I'd like to unload a bit, if that's okay. I'm about 2.5 years into a depression that feels like it's just taken over my life. It sucks to put it mildly. I'm nearing my 40's and on the outside, have a good thing going on. Married with 2 kids, nice house, good job etc etc. It's on the inside where none of it feels good. I've not been honest with myself all along. I've been married for 16+ years, and have come to realize that I got married because that's what I was "supposed to do". Because I was afraid I'd not find better... so settled for good enough. It's never been ideal and I've known that for a long time. Before having kids, the thought "I should get a divorce" crossed my mind many times, yet I stayed. When we had kids, I honestly thought it would make our relationship stronger, but instead my wife has become a great mom, and I feel like a shit dad and a worse husband. To make it tougher, we've had our share of medical troubles with the kids, and I feel incapable of coping with these disappointments. Over the years, sex & intimacy went from not-great, to worse, to nothing at all. My outlet turned to self-gratification, which led to fantasies that are not the "norm". I think my wife has an idea, but it's never been discussed. It's like the elephant in the room (but it may be the elephant in my mind). Eventually I cheated, thinking that it's not cheating if there's no sexual relationship that you're cheating on. WRONG, I cheated on my wife and hurt her. I did it to make myself feel better, and it only made it worse. Then there's a lack of out-of-marriage relationships. Friendships. I have a long pattern of losing friends... and eventually realized I no longer make new friends. Frankly, I wouldn't want to be friends with me. I have little to add of value. I'm not interesting. I even stopped drinking. Despite those boo-hoo's, I have an awful memory, which makes being a good friend possible. Remember when??? Nope. I do not. The friends that I do have are work related or college friends who I see 1-2 times per year. It's sad. I don't have guys to get a drink with, watch the game with... nothing like that. I am lonely I chose work over friends... and now I'm left friendless. Speaking of work, that too has become a huge stress. I like my job.. but I've had it for 15+ years, and have realized many times over I should leave (sound familiar?) but I stayed for the money. Raises turned into a great salary that my lifestyle now depends on. I can't make less but I make more than I deserve (and could make elsewhere). We have a single income home (no pressure there), and I spend everything I make. OVEREXTENDED The problem is I took my work for granted and let myself coast. Instead of building relationships & networking (much like my lack of friends) I rode my bosses coattails. I did the work, rather than got the work. Now all these years later, I'm expected to keep the business going by getting work, and have very few connections, limited experience (just the one job) no confidence and no motivation. I delegated so much I don't feel I know how to do my job well anymore. I am rapt with ANXIETY about this... which exacerbates the depression. I am finally trying to fix it, but because of my mental state, it's next to impossible. I waited too long, and I fear every day that I will lose my job, which means I'll lose my house, and ruin my family further. Why would I lose my job? Because my company is becoming less financially viable as I'm not bringing in the work. I was supposed to be the future, but instead Ive become the problem, and I don't have the tools to fix it. A few years ago, I had a major breakdown. It was work related. I suddenly couldnt do my job. My brain wouldn't allow me to... I couldn't concerntrate, or perform. I took a month off, in bed, feeling like I wanted to kill myself. Out of nowhere. It just came on after a conversation with a work-friend who was doing things with his life. Building his carreer... doing what I knew I should have been doing and didnt' It FREAKED me out. Prior to this, I didn't really think these things. I just coasted and collected my paycheck. Suddenly I got stuck being fixated on the bad... being jealous of others successes... being fearful of pending doom. That break made me a different person for sure. A weaker person. I'm now receiving therapy & psychotherapy, am on meds for clinical depression and just feel very lost. The first therapist I met with referred to my life (as I described it) as a big pile of shit... that I had to scrape away at it... but it would not go easily. I was so offended I went elsewhere, but was he right? The truly frustrating part is that I've done all of this to myself. I do have a history of depression in my family. One grandparent had clinical depression and the others were all pretty removed from friends etc. So maybe it's not all me. Maybe I'm becoming who I was destin to become. But that shouldn't be... I should be in control of my own decisions & outcomes. I always believed that... so what happend. I think what happened is that I coasted. I went with the flow, without having direction. I now look back at decisions I've made and mistakes that seem so stupid. So wasteful, and I can't recover from them (financially or emotionally). I feel like I'm always looking back. Looking to past mistakes that dictate my current state and my future. I feel stuck because I chose poorly in the past.. that there's no overcoming the past. I've realized that there are so many things that I don't like about my life, and have come to ask WHAT IS THE POINT, REALLY? Sure there are good spots here and there, but they are coming much less frequently than they once did. And they feel far outweighed by the bad. I've become a bad husband in a damaged marriage. I've isolated myself from friends and haven't made a single new friend in years. I feel inept in parenting and work. I don't really "enjoy" doing anything anymore. I don't laugh, and find smiling harder each day. I have no disposable income to even try to do thinks I might enjoy. I truly feel trapped. So here's the real question. I'd love to understand why people think suicide is bad. It sounds like a nice out... being done worrying, done angsting, done being disappointed. Suicidal thoughts seem logical to me. It's the fear of how, and the though of disappointing & hurting loved ones that have kept me from seriously exploring it. This thinking sounds greedy, I know it does, but I feel like others would be ultimately better off. My life insurance policy is an 1M umbrella for my family, so I know my wife can figure things out and eventually find a new husband... one that treats her better, and really loves her. My kids are young enough that they'll move on. If I can't support my family financially or emotionally, what good am I? I realize this is all said in my dark thoughts... but it's where I am. At this moment, I feel like I truly am lost.