Consumed by the darkness

[BlueHealingHeart]

****Triggering warning****

This will probably be my last post for awhile. I have severe depression and suffer with PTSD and low self esteem due to being abused for 3 and half years. I got out of a abusive relationship and I'm easily triggered by things. Everyone keeps suggesting that I go out and hang out with friends, but I'm a loner. I got no friends! My online friends are all I have right now. I abused drugs on and off since 2010. I was addicted to drugs too but I got myself clean recently in November of 2010. My ex boyfriend analy raped me. I've been crying all week, feeling sorry for myself and punishing myself. I don't even feel like eating, All I want to do is just sleep. I hardly take care of myself anymore or even take a shower. I'm slipping away. Know there's only so much someone can do for someone who suffers with depression and PTSD. People tell me they care...however this depression is so deep that I'm starting to believe that nobody cares about me. I hate myself and I feel like everyone hates me. My self esteem is so low. There's even people on here who used to talk to me and message me, but now they don't anymore. I feel like it's all cause of me...it's all my fault....I'm just a loser. My depression and PTSD did this. Everyone left me cause of it. I wish I could get myself out of bed and do something for myself, but I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I feel like I deserve to suffer. Everything my abusive boyfriend told me, I feel like it's all true. All I deserve is nothing but sadness. I don't deserve to be happy, smile or laugh. Eventually I'll end up dying from a heart attack or cancer cause of this. I heard stress can do a lot of damage to your body. All my life I've been depressed. I was sexually molested by my real dad at a very young age. I was 9 years old when he got arrested. Still remember when my father used to abuse my mother in front of me. Remember when he used to hit her and hear her sobbing. Now everyone is leaving me or acting differently towards me and it's all cause of me. Anytime i go in the chat, all I do is make people sad due to my problems. Right now I feel like disappearing. Don't plan on coming online anymore...on Facebook, instant messengers or Forums. Nobody can do anything for me anymore, I just rather be alone. Than I won't have to worry about being a burden on people or making people sad due to my problems. Cause that's all I am, a big burden on people. I depress people. There's only so much somebody can take. This darkness is taking over me, I'm slowly fading away and I doubt I'll ever come back and be happy again. The darkness is all I have anymore... now I'm slowly starting to feel numb and not care anymore. And I seriously doubt anyone will miss me when I disappear and won't come online anymore. It's not like anyone is going to come looking for me. Not doing this for attention seeking, this is honestly how I feel right now.. and I needed to get this out.....

 

[ravens]

hi I think it is important to love onself first and foremost. Love can come in many forms it does not always mean about how you feel or think about yourself. I consider eating healthy, exerciseing, showering and stuff a form of self love and I think the basics are a great place to start alongside the mental side. go easy on yourself!

 

[Unknown_111]

I apologise for the replying so late. I read your story and I it really made me cry as you have been suffering The hurt you feel everyday is not nice. Please from the bottom of my heart, do not plan anything as we need to help you as much as we can. Please take the virtual hand we offer to help you to move forward with your life. Please ,please , please keep posting here as you are important.

 

[sahel]

I am so sorry for what you are going through, and what has happened in your life. Nobody deserves to be sad and suffer, nobody. You cannot blame yourself and think that t's your fault. Because many of the things that you've written s not your fault, and even if you've made some mistakes, who hasn't? It's what everybody does now and then. You should take it easier to yourself, you are too harsh to yourself.
If you want to be alone for a while, it's your wish, but if you are doing this because of your concern about making others sad, you shouldn't do this. After all, people are here to help each other, and it's not possible without sharing our issues/problems. At least in this forum, this concern shouldn't stop you from sharing your problems, issues.

 

[ThePhantomLady]

I am so sorry to hear this. I really hope you do come back to see this.

You do matter hun. You're important and I know I do care about you. I am sorry if I have overlooked your posts or anything. It has got nothing to do with you!
What people have done to you is horrible. Again, NONE of that was your fault either. You should not have to punish yourself for what was done to you... (though I know what that's like... I have done that for so long myself).

Hun, are you getting any help? You really need help to deal with this. PTSD is hard to recover from but I promise it's not impossible. Therapy and medications can work wonders... but yes, it takes time. Please hun, I want you to fight. Don't let the monsters who hurt you win.

I do hope you come back and see this, I care hun. Please feel free to write to me any time.

 

[sadcat]

You need to remember all the love your family gave you when you were a child and that you are still a child as far as your soul is concerned - a child sent here to learn Love.

The people who have torn you down are not worth even considering. They are not worth your consideration at all. They are evil.

Sending you healing thoughts and hugs, Sadcat

 

[HBStrider]

I feel your pain and the dark place one can go. I also write to document and get out my feelings in a hope I can understand them or someone else can relate and give me a new perspective. All I can say is take little steps to make yourself feel better. I quite smoking cigars 3 weeks ago to help me towards feeling better physically and about myself. Is not easy but I committed to something. Try to commit to one little thing like getting up and showering. What ever can work for you.