TL;DR - Divorced and Alone

[_fandn_]

I suffer from Bipolar II, PTSD and chronic anxiety. When I started dating my ex-wife in 2015 I told her all about it and explained it in as much detail as I could. I'm up front about it when meeting someone new for a relationship because I know firsthand that it is not easy living with someone with those disorders - trust me, I live with myself. We fell madly "in love", or at least I did. We moved across the country to start a new life in a southern state. We got married in 2017 and she reaffirmed that she was never going anywhere and that we would be together through the "fun times, the bad times, and the mundane." We had always discussed how divorce was not an option for either of us, however I should have known that it WAS an option for her seeing as she had been divorced once before, and that we would work through absolutely anything - including infidelity. We reaffirmed this in our pre-marital counseling through our church. However, late 2018 I began getting very angry and uptight with everything she did. I nit picked on everything - big and small, sometimes nothing even existed but I'd pick a fight. in early 2019 my doctors decided to pull me off my meds to get a "baseline" and see what meds needed to be changed. I remember my ex-wife getting ready to leave the house and I stopped her and told her that "this is going to be the hardest time of our entire marriage, I need you to stick this out with me". She reiterated that no matter how hard I pushed she wasn't going anywhere. That wasn't completely true. My mood spiraled out of control. I became extremely depressed and at one point <mod edit - method> when she walked in the house and saw me. That really damaged our relationship. We had also been talking about starting to have kids in April of 2019, but I was in such a depressing and stuck so deep in my head that I couldn't bring myself to commit to children. This is when she completely emotionally detached from me.

I was emotionally unfaithful to her in the beginning of our relationship but she didn't find out until about a year into our marriage. The "affair" lasted two weeks. I did it because I was constantly telling my wife that I felt useless to her, unloved, unwanted and that I felt like I was just her roommate. She never let me live that down. No matter what I did to try to gain her trust, I never could.

In September 2019 I was supposed to attend a wedding with her in another state but came down very ill and had to cancel going with her. She went for 6 days, and called me on the last day from an airport and told me that she wanted a divorce. Every since then my world has caved. The divorce became final in December 2019, but here it is March 2020 and I can't stop reeling over the loss of her, even though I know that there were a ton of things that didn't make me happy in my marriage. She said some of the most hurtful and mean things that I've ever been told and I'm not sure that she was lying. She told me that I am worthless and was a horrible husband - I'm not great at keeping jobs. She told me that I would be a horrible father - knowing that I was horrified of passing on my Bipolar gene and that I was afraid I was going to be a bad dad due to my illness. She told me that we have nothing in common, yet I have 6000+ photos of us out doing things, traveling, laughing, even crying. She told me that I wouldn't have any friends after the divorce and I didn't know what she meant by that because all the friends that she knew were from me. I lived in the state that we moved to from birth. I was only in her state for work for 2 years. So, I was very confused. However, sure enough, I lost absolutely every friend I ever had. I went from being employed to unemployed (still Nov 2019 - current). I went from being married to divorced (Sept 2019). I tried to kill myself in Dec 2019. And now, I just sit alone, in my apartment, with no friends, no job, no hobbies - I can't remember what I liked to do before her - meanwhile she is still gainfully employed, started dating before I even moved out of the house, and has somehow made me out to be the monster to all my "friends". I've had several of them tell me that they've talked to her and no longer want to speak with me after what they've heard. However, no one of them has let me tell my side.

I'm so alone. I don't know why I miss her, but I do. So much.

Daily I wish I were dead. Not just because of the aforementioned but because I've been battling suicide for 27 years. I'm not sure why I'm afraid to take the leap, but I've noticed lately when I think about it my heart starts racing and I get this adrenaline rush like I've never had before. It happens every time I think about it. It feels good. It feels like it's drawing me to do it. I want to. I'm not sure whom it would really hurt if I weren't here anymore. I'm not sure I have the 'will' to hold back anymore.

Thanks for listening,

_fandn_

 

[Sonder]

Hello @_fandn_
Thank you for sharing and talking on SF. There are so many things going through your mind at the moment. The past is haunting you, the present is lonely and the future seems pointless.
I suspect you are currently wrecking your head trying to understand and justify what happened.

You are at a crossroad now. You can give up or you can use the past as an experience and motivation to change your reality.

 

[Sonder]

All is not lost. There is plenty to do still for you.
I would suggest that the first thing you do is to stop over analyzing anything that has happened to you.
Avoid blaming everyone, including yourself.
Forget what others think of you. For that matter forget about other people. This is an emergency and you need to put the oxygen mask on your face before you can attend to other people.
I suggest you focus completely on you, decide who you are, and what you want, and how you are going to get there.
The first obvious thing for me is that you need to fix your health. work towards stabilizing your mood and anxiety.
Your biggest hurdles are these two things.

 

[Sonder]

Sorry posting in 3 messages.... Keep pressing the wrong button
In the end of the day you must understand that you were greatly disadvantaged to start a new life with someone, because of your illnesses. If you can look at it this way and maybe you can then understand not to blame yourself or your ex for the failure of the marriage. You have to move on. When you are feeling better and stable and your BiPolar is under control, then you will have such a far better chance in life and it's relationships. Do not be too hard on yourself.
Work out a plan of what to do. If you can, get a small job to keep you busy while you consult your GP about the BiPolar and anxiety.

 

[JDot]

It's understandable to feel disheartened after a divorce like that. You'll have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you.

 

[Honda1010]

I’am in a similar boat. I’am 47 and been dealing with depression and anxiety for most of my adult life. Never really good with woman very shy. Than meet my wife. We connected right away. I also told her upfront about my mental health issues. She would say that she would make me happy and I thought that also. Here we are 16 years later both unhappy and now she wants a divorce. I fucked up in my marriage by talking to other woman and her finding out. We talked about it and I thought it was past us. I guess not because when we argue it’s always brought back up. Also when we first got together we both talked about having children. Then we got married she didn’t want kids right away. My depression and anxieties took over and over time the idea of having children changed. I grew up with my father having serious mental illness. The thought that I could pass it on to my kids and them dealing with what I want threw as a child was to much on me. All this time even before my marriage I was in and out of therapy and off and on of taking medication. She tells me she chose to stay in the marriage despite the change of not wanting kids. Now she also brings that up when we argue now. How she resents me because of it. Tells me how I have been neglectful of her needs the last ten years of the marriage. I’am have needs also and they weren’t being meet also. We really never sought help to deal with these issues in our marriage. She in the past want to one our two of my sessions with my therapist. We always tried to better our relationships by ourselves. That obviously didn’t work. During this crisis she has been working from home and as a essential worker. Been going outside to work. I know put a new layer to what was already bad. She is a very social person and I’am a introvert and it’s gotten worse the older I’ve gotten. She has been drinking a lot recently to deal with I guess everything going on. And the other night after consuming two bottles of wine. I found her on the phone with a guy from her past taking about sexual matters. I was furious!!!! The next day we both told each other that we needed to talk after I got home from work. I assumed we would talk about what happened the night before but she told me she couldn’t continue in the marriage. She said that we were in a cycle w

 

[Honda1010]

She said that we were in a cycle of making up then something would happen again and we fight and argue and make up again.

 

[Honda1010]

She also say’s she feels so alone and dead inside. She had weight loss surgery about two years ago and loss a lot of weight. I know she feels really good about herself now. She would say how she wants to enjoy life better now and I’am not on that page with her. She also told me she worries about me taking my life. I told her I think about but never attempted it ever. She worried now that I will do it if we get a divorce and it’s on my mind also. I struggle everyday with everyday life, stress, people bullying me, laughing at me. And these things alone having me thinking about ending it all. If she doesn’t change her mind o don’t know if I can handle it!!!!!! Thanks for listening!!!