It's a struggle right? Some days I feel like no matter what I do I'm fucked. Some days I feel like maybe I might be able to work through this. Trying to explain to someone what it's like in my brain seems impossible. Do people understand me? Maybe they do, maybe they don't. I don't really have the answers here. I'm just as lost as anyone else.
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BPD Support Thread
- Thread starter Aurelia
- Start date
Lost my best friend (favorite person). I cannot believe it. I miss her so much, I cared about her so much. I feel like I am never going to meet someone as loyal, sweet, caring, as her. She was so good. The sadness I feel, the emptiness; feel abandoned and rejected. This illness is so brutal. BPD ruins everything in my life. I feel like an orphan or a dog that nobody wants in some shelter.
I feel like I'm fucked, almost every single minute of every day. I hate myself. I wake up crying, just dreading getting out of bed to face the day. Sleep, the precious little decent, that I get is the only thing that is really tolerable. I want to permanently sleep. I want God to take me home, whether that's to heaven or hell. I just want out of this life. There is no recovery, for me anyway, from this illness. I just want all the pain to stop. I need to figure out how to extinguish what is left of myself. I can't go on.
I don't have any self esteem. And I can't bear the isolation and loneliness much longer. I'm probably the wrong person to listen to, because I'm sure this disorder is going to kill me. I just hope it's soon. Never mind the Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or the complex, compounded PTSD...BPD is the one that's going to ultimately finish me off.
I remembered I once took a BPD test online one year ago and I remembered it is appear at early adulthood? I know I shouldn't believe in those test entirely though, although it said I have.
I'm sending you hugs and...you are strong. I hope more and more people will understand how you feel and help you. Then the world will be not as cold as now.
I'm sending you hugs and...you are strong. I hope more and more people will understand how you feel and help you. Then the world will be not as cold as now.
Thank God there is decent healthcare in Canada. But the system is still very flawed, and the stigma against this disorder is just completely rampant. There is talk of this disorder eventually being re-categorized to something new in the next DSM. Hopefully, that helps. I have a friend who's a psychologist, and another who is a psychiatrist, and they have both said that the personality disorders in general, are going to be getting a big makeover. Wonder when the next DSM is due to be published...
We read the symptoms of this disorder online, but what do they really mean?
This is for anyone who is confused about whether they might have BPD or not, this is basically the gist of it:
- The one thing we are probably most afraid of is being abandoned by someone we love.
And in our minds, the idea of abandonment isn't necessarily just, "Fuck you; I'm leaving you forever". It could be something as simple as a romantic partner or friend choosing to spend time doing something else without us. The immediate thought there is: "Why? Why are they choosing to be without me? Why am I not good enough for them to spend time with?" There are more examples that I could give, but hopefully, this makes sense.
- Desperate attempts to avoid abandonment. Begging someone not to walk away from us, begging for someone's attention or affection, threatening to harm ourselves or others if they leave or ignore us, hiding their keys or other belongings so that they can't leave, etc.
- A lot of us can't keep a job to save our lives. We start commitments and projects out strong, and end them just as strongly (or abruptly) as we started. This is often because we get bored easily and tired of the same routines.
- We often feel as though we have no purpose in life, like there's a deep, gaping hole inside us that we need to fill with romantic relationships, new friendships, new hobbies and projects, sex, drugs and alcohol, self-harm, binge-eating, and other reckless, impulsive behaviors.
- Everything we feel is intensified about tenfold compared to what someone without BPD feels. When we're angry, we're furious. When we're anxious, we're panicking. When we're in love, that person is the center of our world.
- We also tend forgive and forget quickly. Our emotions change frequently depending on what's going on in the moment. If the person we were furious at and felt like we hated a moment ago apologizes, we're right back to loving them like nothing happened.
- We don't recognize our own worth and often need others to validate that they love and care for us. Reassurance and emotional comfort is something we always both crave and expect.
This is for anyone who is confused about whether they might have BPD or not, this is basically the gist of it:
- The one thing we are probably most afraid of is being abandoned by someone we love.
And in our minds, the idea of abandonment isn't necessarily just, "Fuck you; I'm leaving you forever". It could be something as simple as a romantic partner or friend choosing to spend time doing something else without us. The immediate thought there is: "Why? Why are they choosing to be without me? Why am I not good enough for them to spend time with?" There are more examples that I could give, but hopefully, this makes sense.
- Desperate attempts to avoid abandonment. Begging someone not to walk away from us, begging for someone's attention or affection, threatening to harm ourselves or others if they leave or ignore us, hiding their keys or other belongings so that they can't leave, etc.
- A lot of us can't keep a job to save our lives. We start commitments and projects out strong, and end them just as strongly (or abruptly) as we started. This is often because we get bored easily and tired of the same routines.
- We often feel as though we have no purpose in life, like there's a deep, gaping hole inside us that we need to fill with romantic relationships, new friendships, new hobbies and projects, sex, drugs and alcohol, self-harm, binge-eating, and other reckless, impulsive behaviors.
- Everything we feel is intensified about tenfold compared to what someone without BPD feels. When we're angry, we're furious. When we're anxious, we're panicking. When we're in love, that person is the center of our world.
- We also tend forgive and forget quickly. Our emotions change frequently depending on what's going on in the moment. If the person we were furious at and felt like we hated a moment ago apologizes, we're right back to loving them like nothing happened.
- We don't recognize our own worth and often need others to validate that they love and care for us. Reassurance and emotional comfort is something we always both crave and expect.