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Practical Advice Getting over it or...?

#1
I'm back again after a while, hi i hope everyone's doing well, I'll try to summarize my situation and please help me if you been in similar situation or if you have an idea, cuz I'm kind desperate...


This is about a relationship I've been in for the past year, I met a girl back in Dec 2019 before everything went wrong in the world, we got close really fast, we had a lot of trouble in the road, we broke up many times... over short periods and the longest one was 2 weeks after about 3 months in our relationship, we broke up again on August 2020 and she blocked me (I posted about it before) she unblocked me about a month later (I noticed it idk when) I texted her on October 2020 asking how she's doing and stuff, she said she still loved me and we got back together on October the 15th, things were going good but for some reason we keep getting into fights that I don't even understand?

I told her back in October i wouldn't mind being friends but she was adamant that she still loved me and I won't lie i still had feelings, but I'm not sure if she actually loves me honestly, after a year of that relationship stuff I always felt like i was in an unknown place, sometimes i would really feel she loved me while other times it was plain dull and empty.

On Jan 25th we fought again and i was like i had enough because she really stirs fights out of nothing and it's affecting my mental health really bad, but again I don't feel well when we're apart either.

Our intimate relationship was good on the other hand, she said she was okay with "Being friends with benefits" instead of completely breaking up, I didn't know how or what to feel tbh
I zoned out for 2 days and didn't text her back and when i texted back she started getting mad and saying that i ghosted her but i just needed space to know how to feel and i just told her off because I didn't HAVE to reply to her since it wasn't even a relationship anymore. Now she unfriended me (Didn't block me like last time) but she didn't delete my number, anyways, this all happened 1 month ago and we haven't spoken since, what am i supposed to do now? It feels like she's always on my mind and i hate it

Do i keep my space and move on? Or do i text her and apologize for ghosting and express my feelings? This whole thing feels toxic and I am probably better off but I got exams in a couple of days and it feels like my life is on hold, someone told me here that If i'm not okay on my own then i won't be okay when i'm in a relationship and i agree, but I'm so depressed. You probably don't know how much it means to me but that relationship meant a lot even though it feels like she doesn't love me as much as i love her.

Sometimes i have to hold back on my love because of her negligence. I know this is not healthy but again I don't know what to do that's why i'm asking for your advice, put yourself in my shoes for a moment, 1 year relationship that felt special and different from other relationships, it is toxic and I'm well aware of that but i am depressed, it's already been a month and i don't feel like i'm over it. Will i move on if i stay distant? I keep checking up on her stuff tho and maybe that's what's keeping me attached, just please tell me what to do, thank you.
 
#2
Sorry that you're going through this.
someone told me here that If i'm not okay on my own then i won't be okay when i'm in a relationship and i agree, but I'm so depressed
Relationships that people can't live without always seem to lead to disaster. I'm not sure I know all the reasons why it's like that, but I've seen that here on SF so many times.

Does your school offer psychological counseling to students? That might be worth checking out. I think it's rare that people your age go to couples counseling, but that might be a possibility, or at least having one of you sitting in on the other's therapy session.

Maybe you could communicate that you love her but you think the relationship is toxic. Maybe if the relationship can be salvaged, you'll be able to get help to do that, and if it can't be, you can end the relationship about as well as you can.

This link has some information about treatment methods.

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Pain; Other Suicide Help

I hope something can help.
 
#3
Does your school offer psychological counseling to students? That might be worth checking out. I think it's rare that people your age go to couples counseling, but that might be a possibility, or at least having one of you sitting in on the other's therapy session..
I'm at college and it doesn't offer any support of that type where I'm from, I'm 21 and she's 25 btw

Maybe you could communicate that you love her but you think the relationship is toxic. Maybe if the relationship can be salvaged, you'll be able to get help to do that, and if it can't be, you can end the relationship about as well as you can..
We've both communicated with each other ironically that it isn't working due to many things being toxic but it doesn't go anywhere, so you're suggesting that i talk to her as i have nothing to lose if it's fixed then yay if not then whatever? I get your point but I fear that I might get more upset if i text her and she completely blows me off, I'll be in a state much worse than the one I'm in right now.

This link has some information about treatment methods.

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Pain; Other Suicide Help

I hope something can help.
Thank you for the referral
 

SaFa61947

Kaiser Franz
#4
As I read what you wrote, I couldn't find any reasonable explanation to end the relationship except the constant breakups and you don't seem to get along. If you think this relationship hasn't run its course, I say, give it a shot! Life is short.

Also try to remember that losing 1 year in a relationship isn't as bad as losing 2 or 3 years, and you should be studying... so.

There's plenty of fish in the sea maybe you can find a girl who's more chill and you two get along together. But if you still have feelings for this one, I say try it once more!
 
#5
so you're suggesting that i talk to her as i have nothing to lose if it's fixed then yay if not then whatever?
Well, I wouldn't put it that way. It sounds like you have fierce ambivalence about the relationship; it's clearly toxic, but she's also special to you. Working out some form of resolution sounds like it might be good in the long term.
I might get more upset if i text her and she completely blows me off, I'll be in a state much worse than the one I'm in right now
I think it's ok not to contact her now, and really not ever if you don't want to.

I'm at college and it doesn't offer any support of that type where I'm from
If you're in the US or Canada, calling 211 might help you find some low-cost or free therapy.

If you can't get therapy, there may be some good books you could read about relationships, I just don't know the name of any titles off hand.
 
#6
As I read what you wrote, I couldn't find any reasonable explanation to end the relationship except the constant breakups and you don't seem to get along. If you think this relationship hasn't run its course, I say, give it a shot! Life is short.

Also try to remember that losing 1 year in a relationship isn't as bad as losing 2 or 3 years, and you should be studying... so.

There's plenty of fish in the sea maybe you can find a girl who's more chill and you two get along together. But if you still have feelings for this one, I say try it once more!
I get what you're saying my friend, but the thing is, as i stated it is toxic and I'm well aware of that, I do have feelings but it was also affecting my mental health when we were together because we don't get along well as you said, life is short and i can text her anytime BUT as i stated above, if i text her and she blows me off I'll be in a mental state much worse than the one i'm in right now.

Well, I wouldn't put it that way. It sounds like you have fierce ambivalence about the relationship; it's clearly toxic, but she's also special to you. Working out some form of resolution sounds like it might be good in the long term.
We tried talking it through many times, it's always good on the short-term but on the long run everything goes wrong, you know? and she has that idea that her dignity would be scarred if she fights for me too much idk why, that's why she hasn't texted me after a month of the breakup.

I think it's ok not to contact her now, and really not ever if you don't want to.
yeah... sigh, that's the point, that's why i'm trying to think which is the better option, to cut ties right here and just let it end and feel miserable for god knows how long or try again (with the risk of being blown off and feeling even worse)

If you're in the US or Canada, calling 211 might help you find some low-cost or free therapy.

If you can't get therapy, there may be some good books you could read about relationships, I just don't know the name of any titles off hand.
Thank you i'll def use that advice
 
#7
You're welcome!
yeah... sigh, that's the point, that's why i'm trying to think which is the better option, to cut ties right here and just let it end and feel miserable for god knows how long or try again (with the risk of being blown off and feeling even worse)
It sounds like arming your self with some greater ability to deal with the problem is the only good option.
 
#9
It sounds like arming your self with some greater ability to deal with the problem is the only good option.
Thanks, I think I understand what you're trying to convey now, my question has no simple logical answer because each choice has it's consequences and I need to have a professional outlook on it.
Well you know what It's been a month and last time we broke up it was 2 months so i guess I'll take my time reading and grieving because to be honest with you this past month I've been avoiding my feelings instead of dealing with them. I'll see how I'll feel about it later down the road, wish me luck c:
 
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