No matter how many people compliment me or my work, or tell me I matter or have skill in something. I'll never believe it. I'll never be good enough for myself.
I can't draw well or write well. The characters I make and the ideas I have are all awful, all I do is just copy ideas from other people. I can't play any games well, I can't socialise well, I don't even read books anymore. I can't sing, or dance, and my music taste is awful. I'm a hypocrite and I never accept advice. I can't even do basic tasks on my own, like making food, washing myself, or getting dressed, without help from my mother. I'm just a burden to my friends and family, I worry them all the time, and then I feel better and say I'll "get better" only to make it even worse again with the next mental breakdown. I'm toxic and an awful friend and twist people into thinking I'm a good person. Even in things there's no real way to be 'good at', I still manage to screw them up somehow!
I know, I know, you guys will say, "I'm sure you're not all those things you said." and I appreciate it! I know you guys are just trying to help. But I won't ever be able to believe that I'm a good person. And even if I have good days where I think I am, I'll always get back into a slump of dark thoughts eventually.
I'm a failure. My only purpose on this planet is to help my friends, and I can't even get that right. I just stay alive because I don't want to hurt my friends or even cause a death too. And also, as I stated in my story post, I'm afraid of dying, though that fear has been lessening.
Every. Day. it gets worse. And whenever I go to the doctor they just repeat the same garbage over and over, the meds don't work, I'm an idiot and don't follow advice and if I do it doesnt work....honestly, I'm wondering what's the point at all.
Sorry for rambling. I'm just struggling tonight. And in general. It won't stop getting worse, and I'm so, so exhausted.
I can't draw well or write well. The characters I make and the ideas I have are all awful, all I do is just copy ideas from other people. I can't play any games well, I can't socialise well, I don't even read books anymore. I can't sing, or dance, and my music taste is awful. I'm a hypocrite and I never accept advice. I can't even do basic tasks on my own, like making food, washing myself, or getting dressed, without help from my mother. I'm just a burden to my friends and family, I worry them all the time, and then I feel better and say I'll "get better" only to make it even worse again with the next mental breakdown. I'm toxic and an awful friend and twist people into thinking I'm a good person. Even in things there's no real way to be 'good at', I still manage to screw them up somehow!
I know, I know, you guys will say, "I'm sure you're not all those things you said." and I appreciate it! I know you guys are just trying to help. But I won't ever be able to believe that I'm a good person. And even if I have good days where I think I am, I'll always get back into a slump of dark thoughts eventually.
I'm a failure. My only purpose on this planet is to help my friends, and I can't even get that right. I just stay alive because I don't want to hurt my friends or even cause a death too. And also, as I stated in my story post, I'm afraid of dying, though that fear has been lessening.
Every. Day. it gets worse. And whenever I go to the doctor they just repeat the same garbage over and over, the meds don't work, I'm an idiot and don't follow advice and if I do it doesnt work....honestly, I'm wondering what's the point at all.
Sorry for rambling. I'm just struggling tonight. And in general. It won't stop getting worse, and I'm so, so exhausted.