Why do I even try?

[imalone]

It's been a while since I've been active on this site as I thought i was getting better. But I was wrong. Recently I've been upset and angry ALL the time. I've never wanted to eat, I've never been able to sleep (and when I do it's for about 5 minutes and usually about myself committing suicide), My head is telling me to give up, I have been easily irritated, I have blocked my family and locked myself up in my room and I have been ignoring my phone and am starting to push everyone away from me.

I have been getting back in SH and everything has just been getting worse. I just hate myself. I've always thought i was so ugly, so different, so WORTHLESS. My mind flashes back to all the horrible things in my life. It flashes back to the worst days where I was bullied badly and nearly ended up being pushed down a flight of stairs. I'm always worried about things that don't even matter. I just want to run away or end everything. I have been constantly thinking about killing myself at school (when we get back off break) i just keep thinking; Whats wrong with me? Why am i so worthless? Why do i even keep trying? everyday is a struggle to carry on.

I just feel so alone. I can't talk to anyone. One of my friend goes through similar things to me but I just keep pushing her away and saying I'm okay even though she keeps messaging me, I just can't bring myself to talk as I know I'll explode onto her. My other friends knew about my SH before but don't know about everything I've done recently.

Thank you for reading this, I just need someone to talk to for help. I don't want to eat, I can't possibly sleep, all I hear and all I can think about is how horrible I am.

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

Hi @imalone, welcome back
Can you reach out to your parents, school or a doctor. I know it's hard, but it's not a good idea to keep this a secret.
You're not a horrible person. YOU matter and you need to tell someone, so that they can help you help yourself.
Have you tried making a list of SH distractions yet?
If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.
*big hugs*
Take care and stay safe.

 

[imalone]

I tried telling my mum about my depression a bit ago but she never really talked about it since or did anything. I'm not good at distracting myself, I usually try to draw my feelings or write music with my guitar but it ends up me drawing something or writing something that's makes me cry even more. Thank you so much, it means a lot to me, no one has ever said that I mattered, everyone usually leaves me or I end up isolating myself and pushing them away. I'm not good at talking or making friends, I usually just explode into a fit of crying when I opened up to my friend.
Thank you so much, it really means a lot to me

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

@imalone
Can you make a doctor's appointment for yourself?
What about a trusted teacher at school?
In the self harm section there is a sticky thread of distractions. Have you tried colouring or maybe watching youtube videos.
What about writing everything down and giving it to someone?

 

[imalone]

@imalone
Can you make a doctor's appointment for yourself?
What about a trusted teacher at school?
In the self harm section there is a sticky thread of distractions. Have you tried colouring or maybe watching youtube videos.
What about writing everything down and giving it to someone?

I wouldn't know what to do about taking to a doctor, I'd be too scared and not sure about what to say. I have thought of sending one of my more trusted teachers a note but I'm too scared to do it. I occasionally watch YouTube but I usually end up typing in something to make me cry for some reason. I might try writing everything down but I'm not sure who I trust to give it to. Thank you for the help and advice, I really appreciate it

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

I wouldn't know what to do about taking to a doctor, I'd be too scared and not sure about what to say. I have thought of sending one of my more trusted teachers a note but I'm too scared to do it. I occasionally watch YouTube but I usually end up typing in something to make me cry for some reason. I might try writing everything down but I'm not sure who I trust to give it to. Thank you for the help and advice, I really appreciate it

I told a GP that I SH, it's something that they have heard before. It's nothing new to them. You can do it, I know that I felt relieved after I told someone. You can write it down and give it to a doctor, your mom and/or a teacher. Just as long as someone knows.

 

[imalone]

I told a GP that I SH, it's something that they have heard before. It's nothing new to them. You can do it, I know that I felt relieved after I told someone. You can write it down and give it to a doctor, your mom and/or a teacher. Just as long as someone knows.

Thank you for everything, I might try writing a note and plucking up the courage to give it to someone. Thank you. I know I need to tell someone but its hard for me to talk about this sort of thing.

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

Thank you for everything, I might try writing a note and plucking up the courage to give it to someone. Thank you. I know I need to tell someone but its hard for me to talk about this sort of thing.

You're welcome. I know that it is hard, but it's something that you need to do for YOU. I believe in you!! What about printing or copying this thread?

 

[ThePhantomLady]

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time.

You certainly need to see a doctor about getting some help hun. You deserve it, like kcho said, you do matter!

I myself have often, especially when I was younger avoided seeking help because I felt I couldn't speak up.
Writing down what is going on, why you need help and give it to your doctor would be a good idea.

Keep trying to find ways to distract yourself from SH. Make yourself a list of what works... sometimes what works changes. Writing sometimes works for me, sometimes I need to paint, other times I need to listen to very loud music, other times I need to crochet. Mostly it works if my fingers are busy.

Please take care of yourself! s*

 

[imalone]

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time.

You certainly need to see a doctor about getting some help hun. You deserve it, like kcho said, you do matter!

I myself have often, especially when I was younger avoided seeking help because I felt I couldn't speak up.
Writing down what is going on, why you need help and give it to your doctor would be a good idea.

Keep trying to find ways to distract yourself from SH. Make yourself a list of what works... sometimes what works changes. Writing sometimes works for me, sometimes I need to paint, other times I need to listen to very loud music, other times I need to crochet. Mostly it works if my fingers are busy.

Please take care of yourself! s*

Thank you for trying to help me, I really appreciate it. I know I should tell someone but I'm not the best at showing my feelings as I always worry that everything I do will have a negative impact. I will try to distract myself but I'm not exactly strong (mind-wise) so it makes things difficult as I can break-down easily. Thank you again so much.

 

[Petal]

Looks like you're having trouble with your past returning to be your future, remember your thoughts may not be factual. That is very important. Sure you have been through a lot but know you are not alone in this. We are all here for you and I think that friend of yours is trying to make you open up, maybe it is a blessing in disguise, maybe talk to her and help each other?
You can always message me if you find you have no one to talk to! Big hugs and please stay safe.