I'm scared that I don't care anymore to get better

[alixer]

I am in a rut. I took a few months off to care for my father while he recovered from cancer. Now it's time for me to go back to work, but I don't want to. I've wanted to leave for a while now. I have the option to take an immersive 3-month course. I used to look forward to the idea of this course, try to figure out how to take it. Now, I have it all set up, and I don't care. I don't want to live. I'm in chronic pain, extremely medically fatigued and depressed. The thing that interested me to change careers doesn't seem to interest me. I can't even do the pre-work you are assigned before the course works. I'm going to have to go on a roadtrip to get the course, but doubt I'll get there. I'm scared I don't care. But I'm too tired to care. Part of me thinks I never cared. I've been suicidal since I was 9. I've attempted many times. I've stayed around 30 years not because I cared but because something would come along that piqued my interest, and that would last a couple of years. I seem to have run out of those. I think this is the end of the run for me. I don't see it likely ending another way. It feels like the end is beginning.

 

[1964dodge]

i'm sorry that things are so hard right now. are you in therapy or on meds because it may help. and if you're in chronic pain is there anything you can do to lower that pain? chronic pain can cause a lot of mental health problems if not controlled. please keep talking we are listening...mike...