Can't say anything

[eleanorhikari]

I'm living in Japan at the moment.
I tried to commit suicide in late February <mod edit>
Obviously, I failed.
I'm 21 and a student and live alone.
But I haven't talked about it to anyone.
I told people not to visit me in hospital, or if they did come I told them I was in there for a different reason.
I want to talk about it to someone because I've been thinking about doing it again, in a very calm way, and it's starting to scare me.
When I tried last time I remember feeling so calm about everything. I barely even considered what I was doing, I just was switched off and taking a trip down memory lane by myself in a dark room <mod edit>
I want to talk about the way I'm feeling again but I can't even tell people I tried in February because I'm scared it will push my friends and family away, make me seem ungrateful. And then I'll be even more alone. But not telling them I'm also lying to them every day by pretending I'm happy and doing fine and moving forward.
When really I just feel crushed pretty much every day and pathetic and can't beat the mountain of problems I've created for myself in my life.
If I tell my boyfriend will I just freak him out and push him away?
I can't even put this is words but if there's anyone that feels remotely similar, please even share your thoughts with me or if you have any advice....
I'm all ears

 

[Petal]

Hi there and welcome to the forum hun. I am so sorry that you are in distress, just know you are not alone. My advice to you would be to see your doctor and see what they think is the best course of action regarding medication or therapy. You need to talk to someone and let it all out. You don't have to tell your boyfriend you are suicidal, maybe just play it down a bit at first and tell him you are feeling down in yourself and go from there. You're not selfish at all or ungrateful, depression is an illness just like a heart condition so don't feel like your feelings aren't valid, s* I'm always around if you just want a chat.

 

[ThePhantomLady]

Welcome to the forum @eleanorhikari

I'm very sorry to hear you had an attempt, and that you feel this way now.
I agree with everything @Petal said in regards to treatment, and talking to your boyfriend.

You are in control of what you tell people, but I think you do need to open up, if only a little with someone who cares; let someone be there for you.

Please know you can always use this forum or the chat room here as well to talk to people, and my inbox is always open!

 

[eleanorhikari]

Hi there and welcome to the forum hun. I am so sorry that you are in distress, just know you are not alone. My advice to you would be to see your doctor and see what they think is the best course of action regarding medication or therapy. You need to talk to someone and let it all out. You don't have to tell your boyfriend you are suicidal, maybe just play it down a bit at first and tell him you are feeling down in yourself and go from there. You're not selfish at all or ungrateful, depression is an illness just like a heart condition so don't feel like your feelings aren't valid, s* I'm always around if you just want a chat.

Thank you for the kind reply...
I also always had the feeling that, you know, everyone feels down at times, and in the past when I've spoken to friends about feeling low and when I used the word 'depressed' most people came back with the reply that my life is much better than so many other people's, and that it was probably just hormones or a passing phase I would get over really soon.
I never liked calling the way my emotions are an 'illness' because I always figured that's just me, and who I am.... And I don't want to be defined as an 'ill' person.... And I also am worried about taking medication and that being the 'norm' for me....but recently it's become this detrimental to my everyday life I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm not normal, and maybe I am sick?
It's just so hard to try and pinpoint it too because sometimes I'm the happiest, most positive person ever for a period and then I'll wake up the next day feeling nothing but despair and like I'm floating in the bottom of a heavy sea with nothing I can do and no one to talk to.
Sorry for the ranting. It feels kind of nice to even write something on here where someone can read it.
Thank you again

 

[eleanorhikari]

Welcome to the forum @eleanorhikari

I'm very sorry to hear you had an attempt, and that you feel this way now.
I agree with everything @Petal said in regards to treatment, and talking to your boyfriend.

You are in control of what you tell people, but I think you do need to open up, if only a little with someone who cares; let someone be there for you.

Please know you can always use this forum or the chat room here as well to talk to people, and my inbox is always open!

Thank you also for your kind words. I'll try and find a way of starting small and easing the idea in... It was just so hard even in the hospital with everyone so confused about why I was there... I don't know what it was but I just couldn't tell any of these people who I know care about me and love me... It would be kind of like a kick in the teeth to feel like your friend couldn't lean on you and resorted to suicide... But like I said above though when I even mentioned the word 'depressed' it got beaten off like some really typical slang word, and I was told that I'll be fine the next morning when I wake up, or if I just 'try not to think too much about things'...
I'm really not sure how to start the subject with them...(´･_･`)

 

[ThePhantomLady]

Sometimes depression becomes an overused term, and people don't take it seriously. Sadly. You should try talking to them, especially if you get some treatment, that you have an actual illness and it's not not just 'a few days of being a bit down...'.
When you're ready, give your friends a chance to understand you, especially your boyfriend. It's important to have the support from someone that close to you.

Personally my boyfriend knows everything (though I admit I sometimes pretend to be feeling better than I am...). When we met I wanted him to leave before he got too attached so I told him my story... He's an awesome support. He's helping me through therapy and gives me so much strength.

I am not saying tell all at once, like I said, I did that with mine to scare him off... go slow... but you should open up to him. If he is there for you, he's an awesome guy!

 

[Petal]

if I just 'try not to think too much about things'...

If only it was that easy we would all be cured. I hate when people say expressions like that or ''snap out of it'', ''get over it'', there's starving children in Africa and so on...
I am sorry that those around you do not understand, unfortunately there is a huge stigma against mental illness. Try starting the conversation by seeing a therapist and they can advise you on how to tell the people you love how you are really feeling. You are very brave to be posting here, that's your first step on your road to recovery, well done!