Hi @Dyreal95 . I apologize for not reading well enough to recognize the actual problem. Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone has done things that they are not proud of. If I read your original post correctly, you were often high or drunk while you were on the webcam. So, you were taking drugs and drinking, probably a lot, during that time. Both affect your ability to think clearly, and to understand the consequences of your actions. And, I am guessing, you were not in a great emotional state when you started drinking and using drugs. Yes, you made some bad decisions, but in your defense you were not in a good mental state at the time, and the drugs and alcohol interfered with your ability to make wise choices. But, it was a mistake. You did not set out intentionally to do something that would cause yourself emotional stress and shame. You were not thinking clearly. You have to forgive yourself. You need to move on from this. You need to pursue your dream of making music. You cannot put your life on hold because of a mistake, because of a lapse in judgement. It may become problematic for you in the future, and it may not. But you cannot stop living just because of a possibility. Every time you drive in a car there is a chance that there could be an accident. Every time you fly in an airplane there is a chance a major component could fail. Yes, you do those things.
I am rambling, but you have to realize that what you did was a mistake, it was not intentionally done to hurt yourself, and you were not of a clear mind when you did what you did. You really should not blame yourself, and you need to forgive yourself. If our roles were reversed, and I was posting here telling a story identical to yours, would you not be telling me the same things I am telling you? Why would my case be different than yours? Forgive yourself. Live your life. Go make music.
I am rambling, but you have to realize that what you did was a mistake, it was not intentionally done to hurt yourself, and you were not of a clear mind when you did what you did. You really should not blame yourself, and you need to forgive yourself. If our roles were reversed, and I was posting here telling a story identical to yours, would you not be telling me the same things I am telling you? Why would my case be different than yours? Forgive yourself. Live your life. Go make music.
