Thanks for the thoughts. Rumination and dwelling on the past excessively certainly is detrimental. The past can't be changed but man do I wish I could access a time machine. Things would be ... probably the same, huh? In all seriousness, it just amazes me what dumb decisions I've made, and how they compound and complicate. Things that seem smart or logical, given time, look damn foolish.

    Moving forward, my hope is that meds help, because in my current funk, I don't want to do "fun" things with my family. It's not at all enjoyable as they remind me of some of those decisions. Again, not always, but right now.

    Beyond medications - I just listened to a podcast called Depression180 (www.depression180.com). It's interesting... I was happy to hear that research supports that genetics may make someone pre-disposed to depression, but doesn't GIVE depression. Meaning you're not stuck with it. The author is of course selling a "course" but I'm intrigued in the idea of CBT, Hypnotherapy & Guided Visualization. Wether it's true or not, I'm thinking giving it a shot... just listening to the podcast gave me a bit of a boost & hope.

    Suicide... that's a far off on the horizion kind of thought. Though it is there. It's my job to keep it on (or kick it past) the horizion right now.
  8. Marcel

    Marcel New Member

    That is the story of all (but one) of my old friends. They all in their 40s now, sussessful above average, good jobs, nice houses, nice wives, nice kids, and all their wives friends tell their other friends that "what a lovely family". Only when i get to meet them sometimes over a glass of pint, they reveal to me what and how they really feel. And they feel miserable. That they have wasted their life. And given chance they would just run away from all of it. And the common factor to all of them is, that they got married in their early twenties with a girl they could get. All but one. This one was a player, had lots of girls and finally settled down in his mid thirties with a girl, whom he really liked over all others. And they are really very happy. The point is, that nobody is good at anything he has not done before and does for the first time. It also applies to relationships. To decide whether she is the one to settle down with you have to compare her to somebody. One can not make a lifetime commitment wihout any experience.
  9. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    Lol, yeah, that's why they say hindsight is 20/20. Honestly, I think we generally do the best we can at the time with what we know.

    Excellent, glad you found some promising stuff to try out. Let us know how it works out. There's a lot of useful stuff online on CBT which is a really useful therapy. "Feeling Good" by David Burns is a good book on it and there are workbooks available as well.
  10. Red Nightmare

    Red Nightmare Well-Known Member

    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 9, 2016
  11. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Agreed - member has been removed from the site.
  12. Ant

    Ant New Member

    My raw opinion...

    Why is suicide bad? It's not bad, it's sad. It's sad times 1000. It's sad because there is a good possibility that the best is yet to come for you, and you might give up before this happens. Your kids will be crushed. THEY. WILL. BE. CRUSHED. A million dollars? It won't last long. Inflation will eat it up quickly. It might last 10 years.

    This is going to sound cheesy, but do you remember when Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie and moved to Africa? No one could understand why he left such a nice girl and abandoned is ultra fancy life in Hollywood. But I remember he said something important a few years later. He said "I was dead inside". So he had options: (a) get drugged up on coke, antidepressants, etc to hide the pain, (b) knock himself off, (c) live a completely new life and screw what everyone thought. He chose C and wow, what a change it made from him.

    When I read your story, I see so much possibility. You ARE at the beginning of a new story. Your brain is sending out warning signals left and right, up and down that you need to get on with this new story. By staying in the old story, you are fighting a battle that you can't win. The old story WANTS to be over. Friends are leaving? They are part of the old story. You are not part of that story anymore although you are fighting to stay in it. You have a new story that is better suited to you. Your new friends are waiting for you in this new story.

    So... you can change and embrace the new story. Or you can continue to fight the old story, medicate yourself into complacency, or die if the fight gets too difficult.

    You need a plan to get that new story in full motion. Because you're in a crappy state (been there too), it might be a bit difficult to see the easy pickings. Here are a few that I see:

    (a) Downsize that house. Sell the old one and get some crappy little thing and start saving your money.
    (b) Start interviewing. Even if the salary sucks and you have no intentions on taking the job, it will feel good to get offers... and opportunities.
    (c) Your wife NEEDS to work. She needs a job. She must start helping.

    What if your wife does not agree to these things? Go to Africa. Get your new life established and then re-connect with your kids. This will force the sale of the fancy house, force her to get a job, and force both of you to move on so you can find new love.

    My 50 cents...
  13. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    This is for Not Feeling Well-I agree with Ant. Sometimes a radical response is the right response-and if the choice is between taking your life or changing your life, change is the best route to take. Not small change-big change. I agree with the analogy that sometimes a certain story has run its course and its time for you to exit from the stage. I always think of it as being expired-when my time in a situation has expired only bad things will happen until I remove myself from the shelf and move on.

    You'd be surprised at how easily the people around you will carry on without you in their lives. Feelings will be hurt but your feelings are very hurt. Anyone who cares about you and loves you would rather you be alive, trying to make a new life for yourself, than dead, trying to do what they want you to do. I am 53 years old this year-if I had stayed with the same people, living the same story over a decade ago, I would me one miserable, crazy person. I had to be brave enough to make a new life for myself-regardless of the consequences. But the hardest part was caring that much about myself at all.

    I was so used to putting everyone else's needs ahead of my own that when my life was in crisis, I didn't know how to love myself and do what was best for me. Putting yourself first is an unfamiliar act for people like us because our connections to our deepest selves are not healthy. Some people leave their lives never figuring out how to make peace with and love themselves. It sounds (to me) like you have lost your ability to have compassion for your own pain-you put everyone else's feelings above yours. My entire life changed when I started putting myself first-you can make a whole new start and begin to find joy and love in your life. It's never too late and you are definitely worth it.
    Brian777 likes this.
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