I can't take it anymore...abusive GF

[Fighter86]

I'm so exhausted with the amount of emotional battering I've taken from my girlfriend over the last 2 years.
She's verbally aggressive, conscending, belitteling, sarcastic, cruel and judgemental.
It doesn't happen all the time, but enough to make me feel like nothing at times.
I've just felt so devalued as a person and as a man.

I don't find it easy or natural to share positive attributes about myself, but generally I'm a really caring, considerate, protective and loving guy (31).

Been together 2 years.
Helped raise her kids and have treated them as if they were my own.
I always treat my gf with love and respect, putting hers and the kids needs first.

Yet I can spend much of my time feeling underrated and unappreciated.
Rather than compliment me or try to be positive about me she'll belittle me and think the wrost of me, even when I haven't done anything in particular.

She'll belittle me and put me down if I have done something wrong in her eyes and remind me of anything in the past I may have done and hold it against me. Even though it's really not significant at all.

Most of the problems come when she gets drunk & goes into a rage.
She'll scream, shout, self-harm, drink drive and throw stuff around the house.

Collaterol damage being; - me being kicked in the knee as hard as she could whilst kicking holes in a door
- me being punched, kicked and stamped on when having no choice but to temporarily hold/restrain her, because she wanted to drink drive or run off in the dark with no shoes on and completely drunk
- being threatened with violence
- being threatened that she would verbally abuse me
- PTSD from so many traumatic incidences, such as the above and witnessing her self-harming (where I'd of course intervene carefully)
- Self-harm & considering suicide from her abuse toward me

If you've read this far I appreciate it

 

[smackh2o]

Hi there.
Have you sat down and explained the feelings to her and made her aware that her erratic actions are having a bad effect on you? She sounds like she is in a bad place and reacting poorly but to let that bring you down to is not a loving relationship and she probably needs help. I'm the same age and I was in a 5 year relationship where she began being abusive to me. I was too 'shy' to even end it so closed down which made things worse. In the end we just mutually drifted apart and looking back that was a good thing to happen.
I'm guessing it's not as easy to make a decision if kids are involved who you have spent time parenting.

We are here to talk.

 

[Fighter86]

Thanks @smackh2o ,

She does have mental health issues, which I'm really supportive of. What makes it hard is that she can be loving and kind to me, but the negative has weighed on me so much that it's caused me alot of damage internally.
We've have talked alot about it, but it doesn't seem to make much of a difference when she becomes negative, which is pretty frequent at the moment.
I've been tempted to leave many times because of the extent of the battering. I just feel sad that what we once had has been taken over by a rather mean and cruel individual, who seems to want to blame me for everything and is abusive pretty much on a daily basis.

I just wonder sometimes why I allow myself to take so much s*** from someone who says she loves me.
I've experienced alot of emotional pain in my life from relationships, but she has caused me more pain than anyone or anything I've been through.
I'm trying to work through it at the moment, it's just exhausting in every way.

Appreciate your message

 

[dtc]

I spent a long time feeling the same way about my ex @Fighter86 , and then realised too late unfortunately, hence the ex part, that it’s actually her illness that’s making her do those things and nothing to do with me. I finally understood that she has to live with this stuff 24 hours a day, and I really only have to deal with it in the times it gets too much for her.

My relationship pretty much went the way of @smackh2o , just took 20 years and a couple of children to get there, but I do now regret not coming to have an understanding of how hard is was for her sooner, and also not telling her how what she was doing made me feel, I just made assumptions and that made me feel even worse towards her.

It’s absolutely a rock and a hard place, but I’d hate for you to be left later feeling you could have done more and regretting it, it’s not a great feeling.

That said, if she doesn't want help with her illness, just wants you to deal with it and leave her to it, then that's a lose lose situation for you so if you’ve fought to that point and it’s still not helping, then it may be time to call it a day.

Take care.

 

[Lara_C]

Tell her she must get help to stop the violence. If she doesn't agree, see a lawyer so you know your rights regarding your home, but as you are being abused emotionally and physically, if she refuses help, I would not encourage you to stay together. Abuse tends to get worse with time, not better. She is a grown adult and its her responsibility to get help for herself, not yours to accept mistreatment. I wonder how old the children are, and how they're coping with all this because it must be affecting them. In fact I'd be worried if she had sole care of them.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

I am sorry that this horrible situation is happening. It does sound like she is an Alocholic in addition to her behavior towards you its not acceptable for her to be abusive to you on all 3 angles: physical, mental/emotional and verbal abuse.

It is not your fault whatsoever, there are limits what a loved one can do for someone they love. Some of this behavior is also because of no consquences given to her when she lashes out. Have you looked into counseling for yourself at all to give you the extra strength you need for yourself? I hope the kids are not around her when she decides to do it.

Hugs and take care I am hoping you find the solution that works the best for yourself and the two kids you love as well too.

 

[Fighter86]

Thanks @dtc , @Clair and @DrownedFishOnFire for your support/advice.

It's just got to the point where I'm having to make that decision to let her go for good.
Even when she's not drunk she puts me down and treats me like I'm nothing.

She has lost it in the house with the kids there most of the time. I try and get her to calm down for the kids' sake and but then she sometimes gets worse because I'm trying to calm her or control her - in her mind.

They've heard things being smashed, they've heard her shouting, they've seen blood in the sink the night after, they've seen me get kicked, they've seen glass in the lounge. So it's as awful as it sounds and I've been put in a difficult position obviously with the prospect of social services, etc.
She has improved at times where she'll deal with her issues quietly or just need space, which I give her.

She's never physically hurt them, ever. But I am well aware of the effects of emotional abuse and the fallout for the kids in being present and overhearing and witnessing some of the aftermath.

I know she'd kill herself if the kids were taken away which has been my one of my biggest reasons not too, obviously along with the fact that she has never touched them in a violent or abusive manner.

Often have felt stuck between a rock and a hard place in a no-win situation.
I know of people that have been falsely accused of child neglect/abuse and their kids went through hell with the foster carers and suffered abuse that they now have PTSD from. So I'm very reluctant to deal with social services anyway.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

 

[Lara_C]

Hi Fighter86, it sounds if things are reaching crisis point at present and my heart goes out to you. Despite the chaos of everything that's going on around you, just try to stay as calm and focused as you possibly can and you will get the strength to endure this and do the right thing. Obviously the situation cannot continue as it is, and I totally understand your fear of social services and your partner harming herself but you cannot let this paralyze you into not doing what you must do. The children are already suffering and if nothing is done, they will suffer further damage which will blight their lives into their adult years. It doesn't have to come to what you fear most i.e. social services and your partner harming herself, but even if social services did get involved they would only remove the children in drastic circumstances. Mostly they try to work with the family first. Also your partner sounds on the verge of breakdown, and you cannot stop this if she refuses help. Sometimes people have to break down before they accept the help they need but I hope it doesn't come to that. Whatever happens you must be firm with her that she has to change. You can still give her your love and support at the same time.

I feel the best advice I can give you immediately is to speak confidentially with a lawyer. You don't have to act on their advice, but at the very least you need to know your rights regarding your home and the children. It could well be that the only recourse you have is to apply for an exclusion order to protect yourself and the children from your partners violence. I sincerely hope not, but if the situation continues and child protection services do become involved, they could well insist on excluding your partner from the home until she gets herself sorted out. It is extremely unlikely they would remove the children from your care, especially if you can show you have tried to get help and spoken to a lawyer.

Do you have any family/ friends who know what's going on and who you could lean on for a while.?

 

[Fighter86]

I can't tell anyone I know about it @Clair , although I have been speaking to the Samaritans as a last resort.
The kids aren't mine. We both have our own places and I've been staying with her and the kids as that has worked for us.
So effectively I have no rights over them or the property, which is what can make things particularly difficult if I challenge her.
She has a personality disorder which makes her very unpredictable emotionally and she doesn't accept from my that she needs to change.
She considered stopping her violent rages when her son witnessed me being "beat down" as he recalls it when I got kicked, but has continued to since.
We have been over this stuff quite a few times, but at the end of the day, she can always tell me to get lost as it's not my house and they're not my kids.
I'm not in a position where I can really talk to her about that stuff, as we broke up nearly 2 weeks ago. Over a misunderstanding. And we've only been talking to clarify certain aspects of the misunderstanding and she's still being very difficult. So I don't think I'm in any kind of position to talk with her.
I know it seems strange that we're talking and we've broken up, but that's because this isn't the first time she's done and then come back within hours/days to apologise and make sense of a misunderstanding.

It feels weird putting all this stuff out there. I know I don't know you guys personally, but I still bothers me the idea of anyone judging me, even silently.

Anyway, just I'd try and explain it a bit further so it makes a little more sense. I do appreciate your advice and could maybe consider it if the situation was different. Thanks.

 

[Lara_C]

Don't worry about anyone here judging you @Fighter86 and you have done the right thing by coming here because you have been living in a pressure cooker situation and nobody could live like that indefinitely without exploding unless they let off some steam now and then.

I'm glad you've kept on your own place and are safe from the violence for the time being but would strongly advise you not to live with your partner again until and unless she is getting help to stop it. As I said, without intervention, abuse usually gets worse over time, not better, so I hope, however much you love her, you resist going back under the same roof. Be firm it's out of the question while the risk of further violence remains, and you would need to have evidence she is taking her violence issue seriously by getting counselling or some other therapy. From what you say, though, this doesn't look likely at the moment.

That leaves the kids. As you have your own place, you have no legal right to live where they are now. It's worrying me that they are still at risk of emotional, if not physical, abuse. Are you sure there is no family member you could alert to the situation who could keep an eye on their welfare? An aunt, uncle or grandparent?

 

[smackh2o]

I agree with Clair. Abuse just gets worse and the apologies followed by the same abuse is a story we've seen so many times. It just exacerbates. What is worrying is that you are in this predicament and you yourself are in a bad place. You don't really end up on here for many other reasons so forgive me if you did.
It's the well known story about not trying to save the drowning person if you cannot swim yourself. Counselling is a start for both of you if you want the relationship to carry on but ideally she needs to work on what is causing her so much distress that she reacts like she does. Again, Claire has made a good point in that family can contribute here. If you both need the time to sort this stuff out can you ask someone to take care of the kids and get some time off from your day to day routines (work etc...) to have an honest think about everything and get a plan in place.
Regardless of the situation you need to look after yourself which I know can be pretty hard when you are made to feel worthless regularly.

 

[Fighter86]

Thanks guys - @Clair & @smackh2o

"Pressure cooker" - exactly.
Thank you for being understanding, I haven't had a whole lot of that.
She's been attending therapy and has bought a book that was recommended, which seemed to be helping somewhat, but then other side has reared it head ahead and has been going at me on and off the past 4 weeks.

I am concerned for the kids well-being and I've when she's asked me to leave before I said "Fine, but I'm taking the kids with me", meaning that I wasn't going to leave them in the house with her drunk and reckless.
When I've brought it up in the past about shouting at the kids or her ourbursts she has made changes and it had improved somewhat and they became less frequent, but they still happened.
I can't even begin to describe the emotional pressure and conflict I've experienced and even do now.
I know first hand the unbearable pain of emotional abuse as a child and I have witnessed it, but usually stepped in and told her to cool it, which she would.
I know how this must all sound and I'm not blind, I'm just in a bloody difficult situation.

The only family she has are abusive b******s. They are vile human beings. So there is literally NO ONE that can look out for the kids or her.

I do need to include that she's generally not a horrible person, she can be the most sweetest person I've ever known and she can be a wonderful mum and loves the kids so much, which is why I've tried to work with her to improve the situation.

You don't ahve to carry on reading I just need to share this...
But then there was a rage episode quite recently and I'd reached my limit and decided I had to just go to bed, because it drives literally insane, because it's always no-win and highly traumatic dealing with her abuse.
I was woken up at 3am with her shouting at me for going to sleep and not caring about her. I battle insomnia and take strong sleeping medication and drifted off as I was compltely out of it. I was then woken again, but this time being aggressive poked and prodded in the ribs.
This might sound weird, but I felt scared. It kind felt like torture way. Being deprived of sleep, being shouted at and blamed, and being prodded. It felt very traumatic and she knows I have PTSD & Anxiety.
She demanding I tell her why I went to sleep when she was having a meltdown earlier that night and I said cuz I can't take it anymore. She walked into the bathroom and I had a shot at trying to get her to come to bed and rest.
She responded with calling me Lazarus repeatedly ina conscending tone and said she'd get Jesus to wake me as he'd be the only one who could.

I ended up sleeping in her sons bunk bed with him as I didn't feel "safe". Yeh, a grown man. So yeh I'm very concerned for the kids. If I feel that way, how are they feeling.
I feel like crying right now thinking about this; I got into bed with him topsy-turvy for space and he came up my end and snuggled into me as I cuddled him and said he was worried, having heard his mum yelling next door in the bathroom and stomping downstairs and slamming the lounge door behind her.
I told him everything would be ok and that he was safe, meaning I was there and I've got him, and then he said this to me... "You're the steal barrier". And I feel like crying.

It feels tormentingly impossible to know what to do.

 

[Lara_C]

The situation is intolerable and heartbreaking. I agree with @smackh2o that you can't save another who is drowning if you can't swim yourself. I really think you need to go see your doctor or you could end up breaking down yourself. Antidepressants can often help you to detach enough emotionally from a stressful situation to give yourself some peace and more focus and clarity.

While you could just run away and never go back, I understand the torment and powerlessness you must be feeling regarding the kids. They must be terrified now you're not there, and obviously something has to be done to protect their welfare. It sounds like child protection services may become involved at some point, if nothing else is done. Have you discussed this possibility with your partner? Does no one else have any idea what's been going on. Neighbors? The parents of the kids friends? The kids school?

ETA: I recommend you read up on the abuse cycle. Abusers are often kind and sweet in between episodes of rage, but the rage and violence have to be confronted because not facing it squarely is enabling it to go on

 

[Lara_C]

Forgot to ask: Is the therapy for her anger issue?

 

[Fighter86]

It's Dialectic behavioural therapy, so I believe it helps regulate her emotions better and self soothe, which I know she needs, and helps to try and see the world in a more helpful way. It was myself that diagnosed her condition from my research about my own suffering as a non-bp, she then had it officially diagnosed as BPD later on by a Psychiatrist.
I'm on anti-depressants and perhaps they are helping somewhat, as I'm not having a complete meltdown and have felt a little stronger than I have before.
She tends to be good at concealing rage until she's at home or in the car. It seeps out occasionally and has scared one of the boys teacher's one day because she was so angry and aggressive, which left the teacher speechless and in shock. But no one else knows. It tends to come out around me if I've said something that she's taken personally, even though it may not be anything that most people would be affected by. So then she tends to get drunk and then the spite and venom come out.
It's very difficult because they've had an abusive Dad in their life before and their grandfather is also verbally abusive and once hit one of the boys around the head years before I met them. They've never been hurt by anyone since I've been there and their mother didn't know about the grandfather.
She is very protective of them and if she knew he had done that she would have wanted to kill him. She is fiercely of them and loves them so much, which is where it becomes very difficult because probably 70-80% of the time things can be ok.
I've discussed social services in the past and knowing how much it can take for them to actually do something as well as feeling very skeptical about them I don't feel at present like it would be the right decision.

Thank you again @Clair for taking the time to read and respond. It means alot that someone cares enough to do, as well as everyone else.