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Cant see a future because of this...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dyreal95, Oct 28, 2017.

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  1. Dyreal95

    Dyreal95 Member

    Sorry for my bad english. I am a 23 year old boy who have had suicidal thoughts for about 6 months now. I have always had low self esteem, but it have just gotten worse and worse the last couple of years, because of some bad choices i have made. It started 3-4 years ago where i would go on online webcam sites and masturbate in front of people. I was often high or drunk while i did this, and i think I did it to fill out the emptiness in my life. I did it a lot for over a year, but then I found a girlfriend and stopped getting high. 18 Months ago i suddenly got very paranoid, because i thought someone could have recorded me, and put it up online. It turns out i was right. After searchin some time i found some videos of me masturbating with face and Everything. Since then i have been depressed and cant move on... I Feel ashamed and gross. I Feel that people will judge me and think im a pervert. My friends says nobody will find the videos, and that nobody cares... I Feel like this will never go away, because it may belong to the past, but to me it also belongs to the present, Because those videos are online and immortal on the internet, and Will never go away. I dont wanna go outside, because i am afraid someone will regonize me from those videos. I just cant live like this... my girlfriend left me, Because she cant handle my suicide thoughts anymore... She was all i got, i loved her so much. I just want it all to go away. I wish i never went on webcam, but now i see no way out of this... I just want to die and stop the pain, please help
     
  2. Fernando!

    Fernando! Active Member

    people always make mistakes. you did not kill anyone, you did not steal, you did not harm anyone. you learned what to do and it's over. now do not look to back and you make peace with mistakes.
     
    Supernova likes this.
  3. It is hard. But there is nothing to be ashamed of! This is your past, you can't change it. In fact, it made you grow in some way. And you got over drugs which is also pretty admirable , you are so strong. Your past doesn't define you. I'm so happy that you have friends and girlfriend, and what's even better- you didn't hide your past and they understands and supports you. We all did some stupid shit in the past. And it does affect us in many ways but being stucked is a lot worse. You've already went this far, you can become the person you want to be.
    I honestly think you can.
     
  4. PaladinofKnights

    PaladinofKnights SF Supporter

    Yo, things like that die out eventually ur friends are probably right. I can imagine it would be embarrassin though and I'm sorry that happened to you. Are you takin any medication or doin anythin to distract yourself from all this?
     
    BarryW likes this.
  5. Dyreal95

    Dyreal95 Member

    I have been on medication, but i didnt like it... I feel like i dont care about anything on medication. I have also been talking to a psychologist, but it just feels like it doesnt help much. I know i just need to stop caring about it, but i just can't...
     
  6. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    You could try asking the sites where these vids are posted to remove them, or hire a professional takedown service https://gizmodo.com/how-to-get-your-sex-tape-off-the-internet-1608480712. I think it's also illegal to publish this content without your consent so if you know who did so you could take legal action against them to prevent them doing so in future.
     
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  7. Dyreal95

    Dyreal95 Member

    Those sites are from other countrys with another law and stuff like that, i have tried researchin it, and og seems like an imp
     
  8. Dyreal95

    Dyreal95 Member

    I meant to say: it seems like an impossible task to get it all taken down...
     
  9. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    If they are in the European Union states, they would certainly be violating your right to privacy under the European Convention on Human Rights. I'm not sure of applicable law in the US or elsewhere, but have you tried contacting the website/s to ask them to take down the videos, pointing out that they were uploaded without your consent? It's worth trying, I think
     
  10. Malin

    Malin Falling in and out of sleep.

    It must be really tough for you and I am sorry that your past mistakes bring you so much sadness today.

    Sadly I don't think there's much to do than accept that this is how it is. I mean the only think I know you could do is contact the sites that the video is on and ask them to take it down and maybe they will.. but for most part I think it's a thing you'll have to accept.

    It is very unlikely anyone would recognize you from those kind of videos, if it's not someone who finds you extremely attractive and so remembers your face very well.

    I would suggest going to a therapist to get help working your way past this. I saw that you said you've already tried but changing to another one might help.

    We all make mistakes and no one should judge you for this. Youre not alone.
    But please do try another therapist who you feel that you trust, together with support you can find a way. And you can always send a message if you just need to write your anxiety and worries down to someone.
     
    BarryW likes this.
  11. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Join the ranks of millions upon millions of guys doing this. Do believe anyone do not care unless you became famous. You are young and made a rookie mistake, if someone asks you about it, just blame the naive nature of being young guy and leave it as it is.

    Just don't want to make it worse but you can laugh it off as well too if you want its your remorse and learning from this mistake and moving on from it to make you a wiser person you are now.

    Take Care
     
    Supernova likes this.
  12. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    Hello dyreal,
    There is a phenomenom on the internet. One day, something is a big deal. A week later, nobody cares anymore because something new happened. I understand it would feel very scary to have this out there. But it's not like the videos are on professional business sites like google's home page. The only people that would find that video, are people looking at things that they would probably not want to start a conversation with you about. So I think you are pretty safe.
    It's unfortunate that your girlfriend left you. But you need to surround yourself with people who can handle your suicidal thoughts. You will find these people if you keep looking my friend.
     
  13. OrangeBanner

    OrangeBanner Member

    Is it possible to embrace the notoriety instead of trying to run from it?
     
    Dyreal95 likes this.
  14. Babe, it really doesnt matter much to the world something that right now means the world to you. Trust me, no one actually cares about all the good you did but just some weary little things you did otherwise. Yes, it scares you to death what will happen if they find out and what not, but do all those people watching you at that time in the past come from some other planet? No! Vices live amongst us and reside within our own bodies. Darkness doesnt become light if you wear a cape. Embrace yourself the way you are , the world doesnt care much beacuse all are busy hiding their own darkness. Stay healthy, stay blessed, for you are. :)
    Hope this helps.
     
    Malin likes this.
  15. Dyreal95

    Dyreal95 Member

    Sorry for my bad english. I am a 23 year old boy who have had suicidal thoughts for about 6 months now. I have always had low self esteem, but it have just gotten worse and worse the last couple of years, because of some bad choices i have made. It started 3-4 years ago where i would go on online webcam sites and masturbate in front of people. I was often high or drunk while i did this, and i think I did it to fill out the emptiness in my life. I did it a lot for over a year, but then I found a girlfriend and stopped getting high. 18 Months ago i suddenly got very paranoid, because i thought someone could have recorded me, and put it up online. It turns out i was right. After searchin some time i found some videos of me masturbating with face and Everything. Since then i have been depressed and cant move on... I Feel ashamed and gross. I Feel that people will judge me and think im a pervert. My friends says nobody will find the videos, and that nobody cares... I Feel like this will never go away, because it may belong to the past, but to me it also belongs to the present, Because those videos are online and immortal on the internet, and Will never go away. I dont wanna go outside, because i am afraid someone will regonize me from those videos. I just cant live like this... my girlfriend left me, Because she cant handle my suicide thoughts anymore... She was all i got, i loved her so much. I just want it all to go away. I wish i never went on webcam, but now i see no way out of this... I just want to die and stop the pain, please help
     
  16. Klb1990

    Klb1990 Member

    EVeryone makes mistakes, yours don’t have to be your end. I’m no doctor, but I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for a very long time now and it sounds to me like you may have both. I would urge you to find help through professional counseling and possibly medication. Don’t give up on yourself. There are much, much worse mistakes that you could’ve made.
     
    Dawn likes this.
  17. Dawn

    Dawn Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome! I apologize for not responding sooner. So sorry u are going through all of this. I know regret really is hell. Like Kib said u could have made much much worse mistakes, but I can understand why u are upset about this. One good thing is u have your youth and can change things and still have a good life. Please try to stay here even though I know it is so hard. No one will probably ever find the videos but I understand why it is so distressing to u. But I don't think that if ever anyone did find out that they would be too judgemental about it. I know that breakups are hard to go through. Even though it feels like it won't get better, in time it will help and u will find someone else eventually who will love u with warts and all. Please try to stay. Wish u the best and hope u get to feeling better. Feel free to PM me anytime u would like to talk. Take care
     
  18. Dyreal95

    Dyreal95 Member

    Sorry for my bad english. I am a 23 year old boy who have had suicidal thoughts for about 6 months now. I have always had low self esteem, but it have just gotten worse and worse the last couple of years, because of some bad choices i have made. It started 3-4 years ago where i would go on online webcam sites and masturbated in front of people. I was often high or drunk while i did this, and i think I did it to fill out the emptiness in my life. I did it a lot for over a year, but then I found a girlfriend and stopped getting high. 18 Months ago i suddenly got very paranoid, because i thought someone could have recorded me, and put it up online. It turns out i was right. After searchin some time i found some videos of me masturbating with face and Everything. Since then i have been depressed and cant move on... I Feel ashamed and gross. I Feel that people will judge me and think im a pervert. My friends says nobody will find the videos, and that nobody cares... I Feel like this will never go away, because it may belong to the past, but to me it also belongs to the present, Because those videos are online and, and Will never go away. I dont wanna go outside, because i am afraid someone will regonize me from those videos. I just cant live like this... my girlfriend left me, Because she cant handle my suicide thoughts anymore... She was all i got, i loved her so much. She was the only person who really understood me, but now she is taken distance from me, to make her own life better. I love her and i am happy that she is happy, but this is so hard... And i think she has found a new guy. The only person i could talk to and i felt loved me for who i am, dont want to talk to me anymore. I have tried different psychiatrists, but nothing helps. My thoughts becomes darker and darker, and i feel more and more lonely. I had big dreams and always dreamed about making music. Now i can't because i am afraid that will just raise the chances of the videos getting found. I can't get over what i have done, and i am so afraid someone will find it all the time. I just want it all to go away. I wish i never went on webcam, but now i see no way out of this... I just want to die and stop the pain, please help
     
  19. Kolisar

    Kolisar SF Supporter

    Hi @Dyreal95 . Let me start out by clearly stating that I am not a lawyer, nor do I have any legal training whatsoever, so I have absolutely no qualifications to make any of the following statements.

    I do not know where you live, or what website you found the video of yourself on. I believe that in the US, and other countries, there are laws against "revenge porn", or posting explicit pictures or videos of someone without their consent. If you can find out where the website is hosted, check into similar laws in that country. You may be able to contact the website and request that the video be removed. If there is a similar law in the country where the website is hosted, they will probably take it down.

    If it cannot be taken down, after you get closer to your girlfriend, tell her. You probably do not want her to learn about the video from someone else. If you tell her you can frame it in the emotional state you were in and that will give you the best chance of her understanding.

    I wish you luck, please let us know what happens.
     
    Lulabelle likes this.
  20. Dyreal95

    Dyreal95 Member

    Thank you for the answer, it means a lot to me. I have tried to write to the site, but they dont answer. It seems like a hard thing to get removed. If it get removed i dont think it would help a lot though, because i dont know if its been copied to other sites or if there are even more videos out there.
    As i wrote, my girlfriend has left me... so we are not together anymore. She knows about the videos and she didn't care. She just couldn't take my suffering anymore, so she had to leave me. Both her, my family and some of my friends know about it, so it is not because i don't have anyone to talk with about it.
    The problem is not that she or anyone else has to understand and accept what i have done, the problem is that i cant accept it and forgive myself.
     
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