I'm so unhappy. Over the past few months I have been juggling school with weekly exams and assignments, a full time job, and an internship. In another month I have to take national board exams to get licensed in my career. I have been trying to stay off of SH for a while to see where I was mentally and emotionally and for a short period of time when I was trying abilify and therapy I felt better. I had to stop abilify because it helped with my depression but ended up giving me anxiety and panic attacks. My therapist wouldn't even listen to me anymore. She just kept pushing drug after drug even though I told her I've had substance abuse problems in the past and do not want to rely on medication to help me. Besides, all of the meds I have been trying have ended up working against me after some time. I stopped seeing her so I have been out of therapy and off of meds for about a month.
I run about 3-4 times a week and the exercise helps me as well as writing poems and in my journal. But I am overwhelmed and I feel this constant and endless loneliness. Lately I have been crying ALL THE TIME. I feel so lonely that it is physically making me hurt. I hate it so much. I have a few good friends but we all live a distance from each other and everyone is so busy trying to juggle everything they have going on in their lives that we don't see each other that often. I feel like I can't get any satisfaction out of anything that I do. I feel hollow and empty and like every day I am just on autopilot to make it through. I am so good at pretending to be happy that no one at work or my parents (who I live with) and even some of my close friends can't see the immense emotional pain that I am in every single day.
I am going through an endless cycle of suicidal ideation. It gets really bad to the point where I almost hospitalize myself (but am too scared of being locked up) and then I get out of it and feel better. Repeat. I am falling back into depression right now and the suicidal ideation is slowly creeping up. I have felt so lonely and so sad for so long sometimes I wonder if it would be better to kill myself than to keep going through this.
One last thing. I had been dating someone for a few months and they recently told me that the whole time they've had a girlfriend. On top of everything else that has been happening and that I have been feeling, that betrayal is pushing me to the edge. I feel so hurt and stupid and very guilty, even though I did not know. I talked to his girlfriend and she broke up with him. Both of us were so angry that he did that to us and led both of us on.
I feel trapped in my emotions, loneliness, and my living situation. I feel like I am on the verge of breaking and every single day I have to tap into all of my strength just to get to the next day. I'm exhausted. Thank you for whoever reads this extremely long post.
I run about 3-4 times a week and the exercise helps me as well as writing poems and in my journal. But I am overwhelmed and I feel this constant and endless loneliness. Lately I have been crying ALL THE TIME. I feel so lonely that it is physically making me hurt. I hate it so much. I have a few good friends but we all live a distance from each other and everyone is so busy trying to juggle everything they have going on in their lives that we don't see each other that often. I feel like I can't get any satisfaction out of anything that I do. I feel hollow and empty and like every day I am just on autopilot to make it through. I am so good at pretending to be happy that no one at work or my parents (who I live with) and even some of my close friends can't see the immense emotional pain that I am in every single day.
I am going through an endless cycle of suicidal ideation. It gets really bad to the point where I almost hospitalize myself (but am too scared of being locked up) and then I get out of it and feel better. Repeat. I am falling back into depression right now and the suicidal ideation is slowly creeping up. I have felt so lonely and so sad for so long sometimes I wonder if it would be better to kill myself than to keep going through this.
One last thing. I had been dating someone for a few months and they recently told me that the whole time they've had a girlfriend. On top of everything else that has been happening and that I have been feeling, that betrayal is pushing me to the edge. I feel so hurt and stupid and very guilty, even though I did not know. I talked to his girlfriend and she broke up with him. Both of us were so angry that he did that to us and led both of us on.
I feel trapped in my emotions, loneliness, and my living situation. I feel like I am on the verge of breaking and every single day I have to tap into all of my strength just to get to the next day. I'm exhausted. Thank you for whoever reads this extremely long post.