This is too much.

[Dante]

I'm just about used up, I have nothing left to keep going, im not just reflexively wishing for an end to it all when things are particularly shit, and im not just faring tomorrow, I actively dont want tomorrow to come, I want it all to end today.

When I think about the future I know only 1 thing anymore, I dont want to be in it, everything else is grey and numb, EVERYthing is numb, music is just noise, people are just clutter, I dont even react to pain anymore.

Its not in me to give up, it never has been, ive just always been to stubborn, but really, I have pushed and motivated and twisted myself into whatever it takes to keep going and I have run out of tricks, every reserve is spent, I can barely get out of bed anymore and when I do I just think about hurting myself or ending it and I cant think of what I can do to keep going.

 

[na-taya]

I am sorry that things are so hard for you right now, I wish I had more words to comfort you and provide you with some hope.

Have you reached out to anybody and let them know how tough things are for you??? it may be a good idea someone else may have some suggestions for you.

I wish you all the best and I hope that although it is horrible I wish hope that you are able to hold on.....you don't deserve this

 

[ThePhantomLady]

I am sorry you're feeling so low about everything.

You have come a long way, you've been fighting, is anyone helping you? have you reached out to a doctor, counselor or therapist to help you pull you through this? If not I would suggest you saw someone. If you worry you can't say things out loud writing it down could be an idea.

Do you have friends or family you trust? Let them know you suffer, I know that's such a difficult thing to do, but allow yourself to be helped.

You're worth it, hun. Be kind to yourself!

 

[Petal]

Hiya, sorry you are feeling so bad. I was there at a time in my life (2007-2008) I didn't want to get out of bed and didn't. Those days were hell, add in crippling anxiety and it was hell on earth. You must ask yourself, if you want tomorrow to be a better day, how can you go about achieving that? I know it's such a daunting task and struggle right now to even write here but please let someone in real life know you are suffering, it can help to lessen the burden. I hope these thoughts ease off soon. I will keep you in my thoughts.

 

[Dante]

@na-taya : There is no one I trust that I can burden with this so though several people know there is a problem no one has any idea of the true extent of it.

@ThePhantomLady : No one is helping me yet, I have been trying to arrange counselling for nearly 6 months now though, its absurd how difficult it seems to be, my first session is on Thursday, though there is no telling if this one will be any good.
I'm afraid I dont have any friends left, due to the immense draining effect of dealing with my dad on a daily basis I have not been able to keep any sort of social life, and as for family, the only that wouldn't make things worse has her own problems.

@Petal : I am quite pragmatic when it comes to my own psychology and I have taken all the stances I can to keep going including focusing on how to make the next day better, and they did help for a time, but I'm running on empty. You can drive as economically as you like but if the fuel tank is empty you're done.