I have what is referred to as pre-verbal trauma. The extent of it is unknown, but the initial incident was being abandoned at birth. This particular kind of trauma there are no words associated with it. It's just an empty darkness and sadness that comes from the very core of my being. I can't explain it any other way than to say that. It often strikes out of nowhere. No trigger necessary. Hard to fathom, I'm sure. Once I was just playing a game. Mood was fine then out of nowhere I just crashed. I crashed long and hard. It was that unspeakable darkness, sadness and emptiness that consumed me. It's been identified as the pre-verbal trauma at work.
I don't know the circumstances around my abandonment, but I was told that I wasn't wanted. My adoptive mom told me that, but as it turned out she didn't want me, either, even despite the fact she adopted me. She may have chose me (actually my 'dad' did), but she never accepted me. I've paid a very heavy price for it, too.
She told me when I was 5yrs old that I was adopted, and when she finished explaining what she could she said, "So while you're a part of this family, you're not technically family." Some could think that maybe it was just a poor way of wording it, but I'm afraid her actions 100% supported her statement throughout my entire life until she died. And since then my brother and father have picked up where she left off without even knowing they're doing it. They adored her so fiercely I'm not about to be able to change their minds. They're not the type to be wrong anyways. You know the type?
For years upon years I would tell myself positive things about myself (despite the fact I've never amounted to anything), and I would remind myself that they just weren't taking the time to see or appreciate them. For a really long time it was that kind of talk that kept me going, but I'm afraid the emotional and mental beatings from them plus reinforcement of the childhood messages from those in a position of trust outside of the 'family' in recent years have finally taken their toll.
So not only was I rejected by my birth family, but I grew up living in rejection by my adoptive family, too. Guess you could say I struck out not once but twice when it came to parents. Aren't I the lucky one? I think it would have been difficult enough to suffer it from the set of one parents but two? How could one not take at least some degree of it personally? I realize it's on both sets of parents, but unfortunately I've had to pay for it. I'm the one not worthy enough to be loved or treated with respect.
Literally being abandoned creates a whole different world of issues that unless a person has actually experienced it there is no way for one to understand - even when it's spelled out for them. It's a difficult concept to fathom for most and understandably so. Much like it is for mental health actually. How often I read here that unless people have actually experienced it themselves it's difficult for those who haven't to grasp it. Abandonment, like mine, is the same way.
I've also experienced multiple other forms of trauma throughout the years. Thankfully I have words for those, but they all seem to reinforce all the crap messages I received from birth onward. I think it's safe to say that I've just grown tired of having to spend my life, time and energy trying to correct the damage others have done. I'm a strong person for having endured all I have, but my endurance has waned. I'm 47yrs old now, so it's not like I'm a youngster who's barely just begun. I've been at this for a long time. I simply don't have it in me anymore to keep fighting. I'm exhausted beyond belief, and simply can't do it anymore.
