And that is totally practical. I know people encourage others and help them. I don't know if I wanted that, or maybe I do want that and just can't admit that to myself. I had a bad childhood and I wish things were different. I was suicidal over my childhood, yes. My dad was a monster, a true narcisist. An evil man. Who now claims to be a christian, a pillar to a small town community.
I don't live with my parents anymore, but I am still miserable. The night terrors, the sleep paralysis, sleep walking, my black outs. It is like there is two people in me and neither of them is beautiful.
Th' little broken girl and the adult broken girl. I used to dissociate a lot, black out. I would be severely violent in the black outs but I never remember when I come out of them.
Last year, I had my first sex abuse flashback. I was so confused. I remember everything my dad did to my mother; drowning her, raping her in front of my sister and I. So why did I not remember sex abuse?
But the flashback is real, they all are and the way I have to dress in baggy clothes, make sure my chest won't bounce, hide my body, squeeze shut my eyes when he is near, I look back and think HOW THE FU*K could I not remember earlier?
I waited a while before telling my mother and sister (she is two yrs older)
and they did not believe me. My mom messages me on FB often, saying "{you know he'd never do those things to you" true deep brainwashed. I think he brainwashed my sister too.
Can you imagine a man who killed my pets as a child , a man who did numerous things, a man who now says he is a christian - being a good christian man - being taken up for my people who ... the ONLY people I have ever loved truly. My own family. My sister, who raised me.... I spent my first christmas and birthday without them last year... I sat here alone doing art. Art I have no interest in, the only thing I took joy in.
And I have not left the house in months, I can't see a future for me. I have no friends and now no family. it is so dark here
I don't live with my parents anymore, but I am still miserable. The night terrors, the sleep paralysis, sleep walking, my black outs. It is like there is two people in me and neither of them is beautiful.
Th' little broken girl and the adult broken girl. I used to dissociate a lot, black out. I would be severely violent in the black outs but I never remember when I come out of them.
Last year, I had my first sex abuse flashback. I was so confused. I remember everything my dad did to my mother; drowning her, raping her in front of my sister and I. So why did I not remember sex abuse?
But the flashback is real, they all are and the way I have to dress in baggy clothes, make sure my chest won't bounce, hide my body, squeeze shut my eyes when he is near, I look back and think HOW THE FU*K could I not remember earlier?
I waited a while before telling my mother and sister (she is two yrs older)
and they did not believe me. My mom messages me on FB often, saying "{you know he'd never do those things to you" true deep brainwashed. I think he brainwashed my sister too.
Can you imagine a man who killed my pets as a child , a man who did numerous things, a man who now says he is a christian - being a good christian man - being taken up for my people who ... the ONLY people I have ever loved truly. My own family. My sister, who raised me.... I spent my first christmas and birthday without them last year... I sat here alone doing art. Art I have no interest in, the only thing I took joy in.
And I have not left the house in months, I can't see a future for me. I have no friends and now no family. it is so dark here
