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I owe money to a person who is violent and threatening me

Discussion in 'Work and Financial Problems' started by Amethyst2018, Jan 10, 2018.

  1. Amethyst2018

    Amethyst2018 New Member

    the person is my father, and I’m so scared. This is my first time posting here, after this forum was recommended to me by someone on another forum I visit. I have been in such a desperate frame of mind for the longest time, and I would give anything for therapy, but I have no health insurance.

    I have a great education and no criminal record or anything, but for some reason I have never been able to learn how to live or connect with people in my adult life. My childhood was a rare sort of freak show that has scarred me deeply, but I am 28 years old, and there is no excuse as to why I haven’t been able to move past it yet.

    I work the graveyard shift just so I can make $1 above what I would make if I changed to a different shift. I’m qualified to actually work a decent and normal job, but I can’t get hired, probably because I have such poor interpersonal skills and they come through in all my interviews. I am completely alone, without a friend in the world and with no family except for my father. Every time my father pops into my life to collect his money, I am unable to give it to him because I don’t have it, and he says things to me that are so horrible, they leave me feeling like I want to take my life every single time.

    Aside from the encounters with my father, I have actually come a very long way in the last 2 months. I was homeless, selling drugs and without any will to live whatsoever, but now I actually have a job and apartment and coworkers/ neighbors who like me. I really don’t want to die, and I especially don’t want to kill myself, but every time my father shows up, it’s like this darkness comes over me that I can’t control, and I have no one to talk to or reach out to and I feel as though I’m hanging in some sort of abyss, and it’s like he sees this and he just keeps swinging punches because for some reason, my pain makes him very happy.

    And since I do owe him thousands of dollars, I know I can’t call the police on him, and I just have to take it. I am here because I can’t tell my neighbors or coworkers about something like this, but I don’t want to take my own life, either. I am so alone and scared that it will eventually happen, and I am just hoping to find someone I can talk to on the days when my father comes after me.

    ...or someone to talk to in general. All I want is to be a good person and move forward in my future, for once...
  2. BeepBoop

    BeepBoop Member

    So, here's the thing: just because you owe someone money, doesn't mean they have bought you to be their whipping boy. Owing a financial debt does not mean that someone has the right to treat you poorly. And the fact it's your father... quite frankly, gives him less right to treat you so. His behavior is a reflection on him, not you.

    Good on you for working on getting your s*** together!
    Bassettherapy and Grok like this.
  3. Deety

    Deety SF Supporter

    Hi Amethyst, I am so sorry this has been happening to you. You can call the police though, and I believe this type of behaviour warrants a restraining order. You may owe him money, but that doesn't mean he has the right to physically and verbally abuse you.
    Would you think anyone else would deserve this or should put up with it? I don't think you do or should either!
    Take care, I am glad you reached out here.
  4. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Hey there
    It sounds like you're really getting your shit together so kudos to that. You've come a long way in a short amount of time.
    Maybe since you're really making strides with things and this seems to be your real huge obstacle you can bank a hundred bucks (or two!) to throw your dad when he comes calling again. He sounds like kind of a shit and when you can't have a real relationship with him because all he wants is payback of this loan that's kind of a drag. You could also opt for moving and changing your phone number since you're not having a relationship now too but that's kind of shitty also. It seems that he knows you're not having a very good time financially and should be willing to take whatever he can get in small chunks. Dole it out over a period of time. Congrats on moving up in the world. Baby steps! :)
  5. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Alumni

    Congrats on getting things together and improving your situation! :) Take a moment to congratulate yourself, feel some pride and please stay focused.

    I'm not sure exactly what your father is saying or doing, but violence isn't a legal way to get someone to repay you. So you could possibly have legal options for you to protect yourself.

    That being said, are you able to make any effort at all to repay him? The extra $1 that you make, can that be put aside towards to the debt, while you force ends together using the regular pay? Is it possible to seek another part time position--anything, weekends perhaps?

    Maybe a show of some effort may appease your father a little bit. I know for instance $50 a month may seem like nothing at all even 'worth' paying since it's not even a dent, but 50 is more than zero.

    P.S. Does your father know how dire your situation has been re being homeless previously?
  6. dugga

    dugga Well-Known Member

    Hi @Amethyst2018 - congrats on turning your life around but it sounds like your father is what's holding you back. You mentioned a shitty childhood and I'm guessing that your father was a major component of that. Do you really want him in your life? Maybe work out some sort of payment plan, I don't know what you can afford but for example $20 a week. This gives you a structured plan and once you've paid him off you can have him out of your life permanently or at least be in a position where he has no power over you. You are a good person and don't let anyone tell you otherwise - not even yourself.
  7. Amethyst2018

    Amethyst2018 New Member

    Yes, he does know. I think it’s hard for people to understand because my situation is more unusual than i realize, but he does know. I asked him when I got out of the hospital if I could stay with him, because I didn’t have anyone else to contact except the person I eventually went to. He told me to “go f*^k myself.”
    In the case of a rational person, a payment plan sounds like a very good option, but money isn’t really the issue I am dealing with. I realize now that it comes across that way in my original post, but my father is a multimillionaire and is not in need of money. It is a mind game. If I could pay him back all at once, I believe it might shut him up, since money is the only thing he’s ever known he can use against me. It’s not really money that he wants though, if that makes any sense. It’s not that he wants me to show that I’m responsible or that I care enough to pay him back. It’s that he wants me dead.
  8. Amethyst2018

    Amethyst2018 New Member

    The main thing is, what he is asking for money for is the car that I drive to work. This is why I’m unable to get a restraining order. He has told me at certain times that the car was a gift and he wants no money for it and has transferred the title into my name, but then he will come back and say that in fact, the title is still in his name, and he wants money for it or that he’s going to take it away “so you can’t get to your stupid little fuckup job and you freeze to death on the street.” He knows I can’t afford to buy myself a new car, and he knows this basically sticks me between a rock and a hard place because as long as the car is in his name, I can’t do anything against him.
    If he took it away, I really would freeze to death on the street, because I live in the middle of nowhere and my work is a 45 minute drive from where I live. (Yes, I’ve looked into closer housing, but as of now there is nothing available, because my having poor credit and being unable to afford a security deposit at this time is a big issue. The place where I live is cheap, month-to-month, and required no deposit.)
  9. Amethyst2018

    Amethyst2018 New Member

    I’m so sorry if I’m coming off as mean, and I don’t intend to. Thank you all so much for congratulating me on the small things I’ve managed to accomplish. I am just very frustrated and upset, and I never know when my father will come for me again, and I’m afraid of what could happen. It’s also very hard for me to articulate a problem that is as complex as mine apparently is, when I’m as upset as I am over it.
  10. JulieDegraw

    JulieDegraw Well-Known Member

    Can you check on the license plate online or police station if the car is in yours or his name ? Would you be able to afford a rental instead ? Like a cheap rent-to-own car.
  11. shadowrider

    shadowrider Well-Known Member

    You need to do something to make sure he doesn't hurt you again plus like you said he might do something even worse next time that could affect your life and heart so bad that you wont be able to live a happy life.
  12. BeepBoop

    BeepBoop Member

    Your father sounds very cruel and manipulative. I am sorry. I agree that I would check to see who the car is titled to, because if he is lying now... he can't take it back or your can report it stolen.

    Ugh, what a rotten hand. For the record, any job is an accomplishment if it helps you to move forward with your life on your terms. And this job does that. Full stop.
  13. sassy123

    sassy123 SF hugger Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hugs so sorry you are going through all of this. I wish I had some answers but quick question who pays the car insurance. Who pay for the tabs.
  14. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Staff Alumni

    Thanks for the further context you've shared. I can relate to persons who use their money hold over your head, and who treat 'gifts' as something to take back at will.

    I would suggest still trying to save some amount each month: for life generally, but perhaps towards getting some sort of car for yourself, even if you have to downgrade a bit.
    The less ties you have, the less hold he has over you. And it would be ideal if you were able at some point to return the gift/loan without him having the power to take it back. I would not suggest you do this in a fit, but once you've saved enough, if he then ever taunts you with the car again, you can ask him directly if it was not a gift and for the title, and if it doesn't go as hoped, then you can extricate yourself from him a bit by relinquishing it.

    In the meantime, can you limit your interactions with him? Maybe not answer every single call if it is just going to be a tirade. Or if you do answer, maybe put it on speaker/soft and just carry on with whatever you are doing while he lashes out, and gets whatever venom on that occasion out of his system....without you soaking it up the negative energy and straining yourself.

    I think sometimes people thrive on the reaction they can get out of you, so since you can't change them, it may be useful to ponder how you can change your reaction.
  15. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you are going through this Amethyst

    If you are in the US or Canada, you could try calling 211 or visiting 211.org. They can connect you to healthcare and a variety of other services.

    You may also want to visit www.hotpeachpages.net. The have a world-wide listing of domestic violence and abuse services. Something there may be able to help you.

    Agree with Julie that you should be able to check with the registry whether the vehicle is in your name or not.
  16. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    No, you do not and yes you can if it comes to it and if you are actually fearful of violence thta is exactly what I recommend. There are legal ways to collect money- lawsuits- etc , and illegal- threats and coercion. Family relation does not change that and neither does validity of debt.

    It seems you are getting things taken care of and really getting on track. Having this sort of stress push you off track is not helpful to you, nor is it going to get your father paid back faster- though it could well substantially delay it. While obviously it is preferable to keep thing amicable with family, it sounds like it has already gone well past that point so protect yourself- mentally and physically first and foremost and stay on track doing the right thing. Things are looking up- good on you! Don'y let anybody push you backwards for that path... It is far too much work and effort to get as far as you have to let anybody take thta from you.

    If you do think it may need legal intervention and want specifics on how to do that let us know. I am sure we can come up with how to go about it the right way if that is what is needed.

    To check on title you have all info you need most likely in the car between vin number / plate number and registration. Use the online services to determine the rest. http://dor.mo.gov/online.php

    If it is in fact still titled to him, but was a "gift" then there may still be recourse using either small claims court or with legal assistance from one of the places that May71 listed above. A gift is a gift, so long as you re the one paying road taxes and insurance it can be pretty clearly shown was in fact a gift. If he is still paying or has recently paid licencing taxes or insurance then will probably be looked at as a "lent" rather than "gave". Ultimately, cutting that last tie would likely be your best course of action. Use any money you can put together to put towards a car/transportation instead of "repaying" him and then park the car in front of his house and be done with it completely.

    A lawsuit from him to get money from you, which is the only way he could approach you if you get the car out of the equation and secure an order of protection from harassment (whatever the term is in your state) depends on there actually being money left after legal minimums for subsistence. Even if owe the money and he won a lawsuit, unless the court decides there is adequate income they cannot even garnish wages. You can take his power away from him by using the system and not interacting with him. Just keep yourself safe please.
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2018