What it feels like lately

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by eleanorhikari, May 6, 2016.

  1. eleanorhikari

    eleanorhikari Member

    So lately especially I've been taking extreme and quite sudden turns for the worst, lasting even just a day. And then the next day I'll be totally fine and positive. I've never been to see a professional about the way I behave... But I'm starting to believe there must be an explanation for the way I am feeling and why my emotions are becoming more and more intense and diverse.

    So I was walking home the other morning with my boyfriend at 7 ish in the morning in Osaka, we had been out drinking together the night before... He started playing a game like being silly and hiding behind signs and stuff and then running past me, so I joined in and wedged myself in a little tight spot between buildings, and he ran past, and I know it was a joke but he ran away so fast and so far when I looked he was no where in sight.
    And that crushed me for some reason which is ridiculous. So I just stood there like a maniac hoping he would come back but he didn't, he'd probably already reached home at this point. And all of a sudden it felt like a huge hole punched in my gut and I I started sobbing and felt really really bad.
    So I started walking a bit whilst crying and found a railing I sat on with my back to the morning sun and just kept thinking 'the sun feels nice' but inside I felt the most wretched and awful and like I just couldn't try at life anymore and how tired I am. And I just kept sobbing and it wouldn't stop. And then he came back after about 15 minutes obviously worried and was so confused what was wrong... He talked me into coming home but I refused so many times because I just felt like saying goodbye to everything right then and there.
    And then the next morning I woke up in a normal mood again. And now I woke up at 4 in the morning feeling numb. And my emotions are just like a yoyo and I can't control it.... And it's making me so confused and tired but all I know is the times when I feel down are getting significantly for frequent and intense and it's scaring me....

    Rant over~
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Ugh, that doesn't sound fun at all to experience if you are in a vulnerable mood. I don't think your boyfriend meant anything by it.

    Maybe you have an emotional personality disorder, who knows... maybe you have abandonment issues... I can't tell you, I'm not a professional... but it does sound like you're a bit sensitive (and I don't say that to judge you or mean it in a negative way).

    Perhaps you could benefit from some therapy to learn how to control your emotions when they hit such highs like yours do; DBT for instance works on those things.

    I hope you take care of yourself, and don't end up hurting yourself. You deserve a lot more than that *hugs*
  3. eleanorhikari

    eleanorhikari Member

    What's DBT? Sorry I'm really new to all this (´・_・`)
    Thanks again for the sweet reply by the way.

    Also it's not just this time it got triggered, but like the other day I woke up and just felt the same way like I couldn't carry on anymore and could only see the negative side to everything... And I don't even know why (´・_・`)

    I lie a lot to anyone as well, not serious lies but little lies that need to be covered up by more little lies to keep them flattened out.

    As soon as its tumbled out of my mouth I regret it but I feel like I can't take it back? (´Д` )
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    DBT is short for Dialectic Behavioural Therapy, it's usually a group therapy that works on teaching you coping methods to controlling emotions, relationships and triggers etc. It usually works well for two personality types: Emotionally unstable and the Avoidant. There is also CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (which I don't know enough about)

    Are you under a lot of stress lately, has something major changed in your life? Do you have childhood traumas? All of these might play into how you feel... but again, I am not a professional, just a peer...

    I think you should talk to your doctor, maybe even write all of these things down as your symptoms and give it to that doctor?