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. I'd ask if I should end it, but people say no

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#1
And that is totally practical. I know people encourage others and help them. I don't know if I wanted that, or maybe I do want that and just can't admit that to myself. I had a bad childhood and I wish things were different. I was suicidal over my childhood, yes. My dad was a monster, a true narcisist. An evil man. Who now claims to be a christian, a pillar to a small town community.
I don't live with my parents anymore, but I am still miserable. The night terrors, the sleep paralysis, sleep walking, my black outs. It is like there is two people in me and neither of them is beautiful.
Th' little broken girl and the adult broken girl. I used to dissociate a lot, black out. I would be severely violent in the black outs but I never remember when I come out of them.
Last year, I had my first sex abuse flashback. I was so confused. I remember everything my dad did to my mother; drowning her, raping her in front of my sister and I. So why did I not remember sex abuse?
But the flashback is real, they all are and the way I have to dress in baggy clothes, make sure my chest won't bounce, hide my body, squeeze shut my eyes when he is near, I look back and think HOW THE FU*K could I not remember earlier?
I waited a while before telling my mother and sister (she is two yrs older)
and they did not believe me. My mom messages me on FB often, saying "{you know he'd never do those things to you" true deep brainwashed. I think he brainwashed my sister too.
Can you imagine a man who killed my pets as a child , a man who did numerous things, a man who now says he is a christian - being a good christian man - being taken up for my people who ... the ONLY people I have ever loved truly. My own family. My sister, who raised me.... I spent my first christmas and birthday without them last year... I sat here alone doing art. Art I have no interest in, the only thing I took joy in.
And I have not left the house in months, I can't see a future for me. I have no friends and now no family. it is so dark here
 

Brian777

Safety and Support
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#2
Hi sierrasnider555, I'm so sorry you went through such trauma. Hopefully you will be able to meet some people here that have gone through similar abuse. Have you thought of getting some help in dealing with your past, maybe your doctor or a therapist would help you start the healing process.
Welcome to the forum, please take care of yourself.
Brian
 
#3
Welcome to the Forum.

It's common to repress painful memories at times. If they are now resurfacing it may really be a good idea to get a professional to help you work through them, especially since you don't yet have your family's support. Please don't suffer it alone.

Sometimes people become religious, but they don't actually take any steps to address the wrongs they have done before, so it can be even more painful seeing people "respect" him so much. Not Christian, but I have had to endure watching people who have severely wronged me be praised publicly...while I know them as a monster.

I've also had quite a bit of sleep paralysis--I haven't in some time now *knocks wood*. I know how scary it can be, though I did learn to not allow myself to get too afraid and just 'know' it would pass soon.
 
#4
Oh honey, you are a strong confident person. You got yourself out of the pain and the horror that should have been a happy place and with people around you that should have protected you and took care of you and loved you. We all handle trauma or abuse in our lives differently and you handle yours through forgetting. Which is normal. I have a friend whose daughter was sexually abused for a year at the age of 10. She never told her Mom until she was in her 30's, and since her Dad has died she speaks of him as if he was a saint. He was a "proclaimed" Christian and perhaps he was saved, only God knows the heart of another person. But a counselor told her Mom that was how she was dealing with the pain of what her "Daddy" did to her. She forgive him but will never forget. You do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Get in a support group and find some good friends, go back to school or college and look toward your future. Don't allow what happened to you to cause you to lose your faith in others. Your Mom & sister are only dealing with their pain the only way they can right now to survive, don't be so hard on them. Get out of the house, find a nice little coffee shop or go to the library and draw while your there. Talk to others around you, learn to trust again.
 

DrownedFishOnFire

Back into the wild where I belong. Out of your way
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#5
Hope you are getting the help you need to process all of this stuff.

Memories are sure very weird appearing at random times.

Take care
 
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