I'm slowly slipping away

[ShoegazeDaydream]

I'm suffering from depression, PTSD, low self esteem and my therapist said I have some aspects of borderline. I told her how I don't push people away and how I can maintain relationships. I'm actually really happy when I have friends, friends keep me happy and help me from me slipping away. I hate depending on people, I should be comfortable being alone but I can't. I'm completely isolated. My mind keeps thinking when I was sexually abused by my father and when my ex boyfriends abused me mentally, emotionally and verbally. In my past I abused drugs, pain pills. Now I'm slowly slipping away, I cry at night and just think how everyone is having a great time with people. Anytime I go into chat rooms, I talk and speak my mind however deep down inside I feel as if everyone hates me so I leave and cry myself to sleep. My eyes have been red so much lately. There's times where I sit on my back porch and stare. When someone speaks to me when I'm staring my voice sounds very sad, flat and unloving. All I feel is pain and misery. Got precancer on my cervix and it was a level 3. I quit smoking but now I'm pretty close to giving up and smoking cigarettes. If I end up dying, I won't really care. It's not like anyone would miss me, I mean who even likes me anyways? Nobody acknowledges me, people tend to forget about me, I never forget about them however. Tears are pouring down my face right now. My birthday is on the 18th, I invited people and I doubt anyone will show up. One of my friends killed himself due to depression, he talked to me everyday. Slowly starting to hate everyone cause everyone hates me. Every guy in my life has hurt me, told me they loved me, abused me and used me for sex. I'm unworthy, I'm ugly, I'm pathetic. I'm slipping away into the darkness....now I'm close to going back to drugs again and I've been clean for a few months. I mean who cares about me? I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of this pain. Everyone else gets to have friends, hang out with them and laugh. Meanwhile I'm suffering......it wouldn't surprise me if I end up dying from depression due to me constantly crying, stress and being an insomniac. One guy on my facebook tried to compete with me with who had a more horrible life....seriously? Who would do that? I got a crush on someone recently and I doubt he likes me. Why should I be so surprised? I smirk constantly now, I never smile anymore. Someone told me I'm a psychopath but I have a lot of empathy for people and what happens to people....however now that people keep hurting me I'm slowly starting to become angry and hate people for wronging me. I don't feel like I can trust ever again due to all the abuse. I want to know that one day I'll be happy....gosh I'm so tired of this pain....I seriously feel like I'm going to have a mental break down soon......I can't take this anymore....

 

[ThePhantomLady]

s you tight*

Oh hun. I'm so, so, so sorry; both for what has happened in your life and for what you feel right now.
One symptom of depression is to feel that no one cares or notices you, while there might actually be a lot of people that does... Have you considered that?
I know I'm 'only a stranger' but if anything, I do care. You sound like a lovely person.

I'm happy you're in therapy too, because you need the support hun. You don't have to do all of this alone.

Are there support groups you can go to for the cancer? Maybe that could help? You might meet some nice people there.

s you again*

Take care of yourself, and please don't give up. You're too good for that!
If you want you're always welcome to write to me!

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

You're not unworthy and pathetic. Don't go back to the drugs, congrats on being clean for a few months. I care about you. You're not alone, you can always send me a PM. Take care, s*

 

[ExcuseMyFrench]

I couldn't said it as well as ThePhantomLady but I'm very sorry for your pain.

Please don't think that you're "dependent", you're just being human. We all need human contacts when we're down, and the sad fact is that it's very hard to find the right persons in those moments.. I often think of myself as a giant cactus who need a hug... thinking who would risk approaching me ?!

Those are symptoms of depression. It makes you feel that no one want to be around you but it's wrong. If you can, don't stay alone. You can DM me anytime. Take care !

 

[redgirl]

Hi there.
I can relate to what you've been talking about so well. I grew up with abuse followed by severe bullying at school followed by equally severe bullying in the workplace. All of this resulted in me having absolutely no self-esteem. I was raised to think there was something wrong with me, and that there always will be. This, I have learned, through various therapy sessions, is not the way I should be thinking. It was like it was drilled into me from a young age how I was "supposed" to be, act, look like, etc. I have lived the majority of my life trying to alter who I am in order to please everyone around me, and society as a whole. It does nothing but damage your sense of self-worth.
I know it's hard, but try to search deep within yourself and ask yourself what YOU want, not anybody else, but YOU. Find what gives you peace, or happiness, or erupts a passion within you. And give yourself a break. You've been through an incredibly tough time, so it's okay, it's more than okay for you to have days where you feel like you're spiralling downwards. The important part is finding your way out of it again, when you're ready. Which you will be, one day soon. All of us here will be a source of support for you, always. You are not alone. If you ever fancy a chat, I'm more than happy to lend my ears to you. I feel as though we could have a lot to talk about, get off our chests, and hopefully feel better for it. I'll be thinking of you.