Why do we hate ourselves so much we want to die?
- Thread starter Magalee
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Hi @Magalee and @Thauoy - I started a long reply on this subject last night but I couldn't properly articulate what I wanted to say. Around a year ago due to a death in my family I had to have contact with people I hadn't seen or spoken to in many years by my own choice. These people made my childhood hell. I had been doing well for many years then the instant these people were back in my life my mental health deteriorated to the point where I ended up on this site as a lot of us did. Combined with workplace bullying I was enduring at the time I sank to the lowest point I have ever been at. My point being the damage done in childhood is always there - I had just buried it so deep and I never realised where my self-hatred came from. Last week I got an abusive message from one of these people from my past and it was word for word what I have been saying to myself all these years - that I'm a disappointment, that I should be ashamed of myself and so on. Now I know where these thoughts came from - I didn't put them there. Someone else did. No one is born hating themselves - that feeling is implanted by others. We should protect those that are vulnerable not discriminate against them or plant the seeds of self-hatred and anger in them. As adults we are responsible for how we respond and react to situations but children are moulded by their environment. Now that all these family issues are resolved these same people have made their parting shots and shown they will never change their evil ways. I will never let them back in my life again.
I am realizing that I have hated myself since I was a child and I do not know where it came from. I can remember some things in my late teens and then then my 20's that kept it going but I don't have a clue where it started. It's ruined my marriage because I've never dealt with it. I go to my second therapy session this week and hopefully it's not too late to change how I made her feel about herself, but I'm more scared that it is indeed.
Its possible you have no conscious memory of actual traumatic events, as often happens to trauma victims. It's all to to with the 'freeze' response to threats, which affects memory processing. This article explains how this happens: http://www.traumatransferencesyndrome.com particularly the section BURIED BUT NOT FORGOTTEN: HOLDING ON TO THE TRAUMA. This could also explain your physical symptoms like shaking and crying because the memory of trauma is held in the body, even if not consciously recalled.
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Hi @Clair - thanks for sharing. Really interesting reading about the freeze state and cellular memory. It makes sense how a traumatic event won't be stored in your memory but still exists on a cellular level. Often we know something happened but we can't recall it and yet it still holds us back.
Its also thought that trauma victims exist in constant 'flight or fight' mode thereafter, subconsciously scanning the environment for threats. This leads to overproduction of the stress hormone, cortisol, which not only reinforces the brain pathways which activate in response to triggers, but also disrupts the normal levels and balance of neurotransmitters dopamine, noradrenaline and serotonin, leading to lack of motivation, and generally low mood. Trauma also sensitizes victims to the distress of others in a way (via so called 'mirror neurons') that makes them reproduce it within their own mind/ body as if it was their own experience. This again reinforces the stress/ cortisol mechanism.
Makes me wonder how many people on SF who say they have been depressed/suicidal since a young age are actually the victims of unconscious and unresolved trauma.
Makes me wonder how many people on SF who say they have been depressed/suicidal since a young age are actually the victims of unconscious and unresolved trauma.
Good to hear this, Magalee. Keep at it until it becomes your habitual response. I'm still reading up on it, but one thing I learned was that self compassion works on the physiological level by disrupting the stress/cortisol mechanism which reinforces the neural pathway created by the original trauma. You really are rewiring/reprogramming your brain to eventually automatically activate the feeling of compassion or loving kindness for yourself whenever you feel distress 
Somehow I never saw this until today. Yes, it's implanted when we're small and becomes such a part of us we don't remember where it came from. I am dreading the day my mother dies, because all my abusive siblings will suddenly resurface and the thought of being around them fills me with fear and dread. Thanks for sharing your experience and hope you are well.
Hope this doesnt mean you are guilt tripping yourself again @Fudgewobble, because there are external factors and influences which prevent otherwise loving parents from raising their kids as they would have wished.
I know Clair and I'm really trying. It just hit me when I read your quote that people come on this forum with such pain and overwhelming self loathing often due to the damage don't by the adults in their life. We comfort and reassure them and support them because they have, as you said above, been damaged at a young age and this causes life altering consequences.
So, I acknowledge I am one of those damagers and the responses are, it's not your fault. Mixed messages. So the parents of all the people here who hurt their children are also not to blame? So confusing and I think I'm getting this all wrong. Been worrying me for a few days now.
So, I acknowledge I am one of those damagers and the responses are, it's not your fault. Mixed messages. So the parents of all the people here who hurt their children are also not to blame? So confusing and I think I'm getting this all wrong. Been worrying me for a few days now.
. I think many of the people here were outright abused by those who were supposed to love and care for them. As you sound like a very, loving and caring mom, who did not cruelly abuse your son, or recklessly disregard his welfare, but were yourself abused and bullied by various males in your life, I think your belief that you destroyed your son's life is exaggerated.
As I said on the other thread, it concerns me that blaming abused women, rather than their abusers, for damaging their children's lives, revictimizes the victim. Historically women have received no help to escape emotionally and physically from abusive partners because there was an imbalance of power between men and women in society generally. Even in more recent times, many women are still dependent on men who mistreat them, and resources to help them become fully independent are not adequate.
As I said on the other thread, it concerns me that blaming abused women, rather than their abusers, for damaging their children's lives, revictimizes the victim. Historically women have received no help to escape emotionally and physically from abusive partners because there was an imbalance of power between men and women in society generally. Even in more recent times, many women are still dependent on men who mistreat them, and resources to help them become fully independent are not adequate.
It certainly helped me forgive my mum when I understood the wretched life she endured and how it affected her decision to not protect me. In most other ways she was a loving mum.
The forgiveness came so late in her life and I grieve those lost years because we shared so many of the same interests in art and craft and a thirst to learn. Guess that's why I am trying to not wait so long to have an honest relationship with my son.
Learning that I can only control my actions now and not his is important.
The forgiveness came so late in her life and I grieve those lost years because we shared so many of the same interests in art and craft and a thirst to learn. Guess that's why I am trying to not wait so long to have an honest relationship with my son.
Learning that I can only control my actions now and not his is important.
That must have been very difficult. I'm not sure very many could forgive someone who knowingly ignored they were being regularly abused by a pedophile. I think her neglect is of a different order than your own parenting deficiencies. He probably sees you as a caring mom who did her best in difficult circumstances.
I understand you want a better relationship with your son, but you said yourself he doesn't feel you've done anything to be forgiven for.
I understand you want a better relationship with your son, but you said yourself he doesn't feel you've done anything to be forgiven for.
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