Why should a person like me live?

#1
I am almost 30 and unemployed. My experience of life has never been that great. I am really shy, introverted, anxious, very pessimistic and an extremely negative thinker. I have no idea what I should do in life and I have no real interests. I have never been in love, never been in a relationship, never even kissed someone. Most importantly, I am unwilling to change. And I know that unless I change something, my life won't change on its own. An example of this is: I haven't been studying/preparing for any interviews. In fact, I shudder at the sound of my phone's ringtone now since I am scared of interviews. I have stopped participating in group texts with my friends because the question of my job hunt might come up. It is for the same reason I avoid relatives.

My simple question to the community is this: Why should a person like me continue to live? Isn't the best option for such a person is to end it?
P.S: I am not going to go through with it because: (1) I can't do that to my family, (2) I'm too much of a coward.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
Hi there. Welcome to SF. I like your name.

You should continue to live because you don't know for sure what's out there for you. Yes, it's hard to change. But that doesn't mean you deserve to die. You're having a hard time, and when you're in the thick of that it's hard to see straight, to see through.

You have friends and family who care about you. Clearly they see something in you. I'm sorry it's hard to see it in yourself. *hug
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#3
Hi there, I also like your user name.
So you say you're unwilling to change. That's pretty insightful. Lots of people here are unwilling to change but they don't know it. Do you know why you're unwilling to make any changes? (Just wondering how far this insight stretches)
The best option isn't to end it, I do know that. We all have an intrinsic value that in inside us just by being here, by being human and living. You have alternatives to dying. Let's see if we can see what those are together, okay?
 
#4
Hi there. Welcome to SF. I like your name.

You should continue to live because you don't know for sure what's out there for you. Yes, it's hard to change. But that doesn't mean you deserve to die. You're having a hard time, and when you're in the thick of that it's hard to see straight, to see through.

You have friends and family who care about you. Clearly they see something in you. I'm sorry it's hard to see it in yourself. *hug
True, I can't say for sure what the future holds, but I have almost 30 years of experience with myself. With that experience, I can make a calculated guess about how much can things change in the future.

I might be having a hard time now but even when I'm not, there's nothing much to look forward to, nothing feels truly satisfying, nothing that makes want to do the grind.

Friends and family do care but even they will expect that I make an effort to do something about my situation. And as I said, I just don't even want to put in the effort to change. I'd rather take laziness and misery over doing something. In that case, I am just being a burden on them, taking food and shelter from them. Why care for a person who doesn't even care for himself?
 

Sonder

Zen out
SF Supporter
#5
Have you ever thought that perhaps all the Gloom about you are not the real you?
There are usually very valid explanations for why we do not look after ourselves, have avoidance tendencies are socially inept etc.
Once we identify the origins of our gloom we then know what to work with.
You seem highly clever and insightful, have a look at the following link... try to identify possible reasons for where you currently are in life and find help. Sometimes we need a bit of help before we are capable of helping ourselves.

https://www2.hse.ie/conditions/mental-health/clinical-depression/clinical-depression-symptoms.html
 
#6
Hi there, I also like your user name.
So you say you're unwilling to change. That's pretty insightful. Lots of people here are unwilling to change but they don't know it. Do you know why you're unwilling to make any changes? (Just wondering how far this insight stretches)
The best option isn't to end it, I do know that. We all have an intrinsic value that in inside us just by being here, by being human and living. You have alternatives to dying. Let's see if we can see what those are together, okay?
I am unwilling to change because change requires effort and I refuse to put any. I'd rather be lazy and miserable than work hard or just even work.

Humans might have intrinsic value but why should they keep suffering because of it.
 

Sonder

Zen out
SF Supporter
#7
Then is seems you currently enjoy who and what you are and that it is not worth changing. Then do not feel pressured to change.
If you have a roof over your head and food on your plate and all bills are paid, you have no incentive to change or do anything or even get out of bed if you do not want to.
With depression comes fatigue. with fatigue comes stagnation, with stagnation comes depression and all the feelings of being useless.
The most important things that you are suppose to do are the things you want to do the least.
Depression is controlling you mentally and physically. If you do not handle depression you have not hope in hell to handle a new job or much else.
Who you are now, is not the real you. Once you get a grip on depression the real you will start to appear. I strongly suggest you speak to your GP and take it from there.
 
#8
Then is seems you currently enjoy who and what you are and that it is not worth changing. Then do not feel pressured to change.
If you have a roof over your head and food on your plate and all bills are paid, you have no incentive to change or do anything or even get out of bed if you do not want to.
With depression comes fatigue. with fatigue comes stagnation, with stagnation comes depression and all the feelings of being useless.
The most important things that you are suppose to do are the things you want to do the least.
Depression is controlling you mentally and physically. If you do not handle depression you have not hope in hell to handle a new job or much else.
Who you are now, is not the real you. Once you get a grip on depression the real you will start to appear. I strongly suggest you speak to your GP and take it from there.
Thanks for sharing info on clinical depression earlier.

I do not for a second enjoy who I am and my laziness to do nothing. The problem with not changing anything is that it adds to the misery. I myself and everyone around me, even my parents will start to think that I am wasting away my life and time (which I am).
As for this person not being me, I think it is inaccurate. This is me, maybe a more extreme, desperate version, but me nonetheless.
Finally, about taking medical help, that's completely out of the question. I am not going to do it. Firstly, it's expensive. Secondly and most importantly, I am not going to talk to a stranger about all this. I don't even discuss these things with my parents. This is why I crawl over the internet to look for answers.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#9
Looking around the internet for answers is certainly a thing but the answers are really all inside you. There are tried and true things that are proven to increase levels of happiness that don't cost you a cent.
Others, like medication, are only a few dollars a month. Plenty of antidepressants are $10 or less a month. If it keeps you alive then that seems worth it, yes?
 

Sonder

Zen out
SF Supporter
#10
You could have a chemical imbalance in your brain and all it needs is a €60 a month pill to help you rewire your brain.
You might after a few weeks of medication discover a completely different you.

Other possible alternatives to medication is exercise. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC474733/

Personally with my fatigue I could not even think of exercise never mind doing it.... I still think I was/am lazy and/or useless but less so now with medication and there is progress albeit slowly.

Personally for me, without medication I would not have a hope in hell to even attempt change and the possibility of me being dead by now without medication would be very high.

I hate medication. I hate asking people for help, I hate even more having to admit and share a vulnerability. What I hate even more is being weak.
Weak to ask for help, weak to bury ego and pride, weak to take a pill, weak to be so depressed.
So one step at a time.

See fixing you as an personal challenge from yourself to yourself. :)
Brainwash yourself, reprogram the way you think, I don't know, think of what ever excuse you have to make to do something different.
or

be happy where and who you are, make a cup of coffee, have a beer and enjoy existence

or embrace change,

or just relax and enjoy the moment

or bla bla bla

-... my screwed sense of humor coming through. Let me look for a poster...... :)

7b42f3373b2c36b5ba8dcb76e1242c41.jpg
 
#11
See fixing you as an personal challenge from yourself to yourself. :)
Brainwash yourself, reprogram the way you think, I don't know, think of what ever excuse you have to make to do something different.
or

be happy where and who you are, make a cup of coffee, have a beer and enjoy existence

or embrace change,

or just relax and enjoy the moment

or bla bla bla

-... my screwed sense of humor coming through. Let me look for a poster...... :)
Enjoy Existence. Probably the only thing that requires no effort from me. Will try to remember it. Quite certain it won't work for long. Worthlessness will surely come back. And asking for help is just not going to happen. I will not do it. Anyways, as I said I am too afraid to do it. Hopefully if the situation festers long enough, I will someday have the courage to go over the edge. Thanks to everyone for taking the time.
 
#12
Sorry that you are going through this
I am unwilling to change because change requires effort and I refuse to put any
I was once in the position of not really wanting to get better, and not having the energy to do it even if I did. I had, however, developed a habit of trying to eat primarily freshly cooked whole foods served warm. Even if I didn't have something freshly cooked, I still avoided anything raw or served cold. I think this may have helped me, and it's rolling-off-a-log easy to do. So maybe something like that could help?
 
#13
Sorry that you are going through this

I was once in the position of not really wanting to get better, and not having the energy to do it even if I did. I had, however, developed a habit of trying to eat primarily freshly cooked whole foods served warm. Even if I didn't have something freshly cooked, I still avoided anything raw or served cold. I think this may have helped me, and it's rolling-off-a-log easy to do. So maybe something like that could help?
I used to be overweight. 3 years ago, I was able to reduce it. So, my diet is fine. I walk for a total of 2 hrs in a day. That's how i reduced weight and that's how I still try to keep it under control.

I don't think everyone needs to live. I didn't need a life, didn't ask for it, just got it. I genuinely don't want it. I don't care for it. I'd much rather have no experiences at all than having a few negative ones. Weak, lazy, stubborn...whatever people might attribute to me, it's ok. I just don't care for life.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#14
True, I can't say for sure what the future holds, but I have almost 30 years of experience with myself. With that experience, I can make a calculated guess about how much can things change in the future.

I might be having a hard time now but even when I'm not, there's nothing much to look forward to, nothing feels truly satisfying, nothing that makes want to do the grind.

Friends and family do care but even they will expect that I make an effort to do something about my situation. And as I said, I just don't even want to put in the effort to change. I'd rather take laziness and misery over doing something. In that case, I am just being a burden on them, taking food and shelter from them. Why care for a person who doesn't even care for himself?
What do you think would help your situation? It seems to me the first thing is to stop blaming yourself. Self-hatred makes everything else harder, and gives you that feeling that you aren't worth the effort.
 

Lane

SF Pro
SF Supporter
#15
I am almost 30 and unemployed. My experience of life has never been that great. I am really shy, introverted, anxious, very pessimistic and an extremely negative thinker. I have no idea what I should do in life and I have no real interests. I have never been in love, never been in a relationship, never even kissed someone. Most importantly, I am unwilling to change. And I know that unless I change something, my life won't change on its own. An example of this is: I haven't been studying/preparing for any interviews. In fact, I shudder at the sound of my phone's ringtone now since I am scared of interviews. I have stopped participating in group texts with my friends because the question of my job hunt might come up. It is for the same reason I avoid relatives.

My simple question to the community is this: Why should a person like me continue to live? Isn't the best option for such a person is to end it?
P.S: I am not going to go through with it because: (1) I can't do that to my family, (2) I'm too much of a coward.
Hi @Merchant of Gloom. I read your post with interest and thank you for posting.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I can answer correctly but I want to try.

You asked, "why should a person like you continue to live?"

You mention that you're introverted and shy. I dont see those as negative qualities but positive. You are probably insightful, which I gather from the way you write. My close friends IRL are gentle and shy, some of them and one of my 2 sons as well.

The job thing will come. You have many work years ahead of you. It's probably more important to get stronger in your own mind anyway. I think that in every stage of life there are challenges with one's self and with friends or social life. I just dont think you should give up because you dont sound like a bad person.

I hope that you can post more here and learn on the good people here for support. *hugtackles
 
#17
What do you think would help your situation? It seems to me the first thing is to stop blaming yourself. Self-hatred makes everything else harder, and gives you that feeling that you aren't worth the effort.
I genuinely have no clue about what could help my situation. As for things like anxiety and self-doubt, I've always had them. It's built-in and I can't switch it off. The loser mentality has always been there, it's just the past couple of years I realized that there's a way out. There's no point in prolonging the misery when you understand who you are.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#18
There's no point in prolonging the misery when you understand who you are.
The thought you're a loser is just a thought, but the real self is prior to any thought. All thoughts, good and bad, come and go, but the one in whom thoughts arise remains ever present and unchanging. You are not your (changing) thoughts and identifying yourself with any of them blocks you from recognizing who you really are, your centre.
 
#19
Hi @Merchant of Gloom. I read your post with interest and thank you for posting.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I can answer correctly but I want to try.

You asked, "why should a person like you continue to live?"

You mention that you're introverted and shy. I dont see those as negative qualities but positive. You are probably insightful, which I gather from the way you write. My close friends IRL are gentle and shy, some of them and one of my 2 sons as well.

The job thing will come. You have many work years ahead of you. It's probably more important to get stronger in your own mind anyway. I think that in every stage of life there are challenges with one's self and with friends or social life. I just dont think you should give up because you dont sound like a bad person.

I hope that you can post more here and learn on the good people here for support. *hugtackles
Even I don't see shyness and introversion as negatives. But, they're not very helpful out in the real world where you need to engage with people.

The job thing might happen but it could be like the first job that I did for 2 years and quit 4.5 years ago. I was good at it and absolutely hated it. That was the first time I searched for suicide methods on the internet. Before that, it was just about running simulations in my head of me committing suicide. I don't think there will be a job where I find myself satisfied, forget excited. Also, since I've had gaps, I will get something with less pay. Everyone, including me, will compare it to what my friends are earning. They're all in the workforce since 2013, they've had promotions, even they will think I have stayed behind. It's not the right way to think, but that's the kind of thinking I've got.

I think that I know myself well. I think I understand how my brain works. I remain miserable even after that because I think I probably like being down and negative. I really think there is no way out. Job or no job, the brain won't change, it refuses to change.
 
#20
The thought you're a loser is just a thought, but the real self is prior to any thought. All thoughts, good and bad, come and go, but the one in whom thoughts arise remains ever present and unchanging. You are not your (changing) thoughts and identifying yourself with any of them blocks you from recognizing who you really are, your centre.
Yes, I am not my thoughts, but thoughts are powerful. I have tried to meditate and work on what you're saying but it didn't work for me. And I stopped doing it because it was doing nothing. In fact, I felt like I was just wasting time. Nothing changed in me. I also understand that meditation needs to be done for its own sake. But, I just don't care. I don't know how to explain this, but I don't want it, any of it.
 

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