Depression has slowly crept back into my life and with it, the suicidal thoughts. I constantly feel lonely. I constantly feel down. I constantly wonder if this is a cycle I am going to have to deal with forever. I want to seek help but with my new insurance plan I can't afford it. I can barely afford to go the regular doctor when I have a cold anymore, everything is so damn expensive. I just found out that my job is looking to let me go after my two year training period is over. I have busted my ass day in and day out at that place with no one ever saying thank you or good job and this is how they re-pay me? By not even evaluating my performance and letting me go so easily? Now I have the added stress of knowing my job is only temporary. It has caused me to lose almost all motivation to go in to work now. I hardly have motivation for anything anymore. I want to do more but whenever I reach out to people I am shut down and I am so tired of doing everything alone. I feel like I am destined to be alone forever. I tell myself it's fine, just go see that movie alone, or go to the beach alone, but how long can someone keep doing things by themselves before the loneliness takes over and becomes overwhelming? It's not like I'm not trying to have and make friends. I just feel so frustrated that my head is going to explode. And now suicidal thoughts are back in my life because of all this shittiness going on and just the shitty feeling of doom and loneliness that I feel 24/7. I feel so down and upset. I have been crying almost every day and it hurts to smile.
