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Trapped in an Endless Cycle

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lightning05

Well-Known Member
#1
I'm so unhappy. Over the past few months I have been juggling school with weekly exams and assignments, a full time job, and an internship. In another month I have to take national board exams to get licensed in my career. I have been trying to stay off of SH for a while to see where I was mentally and emotionally and for a short period of time when I was trying abilify and therapy I felt better. I had to stop abilify because it helped with my depression but ended up giving me anxiety and panic attacks. My therapist wouldn't even listen to me anymore. She just kept pushing drug after drug even though I told her I've had substance abuse problems in the past and do not want to rely on medication to help me. Besides, all of the meds I have been trying have ended up working against me after some time. I stopped seeing her so I have been out of therapy and off of meds for about a month.

I run about 3-4 times a week and the exercise helps me as well as writing poems and in my journal. But I am overwhelmed and I feel this constant and endless loneliness. Lately I have been crying ALL THE TIME. I feel so lonely that it is physically making me hurt. I hate it so much. I have a few good friends but we all live a distance from each other and everyone is so busy trying to juggle everything they have going on in their lives that we don't see each other that often. I feel like I can't get any satisfaction out of anything that I do. I feel hollow and empty and like every day I am just on autopilot to make it through. I am so good at pretending to be happy that no one at work or my parents (who I live with) and even some of my close friends can't see the immense emotional pain that I am in every single day.

I am going through an endless cycle of suicidal ideation. It gets really bad to the point where I almost hospitalize myself (but am too scared of being locked up) and then I get out of it and feel better. Repeat. I am falling back into depression right now and the suicidal ideation is slowly creeping up. I have felt so lonely and so sad for so long sometimes I wonder if it would be better to kill myself than to keep going through this.

One last thing. I had been dating someone for a few months and they recently told me that the whole time they've had a girlfriend. On top of everything else that has been happening and that I have been feeling, that betrayal is pushing me to the edge. I feel so hurt and stupid and very guilty, even though I did not know. I talked to his girlfriend and she broke up with him. Both of us were so angry that he did that to us and led both of us on.

I feel trapped in my emotions, loneliness, and my living situation. I feel like I am on the verge of breaking and every single day I have to tap into all of my strength just to get to the next day. I'm exhausted. Thank you for whoever reads this extremely long post.
 

Eves

Well-Known Member
#3
I'm so sorry. It sounds like a very stressful time. The amount of stuff you've got going on would take a lot out of anyone. You don't always need to pretend to be happy because that can break even a strong person. I know it probably must feel that it should be pretty obvious to the people around you how much stress you're under but it's amazing how oblivious people can be. I hope there are some supportive people around you (family, friends, work) that you can open up to because everyone could do with a little help from time to time.
 

lightning05

Well-Known Member
#4
Thanks @Rockclimbinggirl and @Eves for your responses. I can't really cut back on work but school will be over in a few more weeks which will reduce my stress and running around. I'm really just trying to hang in there and fight.

I have a couple of good friends who know is going on but I am finding it hard to open up because I don't want to sound like a broken record or a downer.
 

memyselfand1

University Student
#5
Sorry to hear you are struggling so much, have you considered speaking to psychatrist or your family doctr about how how you are feeling and see if they can offer you some support or perhaps focus on your studies and career and on't don;t worry too much on loniness. You always have us on here.
 

Eves

Well-Known Member
#6
Just keep thinking about how much better things will be when school finishes up. Will you be going back after New Year? Also, some workplaces are really good at providing support to employees who are studying. Maybe it's something you can look into.

You seem like a really nice person not wanting to burden your friends with your problems but I'm sure they'd much prefer you to share these things rather than keep them bottled up inside. Maybe they have things they want to share with you as well. That's one of the nice things about being friends with someone :)
 

lightning05

Well-Known Member
#7
I'm graduating in the middle of December but I will be taking those exams after the new year. I can schedule them at my own convenience though, so that's less pressure than having a set date and I can take my time to study a little. I'm so glad to have found SF and be able to talk here. I had a talk with one of my friends last night so I feel a little bit better.
 
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