We are all one
I am in a rut. I took a few months off to care for my father while he recovered from cancer. Now it's time for me to go back to work, but I don't want to. I've wanted to leave for a while now. I have the option to take an immersive 3-month course. I used to look forward to the idea of this course, try to figure out how to take it. Now, I have it all set up, and I don't care. I don't want to live. I'm in chronic pain, extremely medically fatigued and depressed. The thing that interested me to change careers doesn't seem to interest me. I can't even do the pre-work you are assigned before the course works. I'm going to have to go on a roadtrip to get the course, but doubt I'll get there. I'm scared I don't care. But I'm too tired to care. Part of me thinks I never cared. I've been suicidal since I was 9. I've attempted many times. I've stayed around 30 years not because I cared but because something would come along that piqued my interest, and that would last a couple of years. I seem to have run out of those. I think this is the end of the run for me. I don't see it likely ending another way. It feels like the end is beginning.