If you feel you are worthless, then change it.

[Dante]

When you are depressed you can often feel worthless, you look at your life and the lives of those around you and see that you don't matter, and often when you are depressed you withdraw so completely that you have already taken yourself out of the world so taking that last step and ending it all wouldn't make much of a difference.

If you really feel this way then change it; depression can mess with your mind a lot, but it cant completely obscure cold hard facts, so do something so important that you can always point at it and say, "I feel worthless, but I did this, and that has real worth".

When I was first depressed at university, I thought of killing myself on a daily basis and withdrew almost completely, I even made my councilor cry just by describing my day (I still feel more proud of that than I should) but through all this my sister was suffering at home from a father who, well, lets be honest, bullied and beat her all the time. Because my dad was so unfit, my mum had checked out mentally and my brother is a self-absorbed **** it fell to me to look after my sister every time she felt down or needed help, even though I was going through hell myself.

This was so emotionally draining and she continued to lean on me for the next 7 years, but as difficult as it was to carry my problems and hers, every time I felt like the world would be a better place if I died, I could think of my sister and say "no, if I died she would have no one to help, I am needed here" that thought alone is so incredibly valuable for someone going through depression, the knowledge that though you may not feel it, you are needed and you are valuable.

So if you feel worthless, if the whole world feels like shit no matter what and you plan to kill yourself anyway, then it cant hurt to use your life a little before its over and make a difference. Damn this world and damn everyone in it, but before you go you will help just 1 person who truly needs it, 1 person who means something, ANYTHING to you, before you end your life, save theirs, and then realize what you just did, you have the power to change things, no matter how much it hurts you can still make a difference, even if its just by being there for someone in need.

I am incredibly proud of my sister and my part in her life and it continues to be a crutch I lean on, whenever I feel bad I help her with something and I feel so much more valuable and validated because I have made a difference to someone who matters, and that can be something you can rely on too, find someone who needs help and help them, if you have given up on your life then spend your energies, no matter how limited on theirs, and then you will earn your value, you will not be worthless, no matter what depression may make you think you will know the truth every time you see that person do well. They will be the proof of your worth.

I know this isnt nearly as powerful or inspirational as it sounded in my head but it really is such a powerful tool for overcoming that feeling of worthlessness, for proving to everyone, especially yourself that you do matter, and with the world as self centered as it is, all so many people need is for someone to simply try.

 

[Wallace]

What do you do when you can't save that one person who means everything to you? Only watch them slowly circle the drain?

 

[Dante]

For a while my sister was just circling the drain, but I was there for her for whatever she needed, sometimes just to talk through the night so she wouldnt feel the urge to hurt herself, it took many years for her to start getting better but she did, who is it that you know who is circling the drain?

 

[Wallace]

My mother. She developed fibromyalgia and went through a messy divorce at about the same time. My dad is a deadbeat on the alimony payments, and we have to go back to court every few years. She's okay now, just gets tired really easily, and still working at the age of 65. She deserves better than life has given to her, and I wish I could do more.

 

[Dante]

You do something, which by the sounds of it is more than most, so take comfort in that and look out for any opportunity which can let you make a bigger difference, in the end even if you cant save the person you want to you can at least reduce their suffering as much as possible which is a worthy cause in my opinion, however, as I said, my sister was circling the drain, it sounded for a while like she may kill herself, but the world is funny and chaotic, just as you are never safe from disaster, hope is also never dead, so don't accept an outcome that hasnt happened yet because in a world where everything can change in the blink of an eye, nothing is over until it is over.

 

[Wallace]

When the world keeps sending you messages that you're worthless, you start to believe them after a while. And I've had my share and then some. When I try to think of a purpose or meaning for my life, I draw a blank. When I try to think of a way to get from here to there, I don't have the resources.

 

[Dante]

That sounds a lot like me first time I was depressed, I got through it because I am inhumanly stubborn and when all else shuts down I carry on through autopilot because I refuse to lose.

I suppose that stubbornness is my saving grace, every member of my family suffers from impossible stubbornness that manifests one way or another, in some its a bad thing, in others, its useful.

I suppose you just need to find that motivation to keep moving even if its not in any specific direction at first, I know exactly what you mean by resources though, I am right now trying to achieve a goal despite current depression and anxiety and I really am struggling to manage with limited emotional resources, but I have found that every time you think you are finished you find a little extra in the tank, always less than before, but never entirely empty.

We are stronger than we think we are because in the modern age we are rarely pushed to our limits so we never know where they truly lay, so when we are pushed and think we will break we often find that, no matter how empty we feel, there is often a little left right at the very end to keep going.

 

[Wallace]

My goal is to get a job. I regularly get doses of false hope that keep me going a little while longer before crashing me hard again. It's painful.

 

[Dante]

Your goal is the same as mine, and I admit I am struggling too, so I know that pain at least, I wish you luck.

 

[someguyfrommars]

To the OP i think most people TRY to change it,depression hits when you try over and over and nothing works.I'm in a situation where i been looking for a job but no luck.I have no car,no money,no id(i can't drive due to my disability but its getting better)so transportation has been a problem and the people i live with treat me like crap,and it seems like if i say anything im on the verge of getting kicked out but of course i wouldn't leave without a fight and get killed.

 

[spacecowboy]

Easier said than done. I was abused as a child by my grandmother. And every morning she drilled into my head that I was a worthless "sexual act performed on a man". Real nice thing to be saying to your 6yr old grandson. It stuck. My mother never knew. I to this day have never said a word to her about it. The only one that knows is my brother, because he was there and witnessed it. He witnessed the verbal and physical abuse. I still pack emotional scars and have some PTSD 50yrs later.

It's amazing that stuff didn't turn me into either an alcoholic or a drug addict.

 

[Dante]

The title was supposed to get people's attention, but the actual posts is talking about making an objective difference in someone else's life as a way of providing undeniable evidence to yourself that you do have value, and using that objective evidence to try to contradict those feelings of worthlessness, I wasnt suggesting its just a matter of "feel better" I know all to well its not that easy, but its hard to argue with objective evidence, so no mater how worthless you feel, if you have managed to make a real and observable difference in someone's life so that if you werent there their life would be worse, then that is something that I have found to be a real rock to hold onto in tough times.

 

[SunShine1973]

Thank you for this inspirational read really enjoyed reading it